Not since the late Early Wynn pitched for Cleveland in a comeback to win 300 games has there been a pitching staff with two starters who look like the monsters who ate Cleveland.
Bartolo Colon and C.C. Sabathia, in combined British stone, would be heavy enough to build Stonehenge. Colon’s kind public relations guys claim he is still under 275 pounds. Sabathia is in the same ballpark as his fellow Yankee starter, but he hides it better.
If you want super-sized stars, then these two pitchers are now rivals for the Tweedledee and Tweedledum award, Kirstie Alley’s former prize.
When will an enterprising dieting food company sign them up? They’d eat everything on the menu.
Over the offseason Sabathia was said to have lost 30 pounds. Well, he found it again with a Happy Meal or two. Kind hearts have suggested the pitchers have a metabolism problem. On the moon, they’d only weigh 50 pounds, each. Fortunately for them, stripes make them look thinner.
In Boston the weighty issues generally have been limited to the hamburger-munching habits of Big Baby Glen Davis, but if you wanted to make a sandwich with Baby between those Yankee pitchers, he’d look like lean ground beef.
If these guys were playing for Mike Shanahan, they’d be on permanent suspension. Someone should tell them that Refrigerator Perry played football, not baseball.
If we measured C.C. in liquid weight, Sabathia would likely top a million. We are told that 1000 cc’s equal 2.2 pounds.
No doubt Yankee haters will call Sabathia and Colon many names related to being overweight, just don’t call them late to the dinner table.
We think Red Sox trim boys like Jacoby Ellsbury and Josh Reddick would fit into one pair of Colon’s pants, though we are not eager to see such a feat accomplished on a Twitpic.
So far Charles Barkley has not weighed in on the issue of the Yankee avoirdupois, but the pitching staff provides fans with love handles to grab onto for the remainder of the season in case it turns into a bumpy ride.
Herman Melville wrote about whales and ended up in New York in his twilight years. The Yankees have clearly harpooned a few more Moby types.
We don’t want to criticize the Yankees too much because we all know the World Series doesn’t end ’til the Fat Man pitches.
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