Kuzul

It’s a sad day in baseball when humorists cannot find anything to chuckle about during Red Sox spring training. There is no laughing in baseball this season.

This year’s team is a sober group, unwilling to crack a joke along with the crack of their bats. Their breakfast is the cereal of champions.

Gone are the happy-go-lucky spring training camps where Manny was a week or two late, and Adrian Beltre and his noggin-rubbing of yore has become the stuff of folklore. Beckett’s unfortunate rendezvous with a baseball proved about as funny as a migraine.

A few years ago, the overgrown boys of summer were a bunch of idiots, but no longer. Nowadays, David Ortiz is focused, wary of any poor start that comes with Opening Day.  Why, even Jonathan Papelbon seems downright dull.

Controversies are at a premium. Oh, you can find Dustin Pedroia slipping out during a game to buy a few hot dogs, but that is nothing to relish.

Theo Epstein has pushed the mute button. He has nothing bad to say about anything, and even sits a few seats away from Brian Cashman in the stands, minding his own business.

Terry Francona’s press conferences are like chatting with people waiting in the checkout line at Wal-mart.

The crowds at the parks are at capacity. Fewer are texting or tweeting. It’s too pleasant sitting at Grapefruit League ballparks that resemble the bandboxes of 19th-century baseball.

The players who once offered us an opportunity to sharpen our rapier wit are now hard-working Puritans. Jason Varitek seems ready for this swan song with dignity. Jacoby Ellsbury never ribs us, and Carl Crawford is the poster boy for sports technology.

Adrian Gonzalez wants only to play at top capacity (like that other San Diego phenomenon who took the breath away from Boston fans), but Adrian is polite, kind-hearted, and pleasant, not like Teddy Ballgame of the temperamental mood. Don’t expect tantrums, curses or gestures.

What are we to make of a Boston team that offers no chance for irony, slapstick or farce? 

In the parlance of champions everywhere, the Red Sox this spring are a humorless juggernaut. The only smiles we will see during the forthcoming season will emerge strictly from satisfaction with a victory. And, that is no laughing matter. 

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With the alleged ghostly spirits that live at the 99-year-old Fenway Park, ghost-seeking fans may have plenty to spook them late in the night. Bumps in the Monster seats may be more scary when the Sox are on the road.

According to Baseball Hauntings by Mickey Bradley and Dan Gordon, there is a bit of action at Fenway Park. Among the alleged spirits to be found there on off-nights when the Sox are on road trips are the late announcer Sherm Feller and owner Tom Yawkey. 

Wouldn’t Ted Williams be there? Always mercilessly booed by fans at Fenway, might Babe Ruth relocate to Fenway now that old Yankee Stadium is gone?  And, what about Tony Conigliaro, whose career started there with a home run and, in reality, ended there with a beanball to the face? He roamed the outfield with his brother Billy for 1969 and 1970. Benighted Tony C passed away at age 45 almost 30 years ago.

Night guards report hearing something akin to fans shouting down at players. In fact, fans have secretly and illegally had their ashes dispersed at the Park.  It is against all regulations and will be stopped by security guards. There are enough haunted memories at Fenway already.

Hey, Zak, Jayson, Nick, Grant: We need you!

Spirits and ghosts often become upset and more active when renovations and construction take place at their abode. If that’s the case, then wandering specters at Fenway must have their heads in their hands.

From the Monster seats atop the 37-foot wall, to café-style tables on the right field roof, Fenway Park has changed plenty in recent years. How are the old ghosts taking it? Night workers report they hear the crack of the bat as if a ball were being hit off the wall.

Two rivals ghost shows appear on television regularly, and they could remove our fears. As an occasional fan of old dead things, I learned neither ghost-busting team has ever visited Fenway Park to do some debunking.

The Travel Channel features Ghost Adventures, with Zak and Nick, with headquarters in Las Vegas. The SyFy Channel features Ghost Hunters, with Jayson and Grant, headquarters in Warwick, Rhode Island.

Ghost Hunters has a slight edge in the contest. They went to Cooperstown in 2010 and visited the Baseball Hall of Fame to try their luck with resident haunters. Yet, as close as they are, the Retro-Rooters have never made a trip up to Boston—so far.

With majestic Fenway about to turn 100 years old, time may be at hand to put an end to speculation. Curses may have been exorcised by winning two World Series championships in this decade, but are the old ghosts still part of the environs? We need verification.

So, this call now goes out to the two teams of paranormal researchers. Let’s see what you can debunk at Fenway, Grant and Jason! Let’s see what you uncover at the shadow of the Green Monster, Zak and Nick!

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Bobbleheads, t-shirts and refrigerator magnets.

Oh, my!

One of the pleasures a fan of a lousy team has to look forward to every season are the cool promotions that sucker you in to handing over a hundred bucks you may not have otherwise.

I’ve become an expert at this in recent years rooting on the Mariners, unfortunately. I have more dolls than any 31 year old man should, thanks to the annual Ichiro bobbles. Though, they’re sucking me in again this season.

This year’s edition includes a hit counter so we can follow him on his quest to 200 a season and 3000 overall.

I got to thinking, naturally, because that’s what this stuff does to me: what promotions would us fans who like a good old chuckle line up for, even though our favorite team would never do it?

This list is the byproduct of that thinking. I apologize in advance.

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How many kids will attend opening day game at Fenway Park for their first experience of a major league park? It could be 1,000 or even 2,000, and perhaps many more. It will be a dream-come-true for them.

The sharpness of every sense will be heightened for these kids who will recall every detail of this experience in decades to follow. Some will savor their sensory overload, rendered speechless and into a kind of paralysis for a while.

I had the opportunity to talk to several dozen people about their cherished memories of going to Fenway Park for the first time when they were at an impressionable age.

A first time visit to Fenway Park becomes the ultimate trip to a field of dreams. Most report that they were eight to twelve years old when dad, stepdad, or uncle, brought them to the experience of their young lives.

It is a rite of passage in ways that are subtle and powerful. One father gave his son the tickets to hold for one week prior to their trip. The responsibility of protecting them weighed heavily. His father said simply, “Don’t lose them.”

Nearly half of two dozen interviewed said their first game was a Red Sox versus Yankee game. The din and energy could be overwhelming at a game that notches up the intensity level beyond mere games of the season.

One boy, eight years old at the time, wearing his Red Sox hat and carrying his glove, was shocked to see hundreds of others in the same outfit, the same age, all in the same boat. Another confessed his father held his hand tighter than ever before or since as they went through the turnstiles.

Others couldn’t believe the players on their baseball cards were live, really playing, and so close them on the field.

Aromas of peanuts and popcorn dominate the memories, and a few youngsters suffer the indignity of having beer spilled on them by tipsy adults. Some sat in the old 600 Club, or the skyboxes, if dad’s company gave them tickets. One boy sat in the bleachers where his father said, “ The real fans are here.”

One girl said she didn’t care so much about the game, but savored the experience. Her father bought her a Red Sox T-shirt that she long ago outgrew, but keeps tucked away because of the sweet memories it provides.

Many others recall the Mini-Batting Helmet with the Red Sox logo from which they ate ice cream. Enterprising kids had the Sox players sign the plastic container.

One boy in a Yankee cap was at Fenway for a Yankee game, sitting near the third base visitor dugout. His aunt heard that George Steinbrenner was sitting next to the Yankee dugout, and she brought him over. Security stopped them and said, “No more autographs today from Mr. Steinbrenner.”

Grumpy old Steinbrenner looked over his shoulder at the boy and barked, “Yes, one more.”

The memories of a first game can be overwhelming. And, for a thousand more kids at Fenway Park on Opening Day, it will be the story of a lifetime. It’s definitely the field of dreams.

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Satire

The Indians got a bit of surprising news this morning when former Indians ace Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn announced that he was planning a comeback to Major League Baseball.

Vaughn was quoted as saying the come back is all about “winning and bi-winning.”

It was welcome news to a pitching staff that was a combined 69-93 with a 4.30 ERA in 2010.

The 45 year-old pitcher broke into baseball in 1989 with a terrific rookie year. Discovered in the California Penal League, Vaughn’s raw talent earned him a spot on the Indians spring training roster.

He had some control issues early, but once corrected, he anchored the rotation that also featured Cy Young award winner Eddie Harris. 

On why he decided to come back: “It’s always kind of bothered me that I retired a year before the Indians made their run in the 1990s.  When Lou [Former Indians Manager Lou Brown] died, I had to take a serious look at my life,” Vaughn said. “I called Jake [Taylor] and we got together over the offseason and started working on some stuff. You know, getting back into shape.”

He has also been working out with former Indians Gold Glove Award winner Willie Mays Hayes.

The workouts have been intense, but that has not deterred Vaughn: “I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man.” Hopefully that Tiger Blood will translate into victories for the Tribe.

With an inconsistent Fausto Carmona as the opening day starter, there are a lot of questions heading into 2011. There is some promise with the likes of Justin Masterson, Carlos Carrasco and Mitch Talbot, all under 28 years old. None of them are proven starters.

Ricky Vaughn has said he’d like to compete for a job as a starter, refusing to entertain the notion that he would be relegated to bullpen duty.

When asked about the Indians pitchers, Vaughn clarified by saying, “They’re the best at what they do and I’m the best at what I do. And together it’s like, it’s on. Sorry, Middle America [American League Central].” That kind of positive thinking will be a welcomed addition to current skipper Manny Acta.

Slow starts have plagued the Indians in recent years. If Ricky’s aging arm can stand up to the rigor of a full MLB season, this might be the year they get it turned around. Wild Thing was not ashamed when he talked about what he expects from the upcoming 2011.

He said “It’s perfect. It’s awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary. People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view.”

Not everybody is drinking the kool-aid. The groundskeepers at Progressive Field in Cleveland were quoted as saying “They’re still sh**** [crappy].”

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Not a whole lot of insight to this posting, just thought it would be fun to post some of the A’s funnier commercials from past seasons.

The A’s put together several commercials each year. These are the ones I was able to find on YouTube. Starting with 1981 and Billy Ball, then skipping all the way to 2005 and finishing up with the full play-list of 2010 commercials.

The A’s filmed their 2011 commercials in the very beginning of spring training, and they promise to be of their usual comedic quality.

If you have links to any commercials that I did not include, please attach a link in a comment for me to add them in.

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On March 2, 2011, Carlos Ruiz’s wife gave birth to his second son. Incredibly, the baby arrived nine months to the exact day of Roy Halladay’s perfect game.

Chooch has become a fan favorite amongst Philly fans because of his clutch hitting, defensive play and ability to call a game from behind the plate.

Carlos obviously thinks he has a good thing going as he named his first son Carlos Ruiz Jr. and his newest boy just Carlos Ruiz. Keep it simple, I like that.

Will Ruiz continue to name any future sons Carlos Ruiz? What will happen if he has a daughter? I guess Carlos Ruiz could work as a girl’s name? Why didn’t he name his newest boy Chooch? Couldn’t his middle-name have been Perfect?

There are far more questions than answers to this story, but I will try to give you the few answers that I have.

Here are 10 things that we can take away from this story:

1. Roy Halladay’s perfect game was arousing.

2. Chooch didn’t want a baseball or Roy Halladay’s cleats to commemorate one of the greatest pitching performances in Philadelphia history, he wanted another son.

3. Ruiz obviously thought he had more to do with the perfect game than Halladay, or the baby would have been called Roy.

4. Carlos Ruiz (the baby not the catcher) will be perfect in every way.

5. Carlos Ruiz (the baby not the catcher) will be wrapped in bubble-wrap to preserve his perfection and increase longevity.

6. Carlos Ruiz (the baby not the catcher) will be welcomed in Roy Halladay’s house at any time.

7. Roy Halladay is a little weirded out about the whole situation.

8. Cole Hamels, Roy Oswalt and Cliff Lee think this is a terrific story, and they couldn’t be happier for the Ruiz family.

9. No one asked Joe Blanton what he thought.

10. If Roy Halladay pitches a perfect game in the World Series, the entire Phillie’s roster will conceive a son that night and each shall be named Carlos Ruiz. 

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State College of Florida Manatee-Sarasota, the defending Florida State community college champions, fell victim to the surging Pittsburgh Pirates in a lopsided 21-1, 7 inning exhibition game.

The Pirates took an early 3-0 lead before giving up a run in the top of the second. Manatee CC, feeling confident, was quickly brought back down to the Earth by the Pirates’ seven-run explosion in the bottom of the second.

This leads to the obvious question: if the Pirates can beat a state champion community college so handily, then they can win the World Series, right?

Who is going to stop them? The Phillies, Yankees, and Red Sox can only dream of defeating such a talented opponent. The NL Central should now be a breeze for the team who has finished last five of the past six years.

The Cubs, Reds, Cardinals, Brewers, and Astros are now changing all of their goals towards a wild card birth in hope of at least having a playoff appearance before losing to the Andrew McCutchen, who just for the record didn’t even play in the blowout performance.

Next up on the list of Pirate victims is the Tampa Bay Rays. However, the entire team is currently contemplating a forfeit after getting word of the Pirates victory over Manatee CC.

You may be considering how Manatee is coping with such a loss. Instead of the college kids moving forward with their season, the entire baseball team has been disbanded and the funds that were supposed to go into baseball are now being poured into future scholarships for their constantly competitive croquet team.

This is certainly a storyline we will continue to follow, as it could send shivers through all of the MLB.

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As everyone knows Albert Pujols did not sign a contract extension with the Saint Louis Cardinals by the deadline that was put in place by Pujols.  As a result Pujols will become a free agent after the 2011 Major League Baseball season.  At the Winter Meetings, Pujols will sign the largest contract in the history of baseball, 10 years for $300 million, with the Chicago Cubs.  Immediately afterwards the world will start its decline into the apocalypse.
 
At his press conference Pujols will sacrifice a live billy goat on stage at Wrigley Field.  He will drink its blood and exclaim, “I have ended the Billy Goat Curse.  There is only room for one GOAT in Chicago, and it is I Albert Pujols who is the Greatest Of All Time!”  Michael Jordan will instantly take this as a slight to his Chicago GOAT status and attempt a baseball comeback with the Chicago White Sox.  He goes 0-23 in Spring Training and concedes that Pujols is indeed the GOAT in Chicago and ends his comeback bid.
 
On Opening Day Pujols hits three home runs, two of which land on Waveland Avenue.  The “W” flag is flown above Wrigley Field, and it remains there for the rest of the season.
 
At the All Star break the Cubs will have a perfect record, Pujols will be leading the Triple Crown race with a .666 batting average, 45 home runs, and 153 RBI.  The National League will lose the All Star game because manager Charlie Manuel removed Pujols so that Ryan Howard could get into the game at first base.  Unsettled by even an exhibition game loss Pujols decrees that all black cats in the state of Illinois be euthanized so that none of them can cross his path.  He said the late great Ron Santo would have wanted it that way.  The citizens of Illinois follow his edict since they are still scared of him after watching him butcher and devour an entire live billy goat on stage just a few months earlier.
 
Shortly after clinching the division (in early August), Pujols tracks down Steve Bartman from the witness protection agency location he is hiding out at on one of his off days.  He has a press conference to announce that he has forgiven Bartman and that if someone has an issue with Bartman, they have an issue with him.  Bartman is immediately given a key to the city and is a regular at Cubs games again.
 
The Cubs finish the season 162-0.  Pujols breaks every major single season hitting record in the history of baseball.  He then informs Ernie Banks that he will be now known as Mr. Cub, and that Banks needs to find a new nickname.  Banks dies less then a week later from a broken heart.  Pujols delivers the eulogy at Banks funeral and lets everyone know that Banks was the second greatest Cub of all time after himself.
 
The Cubs sweep the Marlins in the Division Series.  Afterwards Pujols tells everyone, “I took my talents to South Beach, and it will never be the same.”  The Miami Heat immediately trade LeBron James to open up a spot on the roster for their new starting small forward, Albert Pujols.
 
In the NLCS the Cubs sweep the Phillies despite Pujols being intentionally walked in every at bat of the series.  Charlie Manuel defended the move by saying he knew Pujols wanted revenge from the All Star game and feared he would hit a home run in every at bat.  Even more amazingly the Phillies lose every game despite Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee both throwing no-hitters in the first two games of the series.
 
The Cubs then go on to embarrass the Red Sox in the World Series.  Pujols not only wins the World Series MVP, but also becomes the first player to hit a ball through the Green Monster.
 
The Cubs had gone 104 straight years without winning the World Series.  Not a single Cubs fan was alive the last time they won it all.  The streak had reached such a depressing level that even Cleveland sports fans felt sorry for Cubs fans.  Little did we all know that the Cubs were not meant to win another World Series and that by doing so they triggered the end of the world. 
 
Natural disasters started to occur at an alarming rate.  Volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, and hurricanes became commonplace.  A quarter of the world’s population was wiped out by the time the Cubs held their victory parade.  Archaeologists soon discovered that the Mayan prediction that the world would end on 12/21/2012 had some validity after the words “Pujols” and “Cubs” were decoded on a newly discovered artifact.
 
On the fateful day of 12/21/2012 an asteroid the size of Alaska hit the earth.  Everything was destroyed with the exception of cockroaches, Twinkies, and Albert Pujols.  Cardinals fans would now get their wish.  Albert Pujols would have to go screw himself for the rest of eternity.
 
DISCLAIMER:  This article does not endorse the sacrificing of live billy goats, the euthanization of black cats, and I hope Mr. Cub Ernie Banks lives to be older then Methuselah.

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Earlier this week it was reported that Cliff Lee, one of four Phillies aces, suffered a mild side strain. Lee stated that he was behind “5-10 pitches.”

In other words, he didn’t miss much time.

Sure, this may sound like news that doesn’t really matter, but this shouldn’t be brushed away. This is a very serious matter that the Phillies need to look into.

Lee should be monitored and checked frequently at practices. It may be a side strain now, but the next thing you know, he pulls his ACL or needs Tommy John Surgery. Lee was shut down for only a week, but this could turn into being shut down for multiple months.

The fact of the matter is that Lee is 32, and will be 33 at the end of the season. By these days’ standards, he might as well be 52.

It’s not just Lee, either.

Now that Shane Victorino is 30, that means the whole starting lineup is in their 30s. The majority of the starting lineup is in their lower 30s. That is a starting lineup that is just too old to be competing.

Last season was an example.

The 2010 campaign for the Phillies was plagued with injuries. Most of the injuries were not age-related, but they are still in trouble.

This injury could be an omen to the 2011 season for the Phillies. The management and coaching need to act soon. There should be a mandatory medical evaluation that will take place after ever practice, warm-ups and games. Lee and the Phillies are in some deep trouble.

It was being mentioned since the end of last season. The Phillies are old. Plain and simple. The average age will be about 32 for the Phillies regulars. Everyone knows that once a baseball player hits around 32-35, he’s done. Players are only good in their twenties these days, and many people have mentioned this lately.

The aged Phillies could possibly even miss the playoffs, since they are just way too old.

I believe many people will agree with me.

The Phillies won the World Series an entire three years ago. Most of the Phils were still in their twenties and youthful.

In 2011, they are aged and depleted, and aren’t in any spot to compete. Lee’s injury may have been small, but it’s a warning. Philadelphia needs to play it safe and smart if it wants to be contenders, and that’s just this year. The Phillies are taking a risk by going into the season at such a high age. This could be the last season that they make the playoffs.

Realistically, the NL East will be overtaken by a youthful, more skilled team, such as the Braves or the Mets. If they don’t get some youth, the Phillies dynasty could end.

So go ahead and take this injury as nothing, but the truth is the Phillies are old, and this is a preview of the season. It’s a small sample of what the lineup of dinosaurs that is the Phillies is in for.

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