One of the legendary baseball executives passed away today. At the age of 80, George Steinbrenner suffered a heart attack and died in a hospital in Tampa. It was a somber mood around baseball on the day of the All-Star Game, as everyone got the news of his death.
But that wasn’t the case in the afterlife, as the minions of Hell prepared a grand ball to welcome The Boss. Hell’s party-planning committee, headed by Satan, Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, and Jack the Ripper, organized an “Under The Sea”-themed bash. They thought the theme would help cheer him up about his sudden death, by reminding him how the Yanks had dominated the mighty ocean-faring Tampa Bay Rays after a slow start.
It was to be a gala event, with dancing, music from the pedophile symphony orchestra, and some fine dining on fresh, tortured souls. The red carpet was littered with a who’s who of dead, evil celebrities out in their fanciest attire. But the mood dampened when Steinbrenner showed up and Satan went to give him a big hug.
“Whoa, what the… hell, I guess… am I doing here?” asked a confused Steinbrenner.
“What do you mean?” replied Satan. “This is your welcoming party! We got word you were coming in today, so we threw up this bash! Put on a seashell necklace and let’s dance and commit human rights atrocities!”
“Wait, I know I’m pretty disliked around the country because my team wins all the time, and I buy all the good players. But being sent to Hell? Really?”
“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you belong here. You’re a pretty hated guy. You’re probably the most disliked in sports, aside from Bill Belichick, of course. But we already know he’s coming to be my successor.”
“Are you serious?!” exclaimed Steinbrenner. “I was just a businessman. I mean, there’s a guy over there on the side of the red carpet just eating babies!”
“Oh, that… yeah, that’s Thargor. He’s an old Viking serial killer from about 1,000 years ago. He loves eating people…”
Satan yelled, “Thargor! Knock it off with the babies! We have a new guest! You’re freaking him out! Go inside and wait until those babies are cooked, like the rest of us are doing! We can all eat them then!”
He turned back to Steinbrenner.
“Feel more comfortable now, George?”
“No! I don’t belong here! How could this have happened?!”
Satan thought for a minute.
“Oh, wait… I bet I know what it was. Gary who works in Purgatory is a huge Red Sox fan, a part of Red Sox Nation and all that. He probably saw your name on the docket and put you down for Hell…”
“A-ha! I knew it! I definitely don’t belong with all these murderers and rapists. Can you get this fixed?”
Satan frowned.
“Yeah, I can. But it’s going to take a little paperwork to get done. Party is cancelled, everybody! George isn’t staying!”
“I’m sorry about this, the party looks very nice,” said George, trying to cheer up the nearly-in-tears Dark Lord.
“This always happens! No one cool ever comes to Hell! It’s only these jerks! This’ll take some time to get sorted out, George… won’t you come inside and eat a cooked baby with me while we wait for Heaven to come pick you up?”
“Just because I’m going to Heaven, doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love to eat a baby! I’m The Boss, after all!”
Both men shared a laugh and headed into the ballroom.
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