Kuzul

I was watching The Daily Show the other night when Jon Stewart said something that reminded me of some old fake headlines I wrote in 2003.

Stuff like (some are dated but still funny if you know the reference),

“New York Mets Win World Series: Cite Snow in Hell”

“President Bush Renames Three Stooges: Axis of Brilliancy.”   

“Up Next on FOX: Why CBS is Brainwashing You”

“Lobbyists Distraught by Lack of Influence: Cite Growing Voter Interest”

“Up Next on ESPN: The World Series of Tarot Reading”

“President Bush Declares War on Evil Ottoman Empire: Operation Orwell”

“California Gov. Gray Davis Fiddles as State Burns: More Than Just Gonorrhea”

“Hick Sees Elvis in Spit Cup; Then Realized It Was His Reflection”

“France Reluctantly Announces Original Name of French Fries: Hitler’s Delight”

“NBC’s ‘Must See Thursday’ Added to Axis of Evil: Bush cites Rachel’s Bastard Child”

“Saddam Hussein’s Bunker Explored Dramatically by Geraldo Rivera: Then Trapped”

“Bah Mitzvah Clown Takes Wrong Turn: Ends up at Home of Jehovah’s Witnesses”

“Creepy Theater Vendor Makes Sweet, Sweet Love to Extra Spicy Nachos”

I wrote those fake headlines for a radio producer, amongst other material that was humorous and otherwise.  It goaded some nostalgia from way back when I thought I was paying my dues to work in radio.  I was and I wasn’t. 

You see, the producer I worked with hailed from the Great and Powerful New York Media.  He was on his way to having a talk radio show at KFBK in Sacramento and wanted me on the staff as a producer.  I was nearly hired but as fate would have it, I wasn’t.  
 
After which I thought I should get with reality and find a real job.  As fate would have it, that job would be at the Liberty Lake Home Depot in Washington state, where shortly after I started, a guy known as UFO Phil was kicked out of the store while trying to film his movie. 

The reason that seemed unreal to me is that UFO Phil made his first appearance in fall of 1997 on the KDON radio show produced by the producer I knew.

I took it as a sign that I was being called to media, which seems hypocritical, because I often express my ire with the mainstream media.

The fall of 1997 is also when I began my inexplicably incessant interest for media.  I was the type of kid that was interested in Nielsen ratings, surveys and demographics.  My only “crime” was to think that the Internet was the future of the media.

I do not think of my articles as personal attacks, but rather constructive criticism.  I do not feel pretentious in doing so, because I simply state things from the perspective of a viewer, which are needed for them to stay in business.  I do so, because I believe that people in media are generally smart enough to be disdainful of predictability.

Around the same time, that I started working at The Home Depot was the same time that Anna Nicole Smith died. 

You see, growing up, I was the type of teenager that went to convenience stores to buy Time Magazine and US News and World Report, and a healthy dose of Mad Magazine.  I actually wanted “real” news (but what is real news?), because I was a geek and proud of it. 

Something had to change.

Thus, I like to think that criticism from a viewer would have a Heisenberg effect that would catalyze change in the media that has become addicted to sensationalism and weak narratives, out of expeditiousness but not stupidity. 

How would I know that the people I write about would read?  I gambled that they Google their names or subjects of their interest, or they have people do it for them.

Just predicting the next move from rational possibilities, so in a way, they should be flattered by the fact that I assume that they are rational.

There is nothing worse and creepy than knowing that someone is viewing you. 

Reverse voyeurism is in essence is what I have used on The Bleacher Report, in hopes that people in the media would become jaded by self-indulgent narcissism and focus on substantive news once again.  Criticism from within inner circles is never quite the same as the words of an outsider that ring true.

News had and has sunk so low that there really is no discernible difference between bloggers and some (not all) people in the media, except money. 

Most cable news these days boils down to the question, which political side is more hypocritical?  That is not to evaluate the validity or virtues of someone’s politics or professionalism, but simply to say that the common good is never served when people are only interested in winning debates.

So, why predicate this article from something on The Daily Show, which spoofs the same mainstream media that has jaded me? 

Just thought it was ironic in its own ironic way.

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

(This article will also include my awards for the American League and National League).

To an extent, I believe in sabermetrics.  I don’t tout ERA and batting average with RISP as individual statistics, but as team statistics, even if an individual player must come through when it counts.  Both are still important to have, but neither are a good way to evaluate an individual player.

Last year, I argued that Felix Hernandez of the Seattle Mariners should be the American League Cy Young winner.  This year however, I don’t think so.

It appears that baseball fans in recent years have caught a bad case of Sadecki-itis.

I don’t care about how good Hernandez’s ERA is or how many strikeouts he threw: Awarding the top honor for pitching to someone that went 13-12 for a team that won 62 games is exactly why people are losing interest in pro baseball.

To put it simply, it’s abhorrent.

In 2009, Zack Greinke of the Kansas City Royals and Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants both won the honors for Cy Young.  Greinke finished 16-8, while Lincecum finished 15-7.  At least, in the case of Greinke, he had dominated early that season, while the Giants had a respectable record of 88 wins.

The Mariners, plain and simply, have stunk.  Strikeouts are boring, because people want to see wins.  To some extent, how hard is it to be the best player on a team that no one takes seriously?

And here’s the irony of eye-popping stats: The New York Yankees have performed better as a whole when Alex Rodriguez has been at his relative worst.

Awarding league honors to the best players from bad teams, like I said, is exactly why fans have generally stopped caring about pro baseball.  You may think it’s in the interest of fairness to award the hard-luck guys, but at the same time, the league needs viable stars in order to generate revenue.

It is what it is.

I’m an A’s fan, and they have plenty of hard luck players.  But even I know that the league wouldn’t be in business without New York, Chicago, and Boston, not by shear size of those markets but by consumer willingness to spend money.

So get over it.

These days as well, I would submit to you that there’s no such thing as a hard-luck pro baseball player, when even mediocre talent can make upwards of a million dollars per year.

To me, it’s the same as describing a 6’2”, 295 lb NFL lineman as “smallish.”

Now that I have made my spiel, here are my AL and NL awards.

Begin Slideshow

Well, Alex Rodriguez, it’s time to remember the name of Dallas “Instant Hero” Braden, because in a few years, he might be on your team.

The Oakland Athletics pitcher tossed a 4-0 perfect game against the Tampa Bay Rays, marking the first perfect game in Oakland in 42 years when Catfish Hunter achieved the feat.  Hunter would eventually sign a free-agent contract with the New York Yankees.

This is one of those moments that every true sports fan salivates over.  More than stats, we want to see athletes put more stock in their game than just money.  Braden has done just that.

To quote Braden’s grandmother, “Stick it, A-Rod!”

After the controversial confrontation between Oakland Athletics pitcher Braden and New York Yankees infielder Alex Rodriguez on April 22, in which Braden exploded at Rodriguez for walking across the mound, Braden has truly established himself as a force to be reckoned with.  Braden put himself on the line against A-Rod and then raised his game.

More importantly though, Braden would accredit the team for the effort in this sparkling performance.  

“It’s without a doubt a team effort,” Braden said. “You got eight guys out there chasing balls and knocking balls down for me. So this is ours, not just mine, this is ours.”

The sad part of this story is that this performance by Braden, however, should underline the dire need for Major League Baseball to terminate the territorial rights of the San Francisco Giants in San Jose, so that the A’s can build a stadium there.

Why do I say that?

Braden pitched the A’s first perfect game since Hall of Famer Jim “Catfish” Hunter’s gem on May 8, 1968, against the Minnesota Twins. Only 6,298 were there to witness it. Sunday’s crowd at the Coliseum wasn’t much better: 12,228.

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com