Kuzul

If there’s somethin’ strange in your neighborhood, who ya gonna call?

Yeah, yeah, we know. Ghostbusters!

But on the baseball field this time of year, if there’s somethin’ weird, and it don’t look good, who ya gonna call?

Starbusters!

Humbaby, that’s where I come in, and as always here at midsummer, I’ve got operators standing by 24/7, eager to help identify everything about the klutzes, reprobates, miscreants, cartoon characters, underperformers and dirty, rotten scoundrels who have helped us get to this point in 2016.

While the All-Stars are headed to lovely San Diego next week, where the Hotel del Coronado served as the inspiration for the remarkable The Wizard of Oz and the world-class zoo puts all of us in touch with our inner-mountain lion, Petco Park security has been alerted to not let these guys anywhere near the ballpark.

While the All-Stars gobble San Diego’s mouthwatering fish tacos, these guys lean more toward Benjamin Franklin, who once astutely noted that houseguests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

Coincidence that the All-Star festivities cover three days? Not on your life. So if you’re seeing things running through your head, yes, here comes the annual Anti-All-Star team and the new Ghostbusters reboot, in the same month. Kristen Wiig, you’d better be good. Or, at least, better than some of these guys (and, hey, we’re working on a corporate sponsorship deal with Kentucky Fried Chicken or Chick-fil-A. You’ll soon see why)….

1. First Base: Ryan Howard, Phillies

There was a time and a place for Philadelphia’s big, beefy first baseman, and that was 2008 and 2009, when he helped push the Phillies to back-to-back World Series appearances. That time and place was not May 2016, when he produced the worst calendar month in Phillies franchise history.

And being that the Phillies franchise dates back to 1883, that’s a whole lot of months.

In the not-so-merry month of May, Howard went 7-for-69 with 28 strikeouts in 75 plate appearances. Not only was it historically bad by Phillies standards, it was one of the worst months of May in baseball history: In the last 100 years, among players with a minimum of 60 at-bats in the month of May, Detroit’s Eddie Lake went 5-for-61 in 1949 to earn ignominy as the player with the fewest hits in May. Howard barely outdistanced him.

And when Howard eked out a .101 batting average during the month, he avoided joining a list of only four players who batted less than .100 during May with a minimum of 60 at-bats: Adolfo Phillips (.097, 1968), Danny Ainge (.098, 1981), Royce Clayton (.083, 2003) and Lake (.082, 1949).

As it is, Howard now is hitting .151 with a .213 on-base percentage, 11 homers and just 25 RBI.

Among the others considered were Washington’s Ryan Zimmerman (.216 BA, .278 OBP and he stranded 14 runners all by himself in a game in early May) and Toronto’s Chris Colabello, who still has absolutely no idea how those performance-enhancing drugs got into his system, he swears, cross his heart.

2. Second Base: Dee Gordon, Marlins

One season after leading the National League in batting average (.333), stolen bases (58) and hits (205), and after signing a five-year, $50 million extension with the Miami Marlins, Dee Gordon tested positive for PE-Dees and was whacked with an 80-game suspension.

He went with the same, tired dog-eared script as Colabello and others, of course, completely dumbfounded as to how those PEDs got into his system, he swears, cross his heart.

In his absence, Derek Dietrich has stepped up to hit .302 with a .395 on-base percentage and steal the hearts of Marlins fans. Now, when Gordon returns from exile on July 29, manager Don Mattingly has a decision to make. And the way Dietrich is playing, ostensibly without those PEDs, it’s easy: The kid has earned the right to keep his job, and good for him.

If it sounds like I’m bitter at Gordon, darn right I am. Because without him, the Dodgers’ Micah Johnson was going to be the Anti-All-Star team’s second baseman. And what he lacks in name recognition he more than makes up for in the goofy injury department: He missed time in February when he needed stitches in his left hand as a result of an accident while he was pitting an avocado. Yes, you read that right: He sacrificed part of his spring training for guacamole.

3. Shortstop: Erick Aybar, Braves

Atlanta knew it was downgrading defensively when it traded Andrelton Simmons to the Los Angeles Angels, but wow. Talk to Braves people, and they will tell you that Aybar has lost six or seven games all by himself with his sloppy play at shortstop.

Meanwhile, it’s not like he’s making up for it with his bat, dragging along at .223/.278/.282.

But what sealed his spot on this team occurred at lunch one day in late April: Aybar choked on a chicken bone that had lodged so deep in his throat that he had to be sedated to have it removed. He was out of the lineup for that night’s game, of course.

That’s how bad his season is going. Poor guy.

Now, would you like buttermilk ranch or Buffalo dipping sauce for those nuggets?

Also considered, of course, was newly signed New York Mets infielder Jose Reyes, who has missed almost all of this year while on ice under MLB‘s new domestic violence policy.

4. Third Base: Pablo Sandoval, Red Sox

Kung Fu Panda, stuffed to the gills even more than usual, had essentially lost his job to Travis Shaw this spring before bowing out for the season due to left shoulder surgery. Not that Sandoval was enormous, but he made the Ghostbusters‘ Stay Puft Marshmallow Man look positively tiny.

Being that this was only the second year of a five-year, $95 million deal, one of two things must happen going into next year: either Sandoval finds religion in the name of Jenny Craig, comes to spring training in great shape and performs, or Sox president of baseball operations Dave Dombrowski goes into overdrive mode working to deal him. Maybe the Fuddruckers’ softball team has interest.

Meanwhile, the Yankees’ Chase Headley was under consideration for this spot early before he played his way out of it in May and June. Not that he’s exactly scorching yet or anything, but man, his April was something to behold. A glimpse, provided by ESPN.com’s Jayson Stark:

Also considered was the White Sox’s Todd Frazier, who would have been our guy but for his 23 home runs. His .210 batting average through Tuesday was the worst in the American League among those with enough at-bats to qualify for the batting crown.

5. Catcher: Derek Norris, Padres

A lot of things have gone wrong in San Diego in 2016 after so many things went wrong in San Diego in 2015. In fact, many things have gone wrong in San Diego since the Padres’ inception in 1969, but, well, that’s another story for another day.

So as you can imagine, charting this list has nearly become an impossible task. But when it reaches the point where one of the owners calls out the team for being “miserable failures,” well, then, that’s a conversation-starter.

Especially because Ron Fowler was simply adding to what has become an endearing Padres tradition—their owner chastising the team publicly: At the 1974 home opener, it was McDonald’s magnate Ray Kroc who stunned everyone (especially the Padres players) by storming into the press box, scooping up the public address microphone and ranting that “I have never seen such stupid ballplaying in my life.”

Big Mac, anyone?

After becoming one of the team’s few bright spots in ’15, it’s as if the Hamburglar stole Norris’ bat. His .212 batting average and .269 OBP through Tuesday ranked second-to-last among MLB qualifiers, right there in 166th place.

Also considered was Toronto’s Russell Martin, whose production (.222, seven homers, 34 RBI) appears caught in some bizarre exchange rate issue between Canada and the U.S.

6. Left Field: Justin Upton, Tigers

As the Tigers continue to get clocked by Cleveland (10-0 against Detroit this year following a July 4 fireworks-spectacular victory), everyone wonders why Justin Upton continues to hit more like Kate Upton.

Is it because of the pressure of his new six-year, $132.75 million deal? Is it because when he signed with Detroit, Upton thought he was going to the beloved old hitter’s paradise that was the late, great Tiger Stadium instead of Comerica Park? Is the fact that Canada is just across the river distracting him?

What?

As Detroit gamely hangs in there in the division despite playing the bug to Cleveland’s big, bad car windshield, one thing is clear: Upton, a man known as one of the streakiest hitters in the game, is due for a monumental hot streak come the second half of this season.

7. Center Field: Jason Heyward, Cubs

With the Chicago Cubs thoroughly dominating the All-Star Game voting throughout the summer, it took hella negotiations to lure a Cub onto our Anti team. But through dogged persistence, the Cubbies are represented.

Across the board, Heyward’s having his worst season since 2011, when the dreaded sophomore slump mugged him. He’s hitting .233/.327/.324, and when a guy’s slugging percentage is that close to his on-base percentage, that spells T-R-U-B-L-E for an Anti-All-Star. (On the actual All-Star team, by the way, they spell that T-R-O-U-B-L-E).

Heyward’s eight-year, $184 million deal was knocked by some over the winter, but it made sense for the Cubs. With Anthony Rizzo, Kris Bryant and Co., they need on-base percentage from Heyward more than homers. Heyward’s painfully slow spring fell mostly under the radar behind Chicago’s hot start. But if that OBP doesn’t begin to head north soon, it’s going to get rocky for both Heyward and the Cubs.

8. Right Field: Giancarlo Stanton, Marlins

That—whiff!—breeze you’re feeling—whiff!—isn’t the air conditioner, and it’s not blowing in—whiff!—from the Atlantic Ocean. Whiff! No, it’s the shocking strikeout rate—whiff!—of erstwhile Marlins slugger—whiff!—Stanton.

His 102 Ks through Tuesday only ranked sixth in the majors (Cleveland’s’ Mike Napoli and Baltimore’s Chris Davis can strike out with the best of them), but Stanton also had fewer plate appearances than the leaders because Miami manager Don Mattingly finally had to bench Stanton to give the poor guy a chance to clear his head.

The Marlins have had his vision checked and everything is good. They’ve looked at video, taken extra batting practice, tweaked that, adjusted this, given him days off…yet, still, the astonishing punch-out rate continues. While he’s also hitting just .226/.320/.464 with 17 homers and 45 RBI, Stanton’s strikeout rate of 33.6 percent ranks second in the majors to Napoli (34.5 percent). The difference is, of course, Stanton in many views should be an annual MVP contender. Napoli is a grinder—a have-bat, will-travel sort.

Nevertheless, the Marlins remain in wild-card contention, meaning if Stanton can come out of this malaise, look out.

Also under consideration for outfield spots were Cleveland’s two PED twins, Marlon Byrd (suspended for 162 games) and Abraham Almonte (who just returned this month from suspension).

As you might guess, neither Byrd nor Almonte has the slightest idea of how those PEDs could have gotten into his system, he swears, cross his heart.

9. Designated Hitter: Adam LaRoche, Free Agent

It’s one thing to aim for Parent of the Year. It’s quite another to walk away from the remaining one year and $13 million on your contract and leave your teammates in a lurch because your bosses told you that while your son is welcome to spend time in the clubhouse, they don’t want your son around 24/7.

That was more than LaRoche could take, so he suddenly retired this spring. The White Sox clubhouse became nuttier than a Christmas fruitcake, with several over-the-top reactions, including this one from Adam Eaton, shared by 670 The Score’s Matt Abbatacola:

Drake LaRoche, by the way, was 14.

So then the season started, and the leaderless White Sox were so crippled that they immediately went out and spent most of April in first place. They’re still over .500. Which means, comparing last year to this, that, you know, they’re actually better off without LaRoche.

Meantime, don’t think Texas’ Prince Fielder (.217/.291/.341, seven homers) wasn’t considered for the Anti-All-Star DH role.

10. Starting Pitcher: James Shields, White Sox

True, there was plenty of competition for this spot. And it isn’t like Shields’ entire season has been bad. But when he has been bad, it’s been spectacular.

Whereas, it was Shields who pushed Padres owner Ron Fowler over the top with his putrid May 31 start in Seattle (10 earned runs in just 2.2 innings pitched), resulting in Fowler calling the team “miserable failures.”

Whereas, it was Shields who then was traded to the White Sox later that week, and then was booed off the mound in his first start in Chicago by surrendering seven earned runs in two innings.

Whereas, these consecutive starts resulted in this scary bit of history: Shields then went out and got clobbered for six earned runs in five innings in his second White Sox start, followed by giving up eight earned runs in 1.2 innings in his next start, and now today his ERA is 9.23 with Chicago.

Whereas, Shields also is guilty as charged this summer in surrendering a home run to Bartolo Colon, the first of Colon’s long career, making Colon, at 43, the oldest pitcher ever to homer.

Shields is hereby the poster boy for our Anti-All-Stars.

Ultimately, Kansas City’s Yordano Ventura (for starting another brawl, this one with Baltimore’s Manny Machado), Boston’s Clay Buchholz (for general awfulness), Boston’s Joe Kelly (for being banished to the bullpen) and free agent Mat Latos (for being released by the White Sox) didn’t stand a chance.

Though, it was tempting to clear a spot for Baltimore’s Brian Duensing, who suffered an elbow injury last month while adjusting his bullpen chair.

11. Closer: Trevor Rosenthal, Cardinals

Relievers can be less trustworthy than those twisted Pretty Little Liars, and don’t the St. Louis Cardinals know it. That’s why they are scouring the relief-pitching market before the upcoming trade deadline as fervently as a birder tracks a white-winged Scoter.

Rosenthal blew up on the Cardinals this year, couldn’t find the strike zone with a metal detector and GPS, and got demoted—and now here they are, sucking the Cubs’ exhaust fumes while Rosenthal languishes on this team.

The Yankees’ Aroldis Chapman was considered, of course, for his domestic violence suspension. And don’t forget Milwaukee’s Will Smith, who tore up a knee while taking off his cleats after a minor league game this spring. Yes, removing a shoe can be dangerous.

12. Stadium: Turner Field

Maybe, as a lame duck, it is lashing back. Perhaps, as a short-timer, it is bitter and nasty.

As a home park goes, Turner Field is about as hospitable to the Atlanta Braves as a severe sunburn. Atlanta has the worst home record in the majors at 13-34. And that’s an improvement. At the time of Fredi Gonzalez’s firing as manager, the Braves were 2-17 at home.

Originally built for the 1996 Summer Olympics, Turner Field—which hosted the 1999 World Series (an Atlanta loss to the Yankees) and the 2000 All-Star Game (where the MLB All-Century Team was unveiled)—gets a gold medal in sticking it to the Braves this year.

Also considered was Chase Field, where the Arizona Diamondbacks couldn’t win if they acquired Clayton Kershaw to go along with Zack Greinke. The Snakes were 15-31 at home through Tuesday night’s game. Clearly, the venom has been removed.

13. Virus: Zika

Booo! C’mon, Zika, don’t you think the world has enough issues? The threat of contracting this virus was a serious enough concern for the players union this year that MLB canceled a series that was supposed to be played in Puerto Rico in May between the Pittsburgh Pirates and Miami Marlins. Instead, the clubs played it in Miami in an effort to steer clear of the virus.

14. Rock ‘n’ Roll Lyric of the Week:

“Kiss a little baby

“Give the world a smile

“If you take an inch

“Give ’em back a mile

“‘Cause if you lie like a rug

“And you don’t give a damn

“You’re never gonna be

“As happy as a clam

“So I’m sitting in a hotel

“Trying to write a song

“My head is just as empty

“As the day is long

“Why it’s clear as a bell

“I should have gone to school

“I’d be wise as an owl

“Instead of stubborn as a mule”

— John Prine, “It’s a Big Old Goofy World“

Scott Miller covers Major League Baseball as a national columnist for Bleacher Report.

Follow Scott on Twitter and talk baseball.

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