(Satire) Less than a week after declining his $7.25 million option for 2011, the Detroit Tigers relieved many angry fans by announcing they had locked up do-it-all shortstop Jhonny Peralta to a new two-year, $11.25 million steal of a deal.
“I’m very excited to stay here in Detroit,” Peralta said. “Actually, I’m just very excited to actually still have a job in the majors.”
Peralta was acquired before last year’s trade deadline from the Cleveland Indians, where he was batting a putrid .246 in 91 games.
However, after the trade he lit the Motor City Kitties on fire with a whopping .253 average and .314 on-base percentage that nearly rallied the Tigers to an above-.500 record in the bloodthirsty American League Central Division.
Detroit general manager Dave Dombrowski couldn’t have been happier with Peralta’s second-half performance.
“The scouting report coming out of Cleveland was that this guy had a hole in his glove,” Dombrowski said. “We sent our best scouts to investigate, and despite the 19 errors he had last year, we were unable to locate an actual hole.”
Peralta acknowledged that, while he is incredibly happy to be in Detroit, he would always call Cleveland home.
“It’s where I broke in, where I grew up,” he said. “Where I complained about switching positions, where I put on forty pounds, where I continued to swing and miss at the low outside breaking ball…”
Tigers skipper Jim Leyland is also a fan of Peralta’s.
“It’s not often we can add a player of his consistency to our lineup,” Leyland added. “He was so close to averaging a strikeout a game in Cleveland, and I feel like, with a little work, he can finally accomplish that here.”
The extension no doubt pushes the Tigers into the World Series discussion, now with such an intimidating bat in the middle of their order for the entire season.
So look out Giants, Jhonny Peralta and his lifetime .263 average is roaring to take a bite out of you.
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