It’s a sad day in baseball when humorists cannot find anything to chuckle about during Red Sox spring training. There is no laughing in baseball this season.
This year’s team is a sober group, unwilling to crack a joke along with the crack of their bats. Their breakfast is the cereal of champions.
Gone are the happy-go-lucky spring training camps where Manny was a week or two late, and Adrian Beltre and his noggin-rubbing of yore has become the stuff of folklore. Beckett’s unfortunate rendezvous with a baseball proved about as funny as a migraine.
A few years ago, the overgrown boys of summer were a bunch of idiots, but no longer. Nowadays, David Ortiz is focused, wary of any poor start that comes with Opening Day. Why, even Jonathan Papelbon seems downright dull.
Controversies are at a premium. Oh, you can find Dustin Pedroia slipping out during a game to buy a few hot dogs, but that is nothing to relish.
Theo Epstein has pushed the mute button. He has nothing bad to say about anything, and even sits a few seats away from Brian Cashman in the stands, minding his own business.
Terry Francona’s press conferences are like chatting with people waiting in the checkout line at Wal-mart.
The crowds at the parks are at capacity. Fewer are texting or tweeting. It’s too pleasant sitting at Grapefruit League ballparks that resemble the bandboxes of 19th-century baseball.
The players who once offered us an opportunity to sharpen our rapier wit are now hard-working Puritans. Jason Varitek seems ready for this swan song with dignity. Jacoby Ellsbury never ribs us, and Carl Crawford is the poster boy for sports technology.
Adrian Gonzalez wants only to play at top capacity (like that other San Diego phenomenon who took the breath away from Boston fans), but Adrian is polite, kind-hearted, and pleasant, not like Teddy Ballgame of the temperamental mood. Don’t expect tantrums, curses or gestures.
What are we to make of a Boston team that offers no chance for irony, slapstick or farce?
In the parlance of champions everywhere, the Red Sox this spring are a humorless juggernaut. The only smiles we will see during the forthcoming season will emerge strictly from satisfaction with a victory. And, that is no laughing matter.
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