Kuzul

They said you couldn’t parody “Blurred Lines” without skin suits. They said it couldn’t be done tastefully. And they were wrong.

After winning the NL East, the Atlanta Braves have plenty to celebrate—and their fans are doing it in style.

MyFoxAtlanta.com discovered this recently released gem from Atlanta comedian Aaron Chewning, who collaborated with former catcher Javy López and members of the Braves organization to create “Baselines,” a parody of Robin Thicke’s hit single “Blurred Lines.”

Put simply, it’s pretty great.

Image via @AaronChewning

Chewning, López and Homer (the mascot) get their suit and tie on and strut it out. They’ve got the Uptons and the Johnsons. They’ve also got members of the Braves’ Tomahawk Team, who do a bang-up job of prancing about and looking completely fine with all this weird stuff, as in the original Robin Thicke spot.

Image via @AaronChewning

Some of my personal favorites from the parody:

• “When you release the Kimbrel—HE’S GOT THE FASTEST PITCH IN THIS PLACE.”

• Tomahawk team girls winging a bat at Homer’s head.

• Anytime you get to see López strut backward through the frame.

Unlike the original video, it would appear no livestock was awkwardly cradled in the making of this parody, which I believe we can all agree is a big step forward for everyone.

Image via Vevo

So there you are. You have your rallying call and ballpark anthem for the rest of the postseason. The other good news is that your team won’t trade Justin Upton—not at this point in time at least.

At the trade deadline, the Braves turned down an offer from the Texas Rangers, who were looking to swap Matt Garza, Joe Nathan and David Murphy for the younger Upton. 

Be proud of your team, Braves fans. Just don’t slip and fall while dancing to this song in the shower.

What rhymes with Uggla? 

Follow @Dr__Carson

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

The Houston Astros dance roughly as well as they play baseball. 

Looming at 99 losses on the season, you can probably guess how these guys did on the dance floor. Of course, we are just giving MLB‘s answer to the Bad News Bears a hard time. 

As CSN Houston reports, five players competed in what was called Dancing with the ‘Stros, a charity event to help raise money for the Astros Foundation. 

While some of the players had some issues with moving rhythmically, they all seemed to have had a blast. You can see why this team is especially easy to root for in 2013. 

Now, the report states Dallas Keuchel beat out Jake Elmore, and that Jose Altuve fell to a controversial third place. Jarred Cosart and Trevor Crowe completed the five players who had what seems to be one epic dance off. 

We also like to point out that Altuve is always an optimist: “I have to be in the top five, easily.” The other important thing to note is the players had all of one hour to practice before getting up in front of people as they laughed and judged their dancing. 

You can see how smart that idea was as we watch Crowe attempt to slide under one of the dancers. His Willie May Hayes impression is easily the best part of the video. 

Hey, at least it wasn’t a slide into third during a crucial game. Still, he may want to work on that move a little more. 

Wacky shirts and bad dancing were enough to get the crowd smiling, but Elmore chimed in with what the night was really about: “Doing it for charity, that’s the number one thing, and getting people here and entertaining them. We had a good time.”

It would be easy to hang heads and mope in what is a very trying season. Sure, we give these guys a hard time, but it’s only because we care—and the dancing is that bad. 

Wins and losses are meaningless, because these guys are a fun team to watch as long as there is a dance floor involved. 

Hit me up on Twitter:

Follow @gabezal

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

Chelsey Desmond dove to the right, stabbed at a lazily hit ball and came up with the web gem of the week. 

The Big Lead spotted the following Instagram video, which features Ian Desmond‘s wife laying out to make a play during a charity game. 

Proper baseball protocol mandates we doff our cap in a show of respect. Please know that we are clapping from here and are also thoroughly enthralled as evidenced by this GIF.

GIF Credit: Giphy

As the report states, the play came during the Wounded Warriors charity softball game, which took place on Sunday right before the Washington Nationals handed the Phillies an 11-2 loss. 

This should just add to the good feelings taking over the Nationals clubhouse at the moment. Mired in a lackluster season, Washington is trying desperately to end on a high note. 

With a win early Tuesday, the team has won nine of its last 10. Unfortunately, it is still nine games back of the Braves but has closed the gap on the wild card to 4.5 games. 

That’s all missing the point, because this was about Desmond’s wife, who decided she should illustrate proper form on making an amazing grab for her husband. 

The 27-year-old certainly saw the grab and gave his wife some credit on Twitter. 

The Desmonds don’t mess around when it comes to fielding. Some say their household is where doubles and triples go to die. 

Now that concludes our coverage of MLB wives flashing some serious leather on the field. 

Hit me up on Twitter: 

Follow @gabezal

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

One day the Astros may very well be a slick-fielding, power-hitting machine that demands the attention of every Houston sports fan. 

This is not that day. 

Deadspin reports a surprising number of fans watched the Houston Astros drop their game on Saturday to the Los Angeles Angels, 6-2. 

However, we aren’t amazed at how many caught the game, rather the shocking part is how few Houston denizens flipped on the television to suffer through loss number 97 of 99. 

The Houston Chronicle reports depressing news in regard to the game’s local ratings. While the Houston Texans garnered a solid 24.8 Nielsen rating for KHOU, the Astros met far more meager ends. 

At the other end of the spectrum in the most literal sense of the phrase, the Astros on Saturday had a record low audience for their game against the Angels on CSN Houston. The game had a 0.04 Nielsen rating, which represents an average audience of about 915 households or about 1,000 viewers on average. The previous low was 0.05 for an Astros-Reds game on Sept. 9, 2012, on Fox Sports Houston, the team’s former carrier.

But hey, Sunday’s game pulled a whopping 0.1 rating, so champagne all around. 

The Astros are in the midst of a trying season in which they are rebuilding both their roster and their brand as an American League franchise. 

Through 2013, the team has posted a .243 batting average (25th in the majors), .302 on-base percentage (28th), 4.81 ERA (30th) and 1.50 WHIP (30th). 

The club now sits on 99 losses and will assuredly rocket past that century mark with the likes of the Indians and Rangers looming on the schedule. 

Still, the salt in the wound has to be knowing a WNBA game completely annihilated Saturday’s contest in the ratings.

Now, the 1,000 viewers is merely an average, but a follow-up report by Deadspin cites a source who reveals that, over the three-hour course of the game, a WNBA clash did far better than the Astros. 

According to a source with access to the detailed Nielsen figures, the Astros game drew a total of 48,800 households locally over the three-plus hour broadcast. A Sky-Lynx WNBA game on NBA TV, which went head-to-head with the Astros game for more than two hours, was viewed by a total of 49,800 households in the Houston market.

The Astros are now getting beat on the basketball court. 

Chin up, Astros fans. Watching a franchise rebuild is always a messy enterprise. The team will once again boast sluggers and an ace staff that will make summer viewing pleasurable. 

Until then, enjoy catching up on all the latest WNBA action. 

Hit me up on Twitter: 

Follow @gabezal

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

Holly Sonders managed to work on her short game prior to the Tampa Bay Rays game on Monday night. 

The Big Lead called this peculiar first pitch to our attention and even provided some behind-the-scenes photos as well. 

It seems the popular host of Morning Drive on Golf Channel was at Tropicana Field to throw out the first pitch, but she instead decided to go with what she knows. 

Right before the Rays took down the Rangers, 6-2, in the first of a crucial four-game series, Sonders pitched a baseball toward home to start the festivities. 

Judging by this tweet, she even gave some lessons to star pitcher David Price.

Nice action shot of @davidprice14 and I tearing up the turf tonight pic.twitter.com/98XiJUKCwZ

— Holly Sonders (@HollySondersGC) September 17, 2013

Now chipping a pitch toward home would be enough to keep us entertained for a moment, but this video is complete with another peculiar first pitch. 

At the 19-second mark, we get proof that the Rays were trying to fill the night with as much good luck as possible, because a couple of members of the renowned Radio City Rockettes show up to give us their interpretation of a relay throw home. 

You aren’t going to throw a runner out like that. 

Each dancer does their best impression of Bronson Arroyo and kicks their legs high into the air before floating the ball forward. 

All of this is to say that the Rays are certainly thinking outside the box when it comes to getting the games started. 

Seeing as how they took a near must-win from the Rangers, who are also vying for a playoff spot, we fully expect the first pitches to get wackier from here on out. 

Hit me up on Twitter: 

Follow @gabezal

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

Put simply, things got weird during Monday night’s matchup between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Texas Rangers. 

A man in tighty whities (who has since been outed as Florida native and YouTube [RossCreations] prankster Charles Ross) charged the field, attempted to steal second base and was tackled in a cloud of dirt—all while Dick Vitale watched in rapt attention, live-tweeting the action.

The field rusher was—wait a minute.

Let’s not gloss over that whole part where a legendary college basketball announcer provided the Internet with coverage of a half-naked man being mowed down by security at Tropicana Field.

Sitting in his usual seats by the third base dugout, the 74-year-old sportscaster looked on as a young man jumped down onto the field and attempted to pry out the second base pad.

Vitale‘s tweet about the occasion was spotted by RaysIndex.com—and yes, he reacted exactly how you’d imagine he would react.

Oh my God. You could spread that tweet on crackers. It’s awesome, baby.

Judging by the image in the tweet, Vitale grabbed one of the on-field photographers and demanded to see if he had any cool pictures of the field-rusher. It was a fine gesture, considering he likely knew broadcasters weren’t showing the streaker’s goodies to viewers at home (GIF courtesy of Rodger Sherman of SB Nation).

Luckily for us, images of the event have surfaced.

Here, the security guards appear to be forming some kind of tumbling stunt and/or human pyramid with Captain Tighty. 

As you can see, the man was arrested and escorted from the field. Also, notice the near total coverage of the body in dirt. This man didn’t skimp on the dry-rub with these chicken thighs.

A consummate newscaster, Vitale signed off from the strange night with a rundown of the box score.

The Rays might have won the game, but it feels like Dickie V and the Internet pulled out the “W” Monday night.

Join me on Twitter because it’s awesome, baby.

Follow @Dr__Carson

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

Resting comfortably next to religion and politics, what you put on your hot dog remains one of the most polarizing things anyone can discuss.

Sadly, we must have that discussion today, as word comes that the Detroit Tigers have dismissed their singing hot dog vendor because he chided fans who would dare put ketchup on their hot dog.

Tony Paul of the Detroit News (h/t For the Win) reports Charley Marcuse—a man known as the Singing Hot Dog Man because he, well, sings—has been fired.

Paul’s report states there is no specific cause given from concession vendor Sportservice, but he has sources who believe they know the reason:

There are rumblings the real reason was ketchup — or Marcuse’s disdain for it. Marcuse, at the ballpark and on Twitter, has been a strong crusader for only putting mustard on a frank. And some fans thought he got combative when they asked for ketchup. There were complaints filed.

Asked whether condiments actually were behind his dismissal, Marcuse was vague.

“It was general employee conduct,” he said, relaying the reason he was given. “I’ve vended the same way for the past 15 years, so there’s nothing new to any of this.”

To put a face to such villainy, we present a video of the hot dog man in action:

Full disclosure: I’m a big ketchup guy. I put it on my burgers, eggs, hot dogs, corn dogs and anything else I can think of that might make you mad.

Look, it’s 2013, and people are putting fries on burgers. It’s time to get off our high horses and accept that some people just like their dogs with ketchup. It’s amazing that in this day and age we can still be so intolerant to one another.

It makes me sad.

And really, the lot of you who hate mustard just end up looking like a grumpy Dirty Harry (video NSFW):

With that said, Marcuse does say he has been working in much the same manner for 15 years. As Ted Berg of For the Win notes, selling hot dogs during the summer is hardly the easiest job in the world. It’s hot, boring and monotonous, unless you think outside the box and bring some spice to the job.

Perhaps Marcuse gave fans a lighthearted hard time about asking for ketchup. There’s nothing wrong with that.

However, if he stepped across the line and made them feel like they couldn’t eat their collection of pig parts in tube form like a civilized human being, he should be taken to task.

As a brief aside to this story, we should warn that it’s never a good look to have two shticks. You can be the singing guy or the mustard curmudgeon, but not both.

Fine, I will listen to you regale us with an operatic “Hot dog!” but then I want my overpriced hot dog and extra packets of ketchup, and I want them now.

When it’s all said and done, we are all just people. Some of us put ketchup on hot dogs, and some of us eat our candy bars with a fork and knife.

At some point, we just have to accept and move on. Only then can we concentrate on things that truly matter, like figuring out why everyone freaks out over beach balls at baseball games.

Hit me up on Twitter:

Follow @gabezal

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

If you love someone, set him or her free. At least, that’s how the New York Mets might spin Tuesday’s Marlon Byrd T-shirt giveaway in light of their trade of the outfielder to the Pittsburgh Pirates. 

Rumors of Byrd being dealt spread throughout the Internet on Monday and spawned this tweet from Mets correspondent Andrew Harts: 

Yes, that would be awkward, and yes, the Mets traded the 35-year-old on Tuesday. 

ESPN reports the Mets sent Byrd as well as catcher John Buck to the Pirates, who are currently in a close race with the Cardinals for control of the NL Central, for infield prospect Dilson Herrera and a player to be named later.

The Pirates get depth and the Mets get some rather befuddled fans walking through their turnstiles. Really, you have to love the wings on the Byrd T-shirt. Sure, it’s an allusion to his name, but it’s all the more fitting as the downtrodden team lets their precious Byrd fly free, off to a playoff contender. 

Some of you Blue Jays fans might recall the abrupt end to Frank Thomas’ tenure in Toronto, just a month before the team was going to hold a bobblehead night for him, via TSN. 

This particular trade is a double whammy of sorts, because it comes just a day after Buck was caught on television consoling New York’s injured star, which must have brought a little warmth to the hearts of Mets fans. 

On Monday, the Mets announced star pitcher Matt Harvey was diagnosed with a partial tear in his pitching arm ulnar collateral ligament. As ESPN notes, the injury will likely end his season and could possibly keep him out the entirety of 2014. 

Which led to the moment shown below: 

It was a truly beautiful and poignant moment between friends dealing with a frustrating season. Yeah, both are gone now—one to the DL and the other to Pittsburgh. 

Hey, but the Mets have some nifty T-shirts to hand out Tuesday. I really hope they go through with the giveaway, because Mets fans need a laugh right now. 

Hit me up on Twitter: 

Follow @gabezal

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

With a tear in his elbow and a long gaze lost on the game before him, Matt Harvey received a much-needed hug from battery mate and friend John Buck. 

Next Impulse Sports happened upon this video reminding us that baseball giveth and it can most certainly taketh away. 

One minute Harvey is the king of New York, dazzling fans and befuddling batters during a superb season that had him in the discussion for a Cy Young award. 

The next, the 24-year-old is faced with a partial tear in his ulnar collateral ligament in his pitching elbow, likely bringing an end to his season, via ESPN. 

These are the time you just need a hug. 

The Mets are 58-71 and 19.5 games behind the Atlanta Braves after dropping Monday’s game to the Phillies. Really, there is nothing more to play for this season. 

That hardly extinguishes the passion to pitch that no doubt fuels Harvey, who will now hit the disabled list. 

As ESPN reports, Harvey is hoping to strengthen the area around the tear, but it might be more likely that Tommy John surgery and a presumed 12-month recovery are in the young pitcher’s future. 

For those of us who watched this kid put together a spectacular season wherein he garnered nine wins, 191 strikeouts and a 0.93 WHIP, we are now reminded of the obvious notion that Harvey is human despite some of his superhuman feats. 

Perhaps Bleacher Report’s Zachary Rymer said it best when he tweeted what we were all thinking.

Can’t Matt Harvey just, I don’t know, regenerate or something?

— Zachary D. Rymer (@zachrymer) August 26, 2013

Sadly, no. 

Harvey is just some dude, and we are all prone to getting injured. Harvey will be back and hopefully just as good as when he left. 

Still, the fact that he has to hit the DL, well, stinks. Good thing there are guys like Buck around to lend a shoulder. 

This season has been anything but pretty for the Mets, but it was certainly beautiful in the dugout on Monday night. 

Hit me up on Twitter: 

Follow @gabezal

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com

The New York Yankees’ Mariano Rivera is savoring every last stop amid his MLB farewell tour. His latest visit brings him to Tropicana Field where he was greeted by a beautiful sand sculpture in his honor. 

MLB.com’s Bryan Hoch delivers a couple of tweets that show off the sand homage to Rivera and his walk-up music, Metallica’s “Enter Sandman.”

Not quite sure that is a perfect resemblance for Rivera, but that would be picking nits, because this is an awesome gift for one of the league’s most well liked athletes. 

And really, the smile on Rivera’s face should say it all. 

As we have seen, Rivera has received gifts at most of the stadiums that he passes through on what is his final season in the majors. 

After more than 18 years and what is currently 645 saves, Rivera is calling it a career. Soon we will see him run to the mound in the ninth for the last time, the sweet sound of Metallica blaring in the background. 

At least for one season, we are all Rivera fans. Sports Illustrated has a nice breakdown of the various gifts Rivera has received so far. 

The San Diego Padres gave him a tricked-out beach cruiser, the Dodgers gave him a fishing rod along with $10,000 for his foundation. 

Of course, the best was the Twins’ gift of a rocking chair made of broken bats, via the New York Daily News. 

That cutter is where good bats went to die after all. 

This is just the latest example of what the league thinks of the Yankees star closer—a classy guy who has fans and organizations going above and beyond to send him off in style. 

Hit me up on Twitter: 

Follow @gabezal

Read more MLB news on BleacherReport.com