Kuzul

Matt Cain was already armed with a wide array of pitches, but now the dude is packing a samurai sword. 

Things do get fairly busy when you throw a perfect game. I wouldn’t know first hand, as my biggest accomplishment is the one time I didn’t eat a box of thin mints, but we’ll move on. 

Matt Cain threw a perfecto a week ago against the Houston Astros and then pitched Monday night against the L.A. Angels. 

Before he got started on his five innings of work and eventual 5-3 win, he needed to reap some rewards. 

According to Yahoo! Sports, his pitching day began by recording a spot for the night’s Late Show with David Letterman, a segment entitled, “Things I Want to Achieve Now That I Have Thrown a Perfect Game.”

The best of the day came in the form of a samurai sword. 

BuzzFeed Sports tweeted this picture and assumption that a perfect game comes with a perfectly sweet gift:

Apparently this is what you get for throwing a perfect game – yfrog.com/nt508rlj

— BuzzFeed Sports (@BuzzFeedSports) June 19, 2012

According to the Yahoo! Sports report, there is a perfectly good reason Cain was given a samurai sword that nerds like me will covet from afar:

He then accepted the gift of a samurai sword from Mizuno USA, a company that he endorses. According to Mizuno, the sword has only been awarded to its brand ambassadors on five different occasions with the most recent being Dallas Braden’s perfect game in 2010.

You too can have your very own samurai weapon. You need only to endorse Mizuno and to then throw nine innings of perfection.

As for me, I will just watch Kill Bill one more time and call it a job well done.

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I think we can just about call the “Clown Question, Bro” meme good and dead now. 

Like too many people thinking they can carry Call Me Maybe to fame, we have one too many Bryce Harper impressions on the open market now. 

Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid volleyed a question like a true bro recently, and it had the correspondents in stitches. 

USA Today reports Reid was asked about the DREAM Act and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell by Roll Call reporter Steven T. Dennis. 

Reid paused and let the twinkle in his eye shine for all. He thought to himself, this is it. This is the moment I have been waiting a lifetime for. 

Reid, for a moment, was the funny kid in class. 

The report says Reid is an avid fan of Washington Nationals star Bryce Harper, the outfielder who made the phrase, “clown question, bro” a sensation.

Now that the phrase is being used by 72-year-old senators, we can pretty much cease and desist form ever having to mutter the phrase. 

The moment was clever and funny. I chuckled along with the rest of you, but I am telling you all to stop right now. 

The virus that is Call Me Maybe parodies continues to spread; we don’t need another epidemic. 

Follow me on Twitter for a hunky-dory time. 

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Shane Victorino held another fashion show for a great cause, but it was pitcher Cole Hamels who stole the show. 

Dan Gross of The Philadelphia Daily News reports on Victorino holding his third annual fashion show to benefit the Shane Victorino Foundation. 

The Union League was filled with stars helping the foundation whose mission statement is,”dedicated to promoting opportunities for underserved youth. The Foundation engages in projects which provide children in need with educational, recreational and wellness programs.”

This year, current Phillies and their families were joined by the likes of Bernard Hopkins and Joe Piscopo. 

The night belonged to Hamels who wore this ensemble which is now the talk of the fashion world. Okay, it’s merely the talk of people who consider capris and highly-cuffed pants to be rather silly. 

Hamels is making a habit of creating the fashion stir. Last year when he, as The Big Lead put it, embraced his inner Ace Ventura. 

I think he really sets the bar high with his bright-red high water pants. Those things could be more red, but not by much. 

From a sports land filled with emerging hipsters, I would expect this wardrobe to feature on a podium shortly. 

Of course, the event was without Chase Utley who continues to rehab with what I like to describe as crappy knee syndrome. 

His wonderful wife, Jennifer, was escorted by the Phillie Phanatic down the catwalk. 

That video should serve to remind other, younger Phanatics that you too can grow up to be a dapper superstar. 

Another night of fun and frivolity was had, and Hamels once again hit it out of the park. 

Follow me on Twitter for one hell of a good time. 

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The Phillie Phanatic has been a very bad boy.

At least that is what one woman is claiming after the Phanatic allegedly tossed her in a pool and caused her severe bodily harm. 

Oh boy.

I will walk a fine line in this article, so forgive me if I teeter over the precipice. I am being balanced on one side by my hatred for grown men in mascot uniforms generally creeping me out. On the other is my skepticism of the claim. 

Like a nice steak dinner, let’s work on the meat of this thing first. 

The Philadelphia Daily News picked up a report from the Courthouse News Services on a woman who is undoubtedly frustrated with mascots, pools and being thrown by one into the other right about now. 

Suzanne Peirce alleges the Phillie Phanatic, a great big green thing that tries to take people’s minds off Chase Utley, picked her up, as well as the lounge chair she was resting on, and threw them both in a nearby pool. 

The suit alleges the Phanatic lost his mind on July 17th, 2010 as Peirce was enjoying her sister’s wedding at The Golden Inn in Avalon. 

Let me state that Peirce’s claims are quite serious. 

Peirce claims she hurt just about everything in the incident, including suffering “severe and permanent injuries to her head, neck, back, body, arms and legs, bones, muscles, tendons, ligaments, nerves and tissues …” and more. The pool did have water in it, attorney Aaron Denker said, though Peirce was tossed in the shallow end.

As for who is being sued, Peirce is targeting Tom Burgoyne, Matt Mehler and anyone else who may have been wearing the Phanatic suit. 

In fact, I am sure she would lob a suit at anyone who dressed up as the Phillie Phanatic for Halloween if she could. 

The report continues: 

A Phillies spokeswoman said the team was aware of the lawsuit and does not believe the Phanatic engaged in wrongful conduct…

The lawsuit does not mention specific dollar amounts, but claims Peirce has spent large sums of money on medicine and medical attention and has also suffered from “humiliation and loss of life’s pleasures.”

Let me dial it back just a bit, because if Peirce was indeed hurt as much as she claims, she deserves every penny she is after. 

I just can’t fathom a situation where ligaments, bones, muscles and emotions were irreparably destroyed by being thrown into a pool. 

If so, I need to sue my father, brother, friends and every last person who has thrown my fat ass into a pool over the years. 

As for the Phanatic, he seems to be doing just fine, as his performance recently with Paula Abdul suggests. 

For those not wanting to test the waters (pun intended), please walk the other way if you see the Phanatic walking down the street. 

And for the love of all that is holy, run if you happen to be next to a pool. 

Follow me on Twitter for a humdinger of a time. 

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Stephen Strasburg‘s day could have gone better. Perhaps a better performance on the mound and less Icy Hot on his testicles would have helped. 

Nobody is perfect. That includes Nationals’ ace Stephen Strasburg and the alleged prankster that put something hot where it doesn’t belong. 

Oh, I know that you must have a ton of questions after a statement like that. All in good time. 

The Nationals dropped a game to the Padres on Tuesday. Losing to San Diego is embarrassment enough, but the Nats found a new way to make headlines. 

Consider this tweet from the Washington Post’s Adam Kilgore.

An unusual postgame revelation: Davey volunteered that Strasburg got “hot stuff” in “the wrong place” and “I don’t know how it got there.”

— Adam Kilgore (@AdamKilgoreWP) May 15, 2012

Thankfully, we have a few more details on the biggest mystery of the day. CSN Washington’s Mark Zuckerman offers this in a tweet.

The insinuation from Davey: Somebody put something like Icy-Hot on Strasburg in a place it shouldn’t have been before game.

— Mark Zuckerman (@MarkZuckerman) May 15, 2012

Strasburg had a dominant 1.64 ERA coming into the game and left with a 2.25 ERA. Through four innings, the young ace allowed seven hits and four earned runs. 

In short and simple terms, he wasn’t himself. 

Having a foreign substance that can leave a burning sensation in the most delicate of places might do that. 

I’m all for pranks and leaving itching powder, Icy Hot or something else on the man’s jockstrap, if that is indeed what happened, but there is a time and place. 

If you want a specific time, I don’t have one. I would think anytime other than his turn in the rotation would be a good idea. 

The think tank they have over in Washington is just brilliant. Watch out, Bryce Harper, because you’re next. 

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Being a Chicago Cubs ball girl comes with certain perks, one of which may very well be getting in touch with the opposition to get your flirt on. 

The good people at Busted Coverage direct our attention to a video feed that captured a Cubbies ball girl writing down a missive and then sending it off with an usher, presumably to a Braves player.  

It’s not like a Cubs fan would ever want to date a Chicago ballplayer. 

It was a scene that played out just like the movie The Natural (minus Glen Close, Robert Redford and that fat kid that stood awkwardly as Roy Hobbs tried to bat). 

Here is the video which includes a ball girl sitting, a note being written and some old dudes being creepy behind the scenes. 

The video feed comes courtesy of the Uverse Cubs Multi-View, and the voice at the end of the video is Cubs announcer Bob Brenly, via the YouTube description. 

Brenly wonders openly whether the ball girl was sending the digits towards the opposition dugout with the usher. 

It’s at this point that we wonder why the video feed was transfixed on the poor girl for precisely too long. 

This has me a tad creeped out to enter any stadium where random cameras recording all the action might lurk. Seeing as how I am not an attractive female but a handsome and incredibly charming male, I should be safe. 

As for the Braves, we tip our hats in their general direction. 

I understand that playing the 12-17 Cubs can be as boring as listening to Charlie Manuel discuss anything, so I can see where you might resort to picking up on any female that may be on the field. 

If you want to truly grasp the fine art of hitting on chicks while you play a baseball game, it’s simple. You send the usher to do it.

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Is Bobby Valentine the perfect fit in Boston?

The Boston Red Sox are off to a slow start, but the tide may be turning to far more wins in the coming days. A harsh upcoming schedule will really settle whether Valentine is the man for this tumultuous job.

I have some thoughts on why you shouldn’t be ready to kick Valentine out of Boston. This team has holes, and the season isn’t always going to be pretty.

This is a manager that offers much more than meets the eye. One that will help the team in the long run, even if the media glare is firmly on him and not his team.

However, his latest blast to the media signals a touchy situation needs kid gloves, not a manager with a bat smashing all the chemistry to pieces. 

Agree with me completely and with all your heart? Or do you think that I am a complete imbecile? Either way, make your voices heard in the comments section below. 

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The New York Yankees were looking absolutely stacked until a rash of injuries brought them back down to planet earth. Here is what needs to happen for another title run.

Michael Pineda came into spring training with an extra 10 pounds or so, and it seems to have affected his fastball. It’s important to note that his recent outing showed flashes of the young stud New York traded for, so there is hope.

Hiroki Kuroda is another pitcher that needs to prove he can translate his solid innings eating to the American League.

After that, it’s a couple of sluggers that need to step their game up if the Yankees are truly going to battle for a World Series in 2012.

This is one franchise that starts every year with the promise of glory. Any amount of faltering at the end is received as an utter failure by their fanbase.

Here is a brief rundown of the players of note that simply have to step their game up if 2012 is going to be a championship campaign.

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We head into the final push for fantasy owners yet to take on the task of drafting a brilliant fantasy baseball team. You know all the marquee names, and now you have to take care of those sleepers lurking in the late rounds that will secure your season victory. 

We all know that the Robinson Canos and Matt Kemps of the world will fall to those lucky enough to be in line to take them. 

It really is all about position at the top, taking the scantest of skill, but the real joy comes in the later rounds, where the craftiest of fantasy owners shine. 

Here are the players who will make you look like a draft-day genius. 

For Average Draft Projection, we use the ESPN average of their fantasy leagues. 

1. Lucas Duda

I will ask you a simple question: What’s not to like about a big swinger who makes great contact on the ball?

Duda will man right field and get the green light, making him a power-hitting possibility to target in the later rounds. His current ADP is 208.9, so he will be around when most power hitters are gone. 

He is having a solid spring. Per USA Today he already has three home runs and seven RBI in the preseason.  

2. Jose Tabata

Being well-rounded isn’t a bad thing and is a blessing to find in the later rounds. The Pirates’ outfielder has an ADP of 222.1, which makes him a steal. 

His batting average took a dip last season, but his walk rate increased and his OBP remained stagnant. This could be the year he puts it all together. 

3. Trevor Cahill

Here is an innings eater and is pitching for a solid ball club in the D-Backs. He should flirt with 15 wins as he continues to miss bats and induce ground balls. 

With an ADP of 223.7, Cahill should be a late starting pitcher who will solidify a staff with consistency. 

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This is not your granddaddy’s Major Leagues. The sport that is forever transfixed by tradition is changing things up, and it’s going to be mightily magical.

There will be one wild card spot added to each league, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Sure, there are some that hate the new format, but I say give it a chance, because there is a great deal to like here.

The best reason to love an added spot is that the division means something. Finally, we will have top-tier teams playing hard in September to secure the division title. If not, they could be one and done in the one-game, winner-take-all wild-card format.

After that, it’s all about more teams having a bigger shot at the Big Dance. Forget about half the league losing interest sometime in June. Now there is a reason to hold out hope for the entire year.

This is going to be a brilliant change, and here are the teams that stand to win big because of it.

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