Kuzul

As the Yankees faded down the stretch this season, many fans scrambling for any semblance of hope pointed back to 2000.

That was the year New York lost 18 of 21 games to close out September, their 87 wins still enough to win the division thanks to a little late period “Curse of the Bambino” action.

Those Yankees seemed bored by it all, a bunch of Roger Dorn types, thinking more about their retirement portfolios than continuing a dynasty. They’d won back-to-back titles and three out of four overall—you couldn’t blame them for losing focus. What else did they have to prove?

It turned out they weren’t done yet. They outlasted the A’s in a five game ALDS, then worked past the Indians and Mets for their third straight World Series victory. It was awesome.

A residual effect of that season was that it gave Yankee fans a template to work off in the future. No matter how bad a team looks in September, the switch can always be flipped.

How else to explain the events of this week? The Yankees looked tired and old during a 9-17 September with a playoff date set against the rolling Minnesota Twins. Yet four days later, New York is back in the ALCS and Twins fans are still staring at their television screens like people who hit the play button in The Ring.

How did this happen? How did a series the Yankees seemed destined to lose become a total walk in the park?

My first inclination is to point to Ron Gardenhire, who buried his uniform after losing one game. Nothing says panic like your 52-year-old manager burying his clothes in the middle of a field somewhere in Minnesota.

Another reason is the Yankees’ pitching staff, which entered the postseason as the biggest question mark surrounding the team. And while CC Sabathia needed serious help from Mark Teixeira to claim a Game 1 win, Andy Pettitte and Phil Hughes were outstanding. Mariano Rivera, meanwhile, proved that the G.O.A.T. needn’t be doubted until he says so.

A huge factor was the return to a sense of urgency completely absent as the Yankees stumbled from division leader to wild card entry. The seventh inning in Game 1 was the turning point of the season—the Twins going from 3-0 up to 4-3 down—and suddenly filled with nagging doubts that they’d never beat the Yankees.

Make no mistake, the Twins beat the Twins as much as the Yankees beat the Twins. Minnesota barely showed up in the Bronx last night. They were mentally shot. There were depth issues here, too. Brian Duensing pitching at Yankee Stadium with your season on the line?

Please. See you next year.

Stray thoughts:

• I organized a search party and canvassed every bar in the tri-state area last night looking for Joba Chamberlain. No luck.

• I know the Yankees are going to have some time off after wrapping up their series so quickly, but no need to bring in Mariano Rivera last night. The G.O.A.T. had two high-stress saves in the first two games of the series. Remember Joe, the road to 28 will need a driver whose 40.

• The Stadium was rocking last night. Here’s the equation: Playoff opener + Saturday night + Perfect weather + copious amounts of beer = Good times.

Dan Hanzus writes the Yankees blog River & Sunset and can be reached at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter @danhanzus.

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The Yankees have been waiting a long time for Lance Berkman to do something. Actually, they’ve been waiting for him do to anything.

Before yesterday, his most notable achievement in pinstripes was hitting Alex Rodriguez in the shin with a line drive in batting practice. That happened in early August, and in all the time that followed, one of the greatest sluggers in Houston Astros history managed a single home run in New York.

The Big Puma was suddenly an endangered species. That’s not a clever pun. I literally worried a bleacher creature was going to straight-up try to murder him, The Fan style.

But that’s the beautiful thing about postseason baseball—you can wipe away months of bad faith with one good series. Or in Berkman’s case, one good game.

Berkman had the two biggest hits in the Yankees’ Game 2 win over the Twins on Thursday, a long opposite-field homer in the fifth inning, and a booming RBI double in the seventh.

It had to be sweet vindication for Brian Cashman, who brought Berkman aboard to fortify the Yankee lineup and instead got Triple-A production out of a lavishly-paid veteran.

Berkman wasn’t the only player who made Cashman look smart on Thursday.

Curtis Granderson continued his resurgence with three more hits, while Kerry Wood officially put Joba Chamberlain’s face on the side of a milk carton with a dominant eighth inning.

It’s been a tough year for Cash, who watched the acquitions of Nick Johnson and Javier Vazquez blow up in his face as A.J. Burnett’s contract quickly morphed into one of the worst in baseball.

He’s no doubt feeling good this morning, as is Andy Pettitte. He won the 19th postseason game of his career, and few were more impressive given the circumstances.

The Yankees didn’t know what they were getting from Pettitte coming into this series. The groin injury that wrecked his second half had turned the left-hander into a serious question mark, albeit one on a successful journey to comfort.

Pettitte was dominant for seven innings and 88 pitches, and probably could have went the distance if Joe Girardi wasn’t correctly protecting the veteran’s health.

I received a couple of texts from friends after the game saying this was the game that makes Pettitte a Hall of Famer. I tend to disagree, because it’s the ALDS and I thought he already was. I will say that if the Yanks go deep into the playoffs, he may finally get his proper national due as one of the great postseason performers in the game’s history.

But of all the positives Cashman took out of Thursday, perhaps most fulfilling was the sight of Carl Pavano, the man who had swindled the Yankees out of $40 million, walking off the mound a loser for the second straight ALDS. I would’ve paid anything to be able read Cash’s lips as the American Idle trudged off.

“Nice mustache, d*ck.”

Stray thoughts

• John Sterling is on a roll. His Berkman home run call last night was bananas. “SIR LANCELOT RIDES TO THE RESCUE! C’EST LUI! C’EST LUI!” This was the most outrageous radio I’ve ever heard, just ahead of Dan the Farter (no relation) setting the world flatulence record on Howard Stern.

• Epic fail is in order for Ron Gardenhire, the Twins manager who told the media before Game 2 that he buried his uniform after the Game 1 loss. Since that didn’t work, I say he knocks off a convenience store next. If that fails, assassinate Fidel Castro. Let’s see how far we can take this.

• Give Minnesota Twins fans this: They care. My God, do they care. Some serious depression shots by TBS in the late innings. Look at the bright side guys, at least your football team’s quarterback isn’t a gray-haired old fool who walks with a limp. Oh wait.

• Funny A-Rod quote on Berkman over at the LoHud Blog: “You know these games are important. I actually saw him in the weight room a couple of days ago. I almost had a heart attack.”

• I can’t tell you how much more I enjoy TBS’ incessant Conan promos over last year’s incessant Frank TV ads. I still can’t believe Frank TV ever existed. Dude got his own sketch show because he could do a bad John Madden impression.

• Mariano Rivera is the greatest of all time. In shorthand, you can call him the G.O.A.T. Just a friendly reminder.

Dan Hanzus writes the Yankees blog River & Sunset and can be reached at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter @danhanzus.

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It’s being reported this morning that A.J. Burnett will not be part of the Yankees‘ plans in the ALDS against the Twins.

Not exactly shocking news, I know. Dudes who lose 15 games and and post 5.26 ERAs don’t typically inspire the faith of their manager come playoff time.

The good news? After this season, Mr. Burnett only has three years left on his five-year, $82.5 million contract! God bless capitalism!

It’s almost amazing to think how far Burnett has careened off the rails this season. Remember, it was only 11 months ago that the same Allan James Burnett essentially saved the Yankees’ season in Game Two of the World Series.

I remember having to medicate myself with cheap vodka in the hours leading up to that Thursday night at Yankee Stadium. Burnett had floundered against the Angels in his previous start, and after Cliff Lee shut New York down in the World Series opener, it almost seemed predetermined that the Yankees would have to pull out a 1996-type comeback to win it all.

Burnett stepped up, however. He struck out nine over seven strong innings in a 3-1 win that righted the ship and set the Yankees on their way to the title. But like always with Burnett, it was ultimately a tease. He was bombed by the Phillies in Game Five, leading to a post so scathing the FBI probably placed me on a no-fly list.

It’s been all downhill since for Burnett, who is no doubt embarrassed that it’s come to this. You can tell he cares, even if his natural demeanor sometimes seems to say otherwise. You know he wants to be more than the “pie guy” who occasionally pitches well. But at 33, he is what he is.

In a perfect world, there’s no way Phil Hughes is pitching at Yankee Stadium in Game Three, a place where he often resembled a Home Run Derby pitcher this season.

Unfortunately, the Yankees are in no position to be choosy. Concessions need to be made. With the help of a forgiving schedule, the Yankees were able to maneuver their way through the playoffs in 2009 without a back-end to their rotation. It was no simple feat.

The Yankees now have to try to pull that off again. Maybe it’s just me, but at some point it all starts to feel less like baseball and a lot like Russian Roulette.

Click … click … click … click … click …

Dan Hanzus writes the Yankees blog River & Sunset and can be reached at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter @danhanzus.

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Full disclosure: I wasn’t really feeling the playoff-clinching celebration on Tuesday night.

I know, I know. It’s a long season. Making the postseason is an achievement, and the players deserve to blow off some steam. I get that. But there’s a part of me—okay, all of me—that was rubbed the wrong way by how satisfied the team seemed with itself.

Please understand that I, more than any man or woman on earth, love watching Kim Jones get doused by champagne and beer. It may be the main reason I follow the Yankees. Like Kim, it never gets old.

I also love clubhouse celebration shots that beg for perverse photoshopping (see: Chamberlain, Joba). I even get a kick out of worthless MLB-sanctioned schwag like the “PLAYOFFS” hats the players wore in the clubhouse.

My biggest problem is that the Yankees still have business to tend to before the playoffs start. Why celebrate like you have nothing left to achieve?

Here’s how I’d rather have watched it play out:

Kim Jones: Derek, other teams around baseball have raucously celebrated clinching a playoff spot. Why not the Yankees?

Derek Jeter: We decided as a group that we’d celebrate in Boston when we clinched the division. Every spring, the first goal we set is to win the AL East and we haven’t done that yet.

KJ: So what are you going to do with all these refreshing beers and ice cold bottles of champagne?

DJ: (Pauses for a beat)

(The whole team douses Kim with beer and champagne. She’s totally into it.)

Annnnnd scene.

Anyway, I’m not sure it’s clear to Joe Girardi, who may be too busy daydreaming about brick walls covered in ivy to even care, but winning the division can very well make or break this season.

This is a flawed team, but the Yankees are fortunate in that the other three teams left standing in the American League have weaknesses as well.

It’s a wide open field to see who plays the Phillies in the World Series. Doesn’t it make sense that with the Yanks, Rangers, Twins, and Rays all at about the same level, a deciding game at home could be the difference?

The good news is that Tampa Bay seems just as nonchalant about the whole situation. The Rays were shut down by Zack Greinke and the Royals on Thursday night, and have lost three of four this week. The Twins have also slumped, possibly allowing a golden opportunity to clinch home-field throughout the AL playoffs slip away.

The Yankees head into Fenway this weekend to face the Red Sox, who have lost three in a row and clearly are in “Let’s see who can clean out their lockers the fastest on Sunday” mode.

Tampa Bay holds the head-to-head tiebreaker, so in the case of a tie the division goes to the Rays. Without CC Sabathia, asking for a sweep may be difficult, but if you can at least win of two of three, you put the pressure on the Rays to earn it.

There’s no shame in going into the postseason as a wild card. But going in as a division winner gives you a better chance to win the World Series. Isn’t that worth fighting for?

Dan Hanzus writes the Yankees blog River & Sunset and can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter @danhanzus.

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Remember that movie Thinner?

It was based on a novel by Stephen King, in which an obese family man commits a hit-and-run, only the victim is the daughter of a witch, or a wizard, or a gypsy. Listen, 1996 was a long time ago.

Anyway, the witch/wizard/gypsy casts a hex on the fatty—”You keeel my daughter, and I curse you, thinnnnnnnner“—and the obese family man wastes away to nothing and (I think) eventually dies.

It wasn’t a family movie.

I bring this up because I’ve been worried that Joe Girardi has a pretty horrible secret he’s been hiding from us. It may involve his Jeep Wrangler and a dimly-lit street in Westchester.

Giardi is looking gaunt. Like, Lindsay-Lohan-on-a-Columbian-getaway gaunt. Of course, if you’re not an idiot, you’ve probably deduced that his weight loss isn’t the result of the plot line of an awful 14-year-old horror movie that nobody saw, but instead the struggles of the team he manages.

The Yankees headed into Wednesday’s game in Toronto with a 11-14 record in September, by far their worst month of the season. A.J. Burnett—4-13 with a 6.67 ERA since the end of May—crapped the bed fantastically on Tuesday, and Girardi decided to all out a day later with his 20-game winner, CC Sabathia, on the mound and his full arsenal loaded into the lineup.

The result was a tidy 6-1 win that served as the clincher of the Yankees’ 15th postseason appearance in 16 years. Hate all you want, talk about payroll all you wish, but that’s quite an achievement.

Full disclosure, I may have spoke too soon last week when I said Sabathia’s Cy Young chances were shot by his flameout against the Rays. His 8 1/3 innings of one-run ball on Wednesday was the epitome of an ace performance.

He likely won’t pitch again until Game 1 of the ALDS next week, but his final regular-season stats—21-7, 3.18 ERA, 197 K, 237.2 IP—are certainly good enough to earn the award.

The Yankees don’t sniff the playoffs this year without him. That’s as strong as an endorsement I can give to the Big Man.

With one potential crisis averted, Girardi now must decided whether it’s more important to give his regulars extra rest ahead of the ALDS and potentially settle for the wild card, or push through the weekend in an attempt to win the division and secure home-field advantage throughout the postseason.

It’s a tricky dilemma with no clear answer. Girardi said after Wednesday that he would “pick his spots,” which makes me believe he’s going to play this conservatively.

If I were him, I would a) drink several milkshakes and eat many large bowls of Mrs. Girardi’s pasta and b) rest the regulars on Thursday, then go for it in Boston.

I’ve been surprised by how many people believe the wild card is actually a preferable situation to winning the division. To those of you who think that, please note: Home-field advantage is a huge advantage in the postseason.

And if your logic is that you’d rather face the Twins than the Rangers in a short series, remember 2006, when Yankees fans were ecstatic they got the free-falling Tigers over the Twins in the ALDS. Four games later, the season was over.

Obviously, Sabathia shouldn’t be involved in the Boston series, and I’m inclined to rest Mariano Rivera, who seems to need a breather. But I think everyone else should be involved. Well, except for Burnett. Did they even allow him to celebrate in the clubhouse last night?

Onward and upward, Yankee Universe.

Stray thoughts

– Having recently moved back to Los Angeles and forced to survive off the MLB.com package until next week, I was cut out of the postgame celebration coverage. This angered me, mostly because of the perverted joy I continue to get out of watching Kim Jones be doused with champagne and beer.

– Andy Pettitte thinks this Yankees team is as good as last year’s version.

“I really do,” Pettitte told The LoHud Yankees Blog. “We’ve got pretty much the same team. I feel good about our bullpen. Obviously when you’ve got CC leading our rotation you’ve got to feel good about that. How could you not? I feel good about what we’re doing, I really do. I don’t think anybody wants to face our lineup.”

Pettitte is a very nice man, and his journey to comfort is well documented, but I think that statement tells me too much alcohol seeped into his pores last night.

– The LoHud Blog also had this line from A-Rod, who wasn’t seen much during the clubhouse celebration and didn’t have a drop of champagne on him at the end of the night.

“Nobody messes with the old guys any more. It’s all about the young guys.”

Obviously, the picture of Jeter to the right backs up Rodriguez’s statement 110 percent.

Dan Hanzus writes the Yankees blog River & Sunset and can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter @danhanzus.

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

Count yourself extremely fortunate, denizens of Yankee Universe.

Had your team not found a way to dig itself out of Mariano Rivera’s mess on Sunday night, you’d be suffering through a brutally painful Monday morning.

If Robbie Cano was unable to pad his MVP resume with a game-tying RBI single off Jonathan Papel-blown in the ninth; if Juan Miranda couldn’t heroically draw a bases-loaded walk off Hideki OkanIgobackto2007 in the 10th, your team’s little slump would have quickly transitioned to a national story.

People like Ian O’Connor would’ve written columns evoking memories of The Series That Shall Not Be Named (oh wait, he did anyway), WFAN listeners would be calling Mike Francesa from the Verrazzano Bridge, and ESPN would start covering the Red Sox‘s chase of the wild card with enough joy and wonder to make you think they may actually have a rooting interest.

Worst of all, you’d be on your couch Monday night counting on Allan James Burnett to keep this whole place from burning to the ground.

It would’ve been bad. Like, The Love Guru bad.

Regardless of the overwhelming odds in the Yankees‘ favor to make the playoffs, it’s hard to downplay the importance of Sunday’s win. You could see it in the players’ faces as they battled back against Papelbon in the ninth. (Quick aside: Is it just me, or does it seem like Papelbon blows every other save against the Yankees? I’m just sayin’ …).

Those dudes were pumped. Take Nick Swisher for example: Usually a smiling, gregarious scamp, Swisher had a Paul O’Neill-level look of ferocity after his single jump-started the rally.

Cuts to the dugout showed a similar look on each player’s face. They understood what would happen if they lost that game. It reminded me of an MLB Network special on the 1986 season I watched recently. It told the story of how, with two outs and the Mets needing two runs to keep the Red Sox from winning the title, Gary Carter, Kevin Mitchell, Ray Knight each singled then told first-base coach Bill Robinson, “I was not going to make the last f@#$ing out of this World Series.”

Not to compare this Yankees team to the ’86 Mets (there isn’t enough cocaine distributors left in Manhattan to make that comparison accurate anyway), but the Yankees’ rally on Sunday reminded me of that Mets team’s stubborn refusal to lose.

This is a good trait to have as the next phase of the season approaches.

Stray thoughts:

– Am I concerned about Rivera? No, but clearly he hasn’t been sharp of late. Don’t surprised if he flips a switch once October rolls around, though. Remember, he is … the G.O.A.T.

– Lost in the shuffle was another clutch homer by A-Rod, who may actually get to 30 homers after all. He seems to be getting his groove back at just the right time. We should find another fading female lead of the 2000-era to bring him “comfort” during the playoffs. Does anybody have Amanda Peet’s number?

– Awesome job, Phil Franchise. Easy cheese, my man. Easy cheese. See you in the bullpen?

– With a Rays loss, the Yanks are back with one-half game of the division lead. Still trying to figure out if this is a good thing or bad thing.

– You ever get vivid premonitions of an incensed Jon Miller beating broadcast partner Joe Morgan to death with a bowling pin, ala There Will Be Blood? Um, me either.

Dan Hanzus writes the Yankees blog River & Sunset and can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter @danhanzus.

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

Even had CC Sabathia pitched well last night, who knows if it would’ve been enough to lock down a second Cy Young Award?

The groundswell for Felix Hernandez is building. The Mariners ace fired eight more brilliant innings in a 1-0 loss earlier Thursday, dropping him to 12-12 on the year.

Nevertheless, it’s hard to shake the feeling this is shaping up as a (big air quotes) statement year by voters—the season they show us how smart they are by discounting the (even bigger air quotes) flawed statistics of wins and losses.

Had that happened, and CC got shut out on a 22-win season for a division winner, I can tell you I’d have Steven Seagal in Hard To Kill levels of vengeance ready to spill out on this site. “I’ll take you to the bank, Senator Trent Baseball Writers Association of America…the BLOOD BANK.”

But you can forget that now. There’s no way in hell Sabathia is going to win the award, and he has nobody to blame but himself. The big man got shelled at home by the Rays, in a game against David Price, the other pitcher thought to be a Cy Young favorite.

It was a disappointing start on several levels for Sabathia, who had a chance to both polish his résumé and keep the Yankees comfortably ahead in first and failed at both. Price was no gem himself, but he did what Sabathia couldn’t by keeping the damage to a minimum without his best stuff.

The Yankees head into the final nine games of the season with a half-game lead on the Rays and nine division games remaining against the Red Sox and Blue Jays. The Rays, meanwhile, have a far easier road, wrapping their season against the Orioles, Royals, and Mariners. Yesterday’s loss gave the Rays a 10-8 win in the season series, meaning that in the case of a tie after 162 games, the Rays win the AL East.

In other words, the division title—which, just 48 hours ago, seemed reasonably secure with a 2.5-game lead and CC on tap—is suddenly inching toward long shot status. We can have a debate at another time how important winning the division actually is, but for now I’ll just lament the loss of Sabathia’s personal glory.

Dan Hanzus writes the Yankees blog River & Sunset and can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter @danhanzus.

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

Let’s start with a serious question today: Should Monument Park be renamed STEINBRENNER SHRINE (& Assorted Other Dead Guys)?

I’m not even joking. Babe Ruth has been dethroned as the biggest star in the cave tucked beneath Mohegan Sun’s bar, and he’s been replaced by a guy who a) never played a game, b) had a male F.U.P.A., and c) exclusively wore white turtlenecks.

This actually happened.

Steinbrenner’s monument is a beast. It measures 7 feet across and 5 feet high across its bronze face. It weighs 760 pounds, or roughly one Hideki Irabu. The shrine positively towers over monuments to Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Joe DiMaggio, Mickey Mantle, and Miller Huggins, which are all 2 feet by 3 feet.

I suppose this can’t be considered a surprise. The “George would have wanted it this way!” sentiment probably ran pretty deep within the organization and son Fredo Hank Steinbrenner likely demanded the dimensions as one final “Am I good enough for you now…DAD?!?” gesture.

Amazingly, this may not have even been the oddest subplot of the night.

Enter Joseph Paul Torre. With the Dodgers off Monday, management invited the former Yankees manager and Don Mattingly to the ceremony. And while it was great to see a beaming Donnie Baseball reveling in his newly-minted managerial glow, this didn’t seem like the right circumstance to bring Torre back.

In case you’ve forgotten, things have been, well, awkward between Torre and the Yankees since his departure from the organization in 2007. After making the playoffs 12 straight years, the Yankees told Torre he would have to take a pay cut to stay on as manager, which prompted his exit and eventual tell-all book that basically read like a 512-page breakup note.

You could tell the fans wanted to give Torre the welcome he deserved, but the circumstances dictated a subdued response. And with Vegas listing a 283 percent probability rate of Torre managing the Mets next season, we’ll probably have to wait at least a couple more years before New York’s prodigal manager can properly come home.

It was an unusual night to say the least, all done in the big, loud, “Pomp and Circumstance” nature that the Yankees have perfected over the years. Oh, and they beat the Rays to increase their lead in the AL East. I’ve got a feeling that would’ve been ol’ George’s favorite part of the night.

Actually, it’d probably still be the massive shrine. It’d definitely be the massive shrine.

Dan Hanzus writes the Yankees blog River & Sunset and can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter @danhanzus.

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Is it better to be lucky or good?

In Alex Rodriguez‘s case, last night he was a little bit of both.

Rodriguez should could have been rung up on a called strike three in the ninth inning last night. But that didn’t happen, and moments later, he hit a home run devastating enough in its effectiveness to leave Orioles closer Koji Uehara doubled over in anguish, looking like an eight-bit pitcher from the old Bases Loaded video game.

We don’t know for sure what A-Rod’s game-deciding, three-run shot will mean to the Yankees going forward. There was talk yesterday of it being “the home run that saved the season.”

That seems a little strong to me—at least for now. If CC gets lit up tonight, or the Yanks lay an egg in the ALDS, one big homer on Sept. 17 won’t matter much.

But it’s forgivable for the fanbase and media to be hyperbolic about the moment, because it was that exciting, that dramatic, that clutch.

Ah, clutch. There were years that went by when Rodriguez was known as the antithesis of the clutch player. Only a Sully from Med-fahd would say that now.

Big win or not last night, there’s an overwhelming probability that the Yankees will be in the playoffs, whether it be as a division or wild-card winner.

But the win was absolutely significant in how this Yankee team feels about itself as the postseason nears. Whether the players that were here in 2009 say it or not, it’s clear that this team isn’t as good as the one that captured the World Series a year ago.

Repeating is going to be a challenge, but home runs like A-Rod’s provide a sign that these Yankees can be special, too. For all the roster’s warts, there remains enough talent here to go further than anyone in October.

Last May in Camden Yards, A-Rod hit a three-run homer in his first at-bat of the season that the team pointed to as the moment the season took off. We can only hope this three-run homer in the same park has a similar effect in 2010.

Stray thoughts:

• I’ve always found A.J. Burnett kind of unlikable, but this mysterious black eye situation ratchets up the whole experience for me. He looks like one of the henchman from that movie where truckers kidnapped Kurt Russell’s wife.
• Mark Teixeira is quietly having one of the worst “good seasons” in baseball history. Can you tell me the last time this guy got a big hit? How many completely clueless three-week stretches have we been subjected to this season? Robot malfunction.
• A-Rod commented to Kim Jones after the game about the importance of going into the playoffs with a “full metal jacket.” It was funny he said that, because right before he was interviewed, YES cut to a shot of Uehara in the dugout looking like Private Pyle right before he iced the drill instructor in the movie Full Metal Jacket. Tread lightly, Buck Showalter.
• Felix Hernandez’s near no-no last night against the Rangers may have put him ahead of Sabathia in the Cy Young race. I think the big man is going to have to get to 22 wins to regain favorite status. Winning tonight is mandatory.
• You deserve it, Donnie. I’m now 2.3 percent Dodgers fan.

Dan Hanzus writes the Yankees blog River & Sunset and can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter @danhanzus.

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

And now, ladies and gentleman, the Aflac $100,000 Question of the Day: Who is Dan Johnson?

Hmmmm …

Was he the dude from Miami Vice? Wait, that was Don Johnson.

Okay …

Well, I think I went to middle school with a Dan Johnson, but he was really only notable for getting chicken pox like seven times. No one with an immune system that flawed could defeat the New York Yankees, so let’s rule him out.

Let’s see …

People tell me that Boston fans know Johnson very well; apparently he’s done similar damage to the Nation. Unfortunately, Red Sox fans have been harder to find than Sisqo for the past two months.

Think, think, think …

Seriously now, who in the hell is this Dan Johnson — and why is he trying to destroy me?

As you can see, I’m not taking this well. Blowing winnable games with first place on the line can do that to a man. The Yankees were thisclose to a huge series win … and they let it slip away.

I’m not even going to get angry with Phil Hughes. Other then two very bad pitches thrown to this Dan Johnson fellow, Easy Cheese pitched a very respectable game. Besides, it’s become clear that Hughes’ 2010 season is now more about steady progress as opposed to the breakout sensation potential he flashed back in the spring.

I can’t exhibit the same restraint for the Yankee reserves who have received extended playing time with Nick Swisher and Brett Gardner out of the lineup with injuries.

Lance Berkman, Austin Kearns, and Colin Curtis put up a combined 5-for-28 (.179) with zero RBIs and runs scored in the three-game set.

Even worse, they seemed to come up every single time the Yankees needed a big hit. Needless to say, it didn’t work out.

Berkman’s double play to short circuit a bases loaded threat in the first was emblematic of the whole game. ESPN got a shot of Mark Teixeira’s face as he turned back from home plate just in time to see Berkman get punched out at first.

If you could translate his expression, it would go something like this:

“Wow. I mean … wow. I don’t want to be a jerk about this, because Lance has had a great career, and he’s the same guy who suggested that amazing barbecue place last time through Arlington. But this guy sucks. He really and truly sucks. Super hard.”

If letting Hideki Matsui and Johnny Damon walk as free agents were the two scoops, and signing Nick Johnson was the hot fudge, then acquiring Kearns and Berkman represents the whipped cream and cherry on top of Brian Cashman’s hot sundae of sabotage this season.

The Yankees have lost eight of 10 games, but Joe Girardi said on Wednesday that his team could have easily won five of the games they dropped during this stretch. Of course, the glass-half-empty viewpoint is two late-inning home runs are all that separates the team from a 10-game losing streak and ESPN’s Bristol, Conn. campus literally exploding from excitement.

Cowbells are still ringing in my ears. I think I need the off-day more than the Yankees.

Stray thoughts:

– The real tragedy of the game is that Derek Jeter cheated, and the Yankees didn’t even get a win to show for it. The captain needs to add that performance to his reel, alongside the time he wore a dress on a bad SNL sketch and the scene in Seinfeld where he rocked the mean Kid ‘N’ Play fade.

– The Yankees travel to Camden Yards next. You think Buck Showalter would like to extend his old team’s misery? Am I insinuating that Buck Showalter is a bad guy? Yes. Yes I am.

– I really don’t think I could hit any worse than Kearns or Berkman. I can get on a flight tomorrow and be in Baltimore by dinner. C’mon Cash, right the wrongs here.

– Tropicana Field still makes me want to die a little.

– Big home run, Curtis Granderson. I’m not going to say you’ve earned True Yankee™ status just yet, but you’re really starting to grow on me.

Dan Hanzus writes the Yankees blog River & Sunset and can be reached via e-mail at dhanzus@gmail.com. Follow Dan on Twitter @danhanzus.

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