Kuzul

Satire

The Indians got a bit of surprising news this morning when former Indians ace Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn announced that he was planning a comeback to Major League Baseball.

Vaughn was quoted as saying the come back is all about “winning and bi-winning.”

It was welcome news to a pitching staff that was a combined 69-93 with a 4.30 ERA in 2010.

The 45 year-old pitcher broke into baseball in 1989 with a terrific rookie year. Discovered in the California Penal League, Vaughn’s raw talent earned him a spot on the Indians spring training roster.

He had some control issues early, but once corrected, he anchored the rotation that also featured Cy Young award winner Eddie Harris. 

On why he decided to come back: “It’s always kind of bothered me that I retired a year before the Indians made their run in the 1990s.  When Lou [Former Indians Manager Lou Brown] died, I had to take a serious look at my life,” Vaughn said. “I called Jake [Taylor] and we got together over the offseason and started working on some stuff. You know, getting back into shape.”

He has also been working out with former Indians Gold Glove Award winner Willie Mays Hayes.

The workouts have been intense, but that has not deterred Vaughn: “I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.” Hopefully that Tiger Blood will translate into victories for the Tribe.

With an inconsistent Fausto Carmona as the opening day starter, there are a lot of questions heading into 2011. There is some promise with the likes of Justin Masterson, Carlos Carrasco and Mitch Talbot, all under 28 years old. None of them are proven starters.

Ricky Vaughn has said he’d like to compete for a job as a starter, refusing to entertain the notion that he would be relegated to bullpen duty.

When asked about the Indians pitchers, Vaughn clarified by saying, “They’re the best at what they do and I’m the best at what I do. And together it’s like, it’s on. Sorry, Middle America [American League Central].” That kind of positive thinking will be a welcomed addition to current skipper Manny Acta.

Slow starts have plagued the Indians in recent years. If Ricky’s aging arm can stand up to the rigor of a full MLB season, this might be the year they get it turned around. Wild Thing was not ashamed when he talked about what he expects from the upcoming 2011.

He said “It’s perfect. It’s awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary. People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view.”

Not everybody is drinking the kool-aid. The groundskeepers at Progressive Field in Cleveland were quoted as saying “They’re still sh**** [crappy].”

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“In this fall, this is very tough, in this fall I’m going to take my talents to South Beach and join the Miami Heat.”

With that one sentence, a city that once loved NBA superstar LeBron James began to burn his jerseys, t-shirts and anything else with the number 23 on it.

He had become the second most hated man in the city, second only to Art Modell of course, the former owner of the Cleveland Browns that oversaw the move of the beloved franchise to Baltimore.

Meanwhile, 1,241 miles south of Cleveland, Miami has gone into a frenzy. The Heat have managed to land the three biggest stars of NBA free agency. Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and James have formed a mega team, with the goal of becoming world champions not just for this season, but for years to come.

According to bodog.com, the odds of the Heat winning are at 17/10, by far the best in the league. It would be one of the greatest shock moments in sports if the Heat were to somehow be stopped short of their goal.

It’s a sure thing, or is it?

The New York Yankees found out the hard way that building a championship team is about more than spending money and getting all the great talent available. With a payroll of $206,738,389 (yes, you read that correctly) the Yankees should roll through any team in the league.

Friday night, however, their season came to an anti-climactic end. With two outs in the ninth inning, New York’s $33 Million dollar man Alex Rodriguez took a called third strike against the Texas Rangers’ rookie closer Neftali Feliz. How much does Feliz earn a year? How about $402,000?

The Rangers have something money can’t buy: a core of hard working players that play the game in a fundamentally sound way. Their main offensive weapon is Josh Hamilton, a recovering drug addict who can’t even enjoy the champagne celebration for fear of relapse into alcoholism.

They believe in each other and have built up such trust in each other that they truly play as a team. Nobody is a star and everybody contributes. They are the definition of the word team.

So yes, on paper the Heat have the best team with all the superstars, so did the Yankees. Miami will have sold out games and a passionate fanbase, so did the Yankees. The Miami Heat expect to win the whole thing, and so did the Yankees.

When the 2010-2011 NBA basketball season kicks off don’t assume that Wade and company will be victors at the end. They play the games for a reason: just ask the Yankees.  

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