Kuzul

For years and years, and it seems like decades that we’ve been playing a 6 inning game in a 9 inning battle (take out SS, C, & Pitcher –all batting below .230). First all, for those following the Astros, in between Miguel Tejada and Ricky Guiterrez, we’ve had a disaster at SS. Do you want a 300 +20hr guy at SS? No need to answer that. We’re all tired of a slick fielding SS that can’t hit; you can pick them up on any waiver wire or minor league systems, including your own. Manzella, trial is still out on him, looks like he maybe a grade above of Everette in batting or maybe not. I’m not taking my chances. I will take Sanchez’s batting average any day. As long as the guy can hit 270+ avg & plays good defense, I’m good. Wait..wait..’that SS defense can save you runs!’ True, Tim Bogar.Would you take a number 7 / 8 slot hitter with great defense or a 2 slot hitter with average and good defense? Especially for a team have been notoriously known to not provide runs for their pitchers. Should we flip a coin?..It’s a two-way street for production, to help out your team in every aspect of the game as much as you can.

Same lack of offensive production with the catcher situation. Humberto Quintero, who has proven to be an active defensive catcher that brings his value up..but don’t stick and settle for a Brad Ausmus clone. Don’t give the ‘he’s good at calling games!?!’ Really? We’re in the majors and we want someone that will put up batting average; not asking for G. Soto (Cubs) power. As if we haven’t notice in this era, it’s a plus to have a 8 position players that can get on base. Just get on base with a 270’s avg or so. J. Castro….sure strikes-out a lot! He’s on trial for potential, we are all waiting for him just to hit for average. Castro potentially can bring us to another lever if he can hit. Can’t ask too much of him right now, but we want to from a 1st rounder. Who wouldn’t right?

Who’s dogging J.Mike? Age is an easy excuse for not understanding. So what’s he’s having not so great 2nd half, tons of star players have that dilemma year in and year out. But Age..age..give me a break. He can hit with power with some clutch and not be in the 220s, be grateful for a pinch hitter.

Bourn is a true defensive miracle that we really really like…need…like him to hit at least 270-280. I’m going to start counting how many super fast center fielders that we’ve had that can steal bases at will and track down fly balls like a hawk, but can seem to get on base for the life of them. Start with Gerald Young, if you like.

Biggest upgrade problem goes to Espn’s LVP, Carlos Lee. The Manny Ramirez jog to 1st, right? Is he truely a Least Value Player? Hands down for the first half, but not the second half. He’s got clutch, more than I can say about Berkman (super streaky & liability with southpaws). Put him at first and get an OF or get a 1B? Will Lee go cloak and dagger next season with the 1st half again & carry that to the 2nd half too? Will B.Wallace develop soon? There you have it, offensive upgrade tweeking indeed needed.

Remember Pence and L.Scott was tearing up the league in their first full extensive season? Then they came down because they’re not the Tony Gwyn batting average type of player. Chris Johnson is having that type of season. Finally, a 3B that can start and can hit for power with some average. Sophomore stinkers coming up? I just don’t know, but I’m enjoying his production right now. Can he hit 280 or 290 with +20 hrs and maybe sneak up in +100 RBIs? Depends on adjustments of the league and him improving.

Even without the Great O (he deserves where’s he’s going to this year, Amen), This is the best I’ve felt of the pitching staff coming somewhere near the consistency of the ’05 season (Roger, Andy, Roy & scraps).

Paulino looks promising breaking out of the 5 inning barrier of last year where he complete implodes. At least TBD right now after injury. Norris finally putting his zips into keeping the game to winnable situations. We all know he can strikeout the side. Paulino and Norris can easily put up back to back 10k days. Myer’s..getting in age right??? He’s been a miracle man striking out lots and lots of folks; finally living up to the potential? Up in age right? Who cares! Keep it up Myers, I was wrong about you at the beginning. Wandy‘s got the second half magic…wait we have potentially 4 guys that can maybe average a strikeout an inning? Impressive! Wait, did we forget JA Happ, he’s no Roy, but we’re expecting him to be, can he be?…I don’t know, but he looks good enough to be excited over.

Figga who? Figga what? Figueroa, a pleasant upgrade from the inconsistent Moehler. Good to know that we’re not a rehab center for a needle in a haystack for next year’s ‘what might he do next year with his pitching?’ Bullpen may need more work…hmmm. Who knows how these rookies are going to do or how long they are going to last next year..looks a little over worked to me. Lindstrom and Lyons are doing an exceptional job in the close out department. No, Valverde or Wagner, yet if we do get a superstar closer, our bullpen will look lock-down ready. Can we get that superstar closer to show up or drop in? Or should we concentrate on the Lee/contract/true prototype Josh Hamilton / Joey Votto / Pujols type of a cleanup hitter addition or replacement? Overall, we have great potential at pitching front end and back end.

Hunter’s lodge. Pence is really coming to his own in becoming a clutch hitter, but to ask him to be SF’s Will Clark & Keith Mitchell and/or Matt Williams that brings chills down a starting pitcher? Nope. Can he be? We like to and want him to…as of right now? No way. We can’t ask that of him or expect him to be. As of right now, he looks like an ideal guy that can be a great asset to lineup with true & consistent 4 and 5 hitters. This again leads to the Lee 1B experiment.

Question is, if somehow you get rid of Lee’s contract, who can hands down replace that power and clutch? Can we add some else with him? Can a realistic deal be done to replace him and his contract? If so, are we ready for a two or three year of searching, testing, and finding that elusive elite clean up hitter? Can it be Wallace? C. Johnson? Pence?

Can we survive off of the 2nd half power surge of Pence, Lee, and Johnson? Maybe, but don’t rely on power alone to win games.

2011 looks like we’re able to compete. To put on paper as a postseason threat to win? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. That remains to be seen with trades and development of maybe players.

Remember, going into last year and this year, we had the seventh highest payroll with $107 mil and ++$90 mil or so. Now, we’re looking at $70 mil payroll including the eating up Berkman’s and Oswalt’s contract. If we play it cheap, then we wait til after the 2012 season assuming their contract does get picked up by their current team. Or should we get up into the $100 mil to get that TRUE Elite Superstar? Whatever you do, don’t trade half of our farm system again for picking up declining stars such as Lee &Tejada or junk quick fixes as Matzsui & Feliz. Let’s not make that same mistake, please don’t. We’re not in the mood to hear..’making the team more competitive’, Cecil Cooper. We want the later, TRUE Elite Superstar now..but is Drayton going to sit & play with… ‘A bunch of these guys are eligible for arbitration and new contracts’. Isn’t that what the GM is for? Wheel and deal this time again…Mr-I-Have-My-Own-Award, GM (google Ed Wade Award).

Simple formula, not solution to winning it all, yet effective.

Elite Superstar Hitter = Higher Percentage of Clutch Game Deciding Hits = Higher Fan Expectation & Interest = Higher Ticket Sales + Higher Jersey/Product Sales = Higher Revenue.

Was that so hard to figure out? We’re in a position to financially make that commitment with our strong push..it won’t guarantee a World Series, but give a boost in the attendance bubble where Drayton has been hurting all season long. AKA, it shows the owner is really listening to the fans’ demand for excellence, oh…we’re also speaking for whole team too. We know what happens when non superstar speak up.

Will Ed push that confidence into Drayton and can he pull it off? It’s not just a team effort, it’s an organization effort.

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Over the many years of player comparison and analysis, our understanding of what it means to be a great baseball player has continually evolved.

Along with that, we have also formed a better comprehension of the concept of a “bad” player.

There was a time when we would assess shortstops, catchers, and center fielders based merely on their offensive contributions, a practice we now understand to be shockingly limited. If ballplayers are to be judged, they must be judged for all of their contributions, both their hitting and their defense.

With this in mind, we take a look at the 20 worst players of the 2010 baseball season, guys who just kill their team in all facets of the game.

Begin Slideshow

The Houston Astros embark upon another home-stand when they begin a four-game series with the New York Mets tonight at 7:05 p.m. CST at Minute Maid Park.

Houston, entering the contest after a three-game sweep over the Pittsburgh Pirates, will be facing a Mets team that has lost two in a row.

Lefty Wandy Rodriguez will be taking the mound for the Astros in tonight’s game, while New York’s Jonathon Niese will be the southpaw on the hill for the Mets.

New York, however, is just one game under .500 (58-59) while Houston remains 14 games below that mark (51-65).

But the Astros are aiming to build upon their recent success at home, as the team hopes to continue a successful climb up the NL Central ladder.

And I’m really enjoying the youth and enthusiasm on this current Astros team, regardless of the club’s overall record, with “veterans” like Geoff Blum, Hunter Pence, and Michael Bourn taking active roles both on the field and in the clubhouse.

In addition, I was recently interviewed by the Mets Gazette in regards to the Astros upcoming series with the Mets.

Below is a transcript of the questions asked and my responses:

Mets Gazette: What is the biggest story of your team this year?

Denton Ramsey: The biggest story for the Astros this season has to be, by far, the trades of longtime Houston players Lance Berkman and Roy Oswalt. The true results of this trade will take time, and very well may end up working out in the Astros favor if the young talent they received in return pans out in the majors. But losing Berkman (Yankees) and Oswalt (Phillies) has been the biggest story this season for the Astros.

Mets Gazette: Who has been your best player so far?

Denton Ramsey: The best player on the Astros this year has probably been Jeff Keppinger, Houston’s second baseman. With 107 games and counting under his belt, the 30-year-old infielder is batting .286 this season with 28 doubles, five home runs, and 46 RBI.

Mets Gazette: What or who has been your biggest disappointment or worst player?

Denton Ramsey: Houston’s biggest disappointment this season is most likely Carlos Lee. The veteran power-hitting outfielder has had quite a down season, and is currently batting just. 247 with only 15 home runs (through 111 games).

Mets Gazette: What are your team’s strengths and weaknesses currently?

Denton Ramsey: The Astros current strengths are youth and speed, although one could also easily argue that “youth” could be a weakness. But so far for Houston, “youth” appears to be working.

And the team has always had speed: Including the lightening-quick Michal Bourn and the always hustling Hunter Pence (not to mention some of the up-and-coming rookies on the Astros current roster).

Houston’s biggest weaknesses, meanwhile, revolve around two things: clutch hitting and starting pitching. The Astros need a solid rotation, and this season has been anything but that—especially after the trade of Oswalt—as this year has turned into a testing period of what’s to come in terms of Houston’s rotation.

Clutch hitting, meanwhile, has been a problem for most of the season for the Astros; and that will only get better with practice, patience, and persistence. But the team appears to be heading in the right direction, regardless of the club’s overall record of 51-65.

Mets Gazette: Your thoughts on the Mets and expectations for this series?

Denton Ramsey: The New York Mets enter the start of today’s four-game series with the Houston Astros (51-65) just one game under .500 at 58-59. But the Mets have also lost two games in a row, while the Astros enter this evening’s contest having won three straight in a recent home sweep over the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Tonight’s tentative matchup has a pair of southpaws facing one another when New York’s Jonathon Niese battles Houston’s Wandy Rodriguez.

As far as expectations for this upcoming series at Minute Maid Park, I believe the Astros will be happy with a spit of the series, although there is no doubt they are looking to build upon a three-game sweep and would love nothing more than to add another sweep to their bags.

In the same breath, the Mets could use this time in Houston to bounce back—and over the .500 mark—as New York is currently 10 games out of first place in the National League East.

*****

Denton Ramsey may be reached via email at denton.ramsey@gmail.com

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We all know that there are certain players who have struggled through the first half of the season. We also know that there are players who notoriously produce better in the second half. Here are five hitters that other owners in your league may be ready to give up on, yet could produce plenty of value in the second half (all stats are through Sunday):

Mark Teixeira – New York Yankees
He’s always been a slow starter, though 2010 has been an extreme case. Still, just looking at his second half numbers from the past few seasons gives us an idea of what he can do:

• 2006 – .291, 24 HR, 61 RBI, 51 R
• 2007 – .309, 18 HR, 64 RBI, 45 R
• 2008 – .366, 16 HR, 52 RBI, 48 R
• 2009 – .313, 18 HR, 59 RBI, 47 R

There are a lot of numbers that we can also point to that indicate an improvement should be coming.  First is his BABIP, which is currently at .258. Considering that his career low is .288, which came in his rookie year of 2003, you have to believe that a resurgence is going to come sooner or later.

Second is his HR/FB, which is also at a career low (11.9 percent). He’s never had a mark below 17.8 percent, and he plays in a park that proved to be a hitters haven in 2009. It’s certainly easy to imagine him still surpassing 30 (he’s currently at 13) by year’s end.

While he’s not likely to live up to the first round expectations, you have to know that Teixeira has a hot streak in him. He’s started showing signs, so now may be your last chance to get him at a discount. If someone in your league is fed up with him, he’s well worth the acquisition.

Nick Markakis – Baltimore Orioles

To say that he’s been a major disappointment is an understatement, despite the solid average. He’s currently hitting .307 with four HR, 27 RBI, and 34 R. So yet again, he has failed to take that next step forward in his progression. Then again, considering he was likely taken as a number two outfielder, he has just failed to produce…period.

There’s nothing in the numbers to make us think that he can’t turn things around. His fly ball rate is down from last season, but right along his career mark (36.2 percent in ‘10 vs. 35.5 percent for his career). His HR/FB, which was over 11.5 percent from 2006-2008, is at just 4.3 percent this season.

He does continue to rip doubles, at 25 for the season, putting him just one behind the leaders (Marlon Byrd & Jayson Werth each have 26).  Sooner or later, some of those balls are going to find their way over the fence. Last season he hit 10 HR in the second half and is not far removed from a 14 HR second half in 2007.

He has been hurt by the absence of Brian Roberts, but if he keeps hitting (which he easily could), the RBI and R will come with it. Couple that with increased power and you certainly have the potential to get a steal. Considering where he was drafted and what you may have to give up to get him, he’s a great buy right now.

Adam Lind – Toronto Blue Jays

It is beginning to look like last season’s 35 HR was a bit of an aberration. All you have to do is look at his HR/FB for the past four seasons to get that indication:

• 2007 – 13.3 percent
• 2008 – 11.0 percent
• 2009 – 19.8 percent
• 2010 – 10.6 percent

Even if he could just get things back to the 2007 mark, there’s reason for optimism, especially when you throw in his BABIP. He’s had terrible luck (.245), and also has been striking out a tremendous amount (27.5 percent).

If he can reduce the strikeouts (he was at 18.1 percent in ‘08 and 18.7 percent in ‘09) and see improved luck, the average will come around. It’s possible he’s trying to hit home runs after his breakout, as his fly ball rate has gone from 36.8 percent to 42.3 percent. Still, it’s hard to believe that it will be a completely lost season.

Now is your opportunity to get him for pennies on the dollar (I actually saw him on the waiver wire of a five outfielder format last week) and given what he did in ‘09, he’s certainly worth the risk.

Matt Wieters – Baltimore Orioles
I’ve discussed him before, but it bears repeating. We have all heard about his potential, but he has not quite shown it yet. His home run per fly ball rate is under 10.0 percent (currently at 8.2 percent). His BABIP is below average, at .283.

Granted, he hasn’t hit many extra base hits (nine doubles and six home runs), but this is still his first full season. He’s now had over 600 total at bats, so it is certainly possible that something clicks in the second half.

Given the lack of depth at the position, he’s certainly worth the gamble.

Carlos Lee – Houston Astros

He’s hit .300 each of the last four seasons and has a career .288 average. Yet, we are supposed to believe he’s a .232 hitter in 2010?

Fat chance. He’s had some terrible luck, with a .232 BABIP. He also just hasn’t had the same type of power, with a HR/FB of 7.9 percent vs. a career mark of 13.0 percent.

Playing in that ballpark, there’s no chance that either of those things continue. Just look at his second half marks from the past few seasons:

• 2007 – .311, 16 HR, 46 RBI, 45 R
• 2008 – .372, 7 HR, 24 RBI, 15 R (in just 78 AB)
• 2009 – .291, 13 HR, 53 RBI, 30 R

While he’s not a notorious slow starter, there’s little question about his bat. If you need runs scored, he’s not the answer. However, if you are looking for some power in the second half, he’s well worth the gamble.

What are your thoughts on these five players? Would you try to buy low on any of them?  Who else are you targeting in your leagues?

Make sure to check out our recent Scouting Reports:

• Brett Cecil
• Wade Davis
• David DeJesus
• Jason Donald
• John Ely
• Brett Gardner
• John Jaso
• Brad Lincoln
• Jonathan Lucroy
• Kris Medlen
• Jonathan Niese
• Andrew Oliver
• Manny Parra
• Jake Peavy
• Sean Rodriguez
• Mike Stanton
• Andres Torres

THIS ARTICLE IS ALSO FEATURED ON WWW.ROTOPROFESSOR.COM

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Amazingly, the Houston Astros have turned pitiful late game plays into incredible ninth inning heroics.

Those same Astros were at it again on Thursday afternoon at Minute Maid Park, battling the bewildered Washington Nationals and walking off the field with a come-from-behind 6-4 victory.

First, Astros closer Matt Lindstrom blew the save for Houston after taking a 3-2 lead into the top of the ninth—only to find himself and his team down 4-3 heading into the bottom of the frame.

That’s when the real magic began.

The game really should have concluded on a game-ending catch in the outfield, but instead resulted in a tie game at 4-4 as Lance Berkman trotted to second base and Michael Bourn easily scored to deadlock the match-up with two outs.

Shortly thereafter, Carlos Lee made up for his momentary lapse of reason in left field to begin the inning—belting a walk-off two-run home run to the Crawford Boxes to give the Astros three wins out of four against the reeling Nationals.

However, regardless of the team’s good fortunes as of late—the Astros are still near the MLB cellar at 20-34.

Is there still time to make a run? Mathematically, yes.

But realistically, Houston needs to begin building towards the future.

Unfortunately, that means saying goodbye to legends and heroes such as ace Roy Oswalt and longtime Astro Lance Berkman.

Will Houston fans see both All-Star athletes dealt away before season’s end?

Only time will tell, but one thing is certain right now. The Astros aren’t going to be doing much of anything this season beyond moral victories and scouting out future talent in their farm systems.

Thankfully, the MLB Draft is right around the corner. And Houston has five of the first 90 picks.

Let’s raise a pint of Shiner Bock to the future of Astros baseball…

Denton Ramsey may be reached via email at denton.ramsey@gmail.com

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As of late, Houston Astros’ ace pitcher, Roy Oswalt, has publicly made it clear that he wants out. It seems clear that Houston and Oswalt have no future of succeeding in the 2010 campaign. 

According to ESPN’s Buster Olney, via twitter, that “Roy Oswalt wants to be traded to a contender, a la Roy Halladay”

It is unclear if that Houston is willing to trade Oswalt or even if they want to become sellers this early on in the season. Well, I’ll take my chances that the Astros are not going anywhere special this year. 

The Astros are currently in last place in the NL Central behind the free-falling Milwaukee Brewers and the surprising Pittsburgh Pirates. To me, Houston will definitely be a seller this year, it’s just a matter of who they want to trade away or who they believe can be a core player in up-coming years.

The three big name players that come to mind when you think of Houston is: Lance Berkman, Carlos Lee, and Roy Oswalt. Out of those three players, one of them seems to have little to none trade value; Carlos Lee. But, the others, Oswalt and Berkman, could both be great fits for playoff contenders this season. 

Where could Oswalt land? That’s the major question in the “Oswalt Sweepstakes”. The two teams that I can come up with right off the top of my head are the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, no surprise. But here’s the surprise, Oswalt going to the Bronx or Yawkey Way will probably not happen. Both teams probably aren’t willing to spend the big dough and to cough up major prospects for Oswalt, and on top of that, they’re pitching rotations both respectful seem to be O.K.

So who are the true contenders this early in the game? Possibly the New York Mets, Tampa Bay Rays, and the Texas Rangers.

The one team that surprises me are the Rays. If they could acquire Oswalt, I truly believe that would put the Rays over the top in the AL East. But with the Mets and the Rangers? Oswalt’s presence would be crucial to each teams’ pitching staff in making a playoff run. 

But, let’s face it: Rumors are rumors. All the matters in trading big name players from a “selling franchise” is who can cough up the best prospects. It’s unclear right now if Houston is willing to part ways with the 2005 NLCS MVP, but if they do, they are in the running of acquiring some quality young talent to bolster their farm system. 

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It’s official. After a 1-0 loss to the Oakland A’s, the Giants should be in panic mode when it comes to upgrading the offense. Aaron Rowand isn’t cutting it at leadoff (though this isn’t exactly “surprising” news) and for whatever reason, Pablo Sandoval has suddenly transformed from budding-Vlad Guerrero to budding-Randall Simon. Add that with Bengie Molina starting to cool off and things don’t look good for the Giants and their playoff aspirations.

That being said, despite the Giants desperate (and I mean, “Elizabeth Berkley needing an actress role” desperate) need for offense, they should pass on the following five players who are available and could come at low-cost, but are too much of a risk to acquire.

(Note: to see the original article, check it out at http://remember51.blogspot.com/)

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The Houston Astros are just five years removed from their lone World Series berth.

From their inception in 1962 as the Houston Colt .45’s, the Astros have achieved little in terms of establishing an identity as a storied franchise. Whether to due with lack of superstar power or rare postseason success, the Astros have at times been a team on the cusp of success only to falter the following year.

After clinching the National League Wild Card with an 89-73 record in the 2005 season, they defeated two of Major League Baseball’s winningest franchises in recent memory, the Atlanta Braves and the St. Louis Cardinals, to complete their improbable trip to their first-ever World Series.

Although they were swept by the World Series Champion Chicago White Sox, many expected the Astros to possibly become a contender in the National League.

However, after four years of alternating winning and losing seasons, the Astros proved to be inconsistent and missing one or two key players that could change the complexion of the franchise.

Flash forward to this season, the Astros boast a National League worst 15-27 record and already 9 ½ games behind the division-leading Cardinals.

So what is wrong with the Houston Astros?

With the retirement of Jeff Bagwell in 2005 and of Craig Biggio in 2007, the Astros definitely lost two of the best pure players in team history.

But that is where the problems only begin.

During the first 40 games of this season, the Astros have been unable to produce on the offensive end, averaging less than three runs per game. The Astros are also ranked either last or second-to-last in every major offensive category. Due to lack of run support, the pitching is also of tremendous importance.

Houston’s rotation of Roy Oswalt, Brett Myers, Wandy Rodriguez, Felipe Paulino, and Bud Norris are having to limit opposing teams’ offensive output as much as possible, to help keep them in games.

SP Roy Oswalt, despite having a 2.66 ERA, only has a 2-6 record to show for it, in large part to lack of offense. This may be the biggest reason as to why Houston’s starting ace wants a trade.

If the Astros could perhaps get some young talent, they may begin building for the future. However, if an Oswalt trade is in the works, this essentially eliminates any chance of Houston contending for the playoffs.

Their offensive woes could be in large part to the inconsistent play of LF Carlos Lee and 3B Pedro Feliz. Even though they have showed flashes of their offensive prowess, it has been only on occasion.

They were brought to Houston, in 2007 and 2010 respectively, to help boost the hitting and scoring of the Astros, something that has not worked in Houston’s favor.

If Houston does want to build for the future, now is the time, as they have key players that would generate interest, as well as provide value, from other teams. Lee, Roy Oswalt, and perhaps, even, Lance Berkman could all be on the move during this season.

The team could start rebuilding around Hunter Pence and Michael Bourn, and start to develop young players. Prospects, as well as trading for young role players, could form a strong nucleus that could bring the Astros back into contention as soon as next season.

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Kaz Matsui’s time with the Houston Astros is officially in the books. We are left to wonder his options. Perhaps he will join fellow Japanese export Ichiro Suzuki in Seattle, or maybe he’ll head back to Japan and play for the Yomiyuri Giants, the Chunichi Dragons, Yakult Swallows or the Nagasaki Yakuza.

With that, we are left to wonder who will be next to be issued their walking papers with the Astros…

Begin Slideshow

Steve Austin, astronaut: a man barely alive. . . We can rebuild him. We can make him better than he was before: better, stronger, faster.

Those classic words, which opened each episode of ABC’s The Six Million Dollar Man in the 1970s, now apply to the Houston Astros: The Astros are barely alive, and it’s time to rebuild.

Dear Drayton McLane and Ed Wade: Let’s have a fire sale!

The newspaper ad for the sale could look something like this:

Proven MLB studs available NOW! Looking for young prospects in return. All positions needed. Serious inquiries only.

Stud #1: Roy Oswalt

Ten-year veteran, three-time All-Star, lifetime 139-75 record with a 3.21 ERA. Hey there, Toronto Blue Jays, Detroit Tigers, and Texas Rangers, interested? Anyone else out there need a big-time starting pitcher?

Stud #2: Lance Berkman

Twelve-year vet, five-time All-Star, lifetime .298 hitter with 317 HRs and 1,054 RBI—an average of 33 HRs and 111 RBI per 162 games. Switch-hitter, good first baseman. Nice fit for you, San Francisco Giants.

Stud #3: Carlos Lee

Twelve-year vet, three-time All-Star, very similar to Lance Berkman: career .289 hitter, 312 HRs, and 1,119 RBI—averaging 30 HRs and 108 RBI per 162 games. Perfect DH material. Hey, Chicago White Sox and Oakland A’s, we know Carlos is off to a slow start this season, but this guy could help you.

Stud #4: Felipe Paulino

Starting pitcher, only 26 years old, three years of MLB experience. Lifetime 5-18 record with a 6.11 ERA. Great potential!

Wait a minute, I’m not sure Felipe Paulino is a stud. Who snuck him into this ad?

Sorry, folks, but Kaz Matsui is no longer available in our fire sale. An astute early buyer, a homeless man from Dallas, got a killer deal on Kaz yesterday: free of charge!

Enough kidding around. At 14-26, the Astros are tied with the Seattle Mariners for the second-worst record in baseball. I think it’s time to consider burning down the Astros’ house and starting afresh. And I don’t mean Minute Maid Park.

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