Kuzul

In the wake of last night’s 4-3 victory over the Detroit Tigers, the San Francisco Giants received some rather unsettling news: Their star Gatorade bucket is likely out for the season.

Following Brian Wilson’s second consecutive blown save, the All-Star closer returned in a rage to the dugout. It was at this time that Wilson attacked his defenseless target—“Bucky” the Gatorade bucket—with a baseball bat. The attack was unprovoked and appeared to be motivated by Wilson’s frustration.

Bucky sustained serious injuries to his MCLD (Medial Collateral Liquid Dispenser) that will likely require season-ending surgery. This news is particularly devastating to a Giants team that has already endured season-ending injuries to star catcher Buster Posey and starter Freddy Sanchez. Bucky is the team’s starting Gatorade bucket and has compiled an EDA (Earned Drink Average) of 86.23 that leads the major leagues. “Gatie”—Bucky’s backup bucket—is serviceable, but has a career EDA of only 33.62.

The reaction of the Giants thus far can hardly be considered “measured.” General Manager Brian Sabean immediately followed the game by castigating Brian Wilson for his reckless playing style, calling the hit “totally unnecessary” and “unprovoked.” Sabean then assured Wilson and members of the press that his long-term memory was excellent, and it was unlikely that he would ever forget this incident.

A teary-eyed Wilson was spotted after the game, appearing profusely apologetic for the incident. “The last thing I wanted to do was end someone’s season. We all know what Bucky means to the game. It was 102 degrees in Chicago the other day, and when we needed quality relief, that is exactly what Bucky provided. I was careless and foolish,” Wilson said.

Head coach Bruce Bochy summarized the reaction of the rest of the coaching staff and players, stating simply, “It’s a shame…but that’s the way the game works sometimes. All I know is that we’ll have Gatie on the bench the next few months, and we’ll try to find a way to stay refreshed and ready to go. What else can I tell you?”

It was likely that Bucky would have been named to the National League All-Star Team this year, given his statistics and the fact that he won BCOTY (Beverage Container of the Year) last year after being called up in July to become the Giants’ starting Gatorade bucket. Bucky was on the bench when the Giants won the World Series last year and was hoisted before dousing numerous Giants players.

In the aftermath of this incident, some fans are asking if Bucky should return as a Gatorade bucket at all. Some fans have speculated that Bochy might consider moving Bucky to short stop in place of the struggling Miguel Tejada and Brandon Crawford in the unlikely event that he is able to return by season’s end.

Bochy and Bucky both immediately quashed these rumors, with Bucky stating, “I was born to be a Gatorade bucket. My place is on that bench, and that is where I’ll return as soon as I’m healthy.” He will likely have his spot on the bench when he returns, although perpetual bench denizen Mark DeRosa has his eyes on Bucky’s spot. One thing is certain: Both De Rosa and Gatie have their hands full in filling the gap caused by the loss of Bucky. 

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When you take a trip down memory lane to the heart of Yankee country, you don’t expect the bold and the restless to emerge from the visitors’ dugout.

In three games, that is exactly what happened when the Boston Red Sox came to the House Next to the House that Ruth Built. The Yankees promptly caved in and lost all three games.

Though threats to hit the unpopular Papi railed across the rags of the Big Apple, only CC Sabathia took umbrage at the home runs and assorted doubles to plunk David Ortiz in the final game of the three games New York would like to forget.

Ortiz laughed all the way to first base.

Joe Girardi, looking like a fashion model for AARP’s tough guy/old coot line, swore that Ortiz was courting disaster for showing up bad pitchers for making bad pitches. Alas, the talk seemed only to inspire the Red Sox pitchers.

Not known for their colorful antics, the Red Sox pitchers are still a dangerous group of men who foam at the mouth during tough times and Bronx visits.

Jon Lester nearly sawed off the leg of Red Sox tormentor Mark Teixeira and also gave Russell Martin a blow with a pitch to the body. For those who forgot, Martin had turned down a chance to sign with the Sox in the offseason, preferring the Yankees, and the less said about Teixeira who turned down the Sox offer several years ago to go with the Yankees, the better we feel. Diehard Red Sox fans will never forget the insult Teixeira gave the Boston fans.

In the second game of the series, Tim Wakefield hit Robinson Cano and brushed back several others with his nutty knuckleball.

In the finale of the series on Thursday night, after the rains dampened Yankee spirit to a puddle, Josh Beckett hit, in no particular order, Curtis Granderson, Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez.

Beckett apparently believes in only hitting the best. 

Before the Yankee series, John Lackey put the baseball on a couple of batters in the Oakland-Boston game on Sunday. Lackey’s kerplunks were deemed not deliberate by the home plate umpire despite a warning earlier that no beans were to be balled.

Those wild men of the Red Sox staff may be on to something.

Once upon a time, there used to be phrase uttered by Noel Coward that only “mad dogs and Englishmen” went out in the midday sun. It now appears the mad dogs have joined up with Red Sox starters.

And step aside, Mr. Coward, these Red Sox pitchers are willing to plunk you midday or at nighttime.

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If you watch enough baseball, you see umpires blow a call now and then. Yet, they do manage to stay calm and try to maintain some aura of objectivity. After all, that’s what they are paid to do.

On Saturday, June 4, 2011, an umpire took the field in an effort to hand a game over to the opposing team at Fenway Park.

Will we learn home plate umpire Tony Randazzo has been investigated? Will we hear he has been disciplined? Likely not.

What happened? Tony Randazzo, apparently thinking he is one of the cast of the Sopranos, iced Jason Varitek and Jonathan Papelbon, erstwhile catcher and ace reliever of the Red Sox in a ninth inning, with the game on the line.

Papelbon, not exactly a paragon of logic, went berserk and bumped the umpire after having turned away on the mound after throwing a strike past the batter.

Randazzo pulled off his mask and charged the mound, sending Papelbon into the stratosphere. You seldom see an umpire ripping off his mask and stepping toward the mound as if the Godfather sent him.

Remember the name, baseball fans. Razzle Dazzle Randazzo. He should have his own reality show because he is living in his own reality.

Yes, Major League Baseball head office personnel, you have a problem. Sox fans had the feeling we were watching a basketball game where referees are key players to ensure victory goes where it belongs.

This was a scandalous and unacceptable behavior from the umpiring crew, and this disgrace to umpires should be reprimanded, if not removed. He won’t, of course. That would be like MLB admitting they hired an incompetent official who forgot how to officiate the game.

Thank heavens we have moved into the 21st century, or fans would be screaming, “Kill the Umpire!”

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One of those vaunted New York and Boston rivalries comes to the forefront for New England fans who are reeling over the loss of the Celtics.

We began to wonder what exactly we are likely to see this weekend at the House Next Door to the House That Ruth Built.

If a visitor arrived all the way from Uranus to see what all the space chatter is about, he’d be perplexed to find two normal teams, playing typical baseball.

Well, they are as normal as baseball allows.

An interloper from space would surely notice that Yankee pitchers are fat. Bartolo Colon and Joba the Chamberlain look like Pizza the Hutt from a bad Mel Brooks movie.

And the Red Sox pitchers, like Clay Buchholz and Daniel Bard, seem to be married to Jack Spratt’s former wife. They don’t look like they ever had a chance to lick the platter clean.

The splendid splinters on the Red Sox all seem to be pitchers.

Late arriving radio waves to the outer planet may have not told the visitor that Derek Jeter, erstwhile hero of the Yankees for a generation, seems to have fallen and can’t seem to get up.

Home runs seem to come from Mickey Mantle’s grandson, someone named Granderson, no less.

Our extraterrestrial visitor would have heard about the great catchers of the past, like Thurman Munson and Carleton Fisk, but now a couple of guys named Martin and Saltalamacchia seem unable to catch much of anything, not even a break.

Our friendly visitor from another world may have heard reports how in the past every one in the starting lineup on the Red Sox was batting near .300, and now nearly every starter is barely hitting .250.

In the past, all those great hitters meant the team was mired in fifth place. Now, so-so hitting means the team is mired in fifth place.

Einstein was right about space travel, but he had no idea how it might affect a baseball fan. Better to sit on Uranus and think about those champion-caliber Big Bad Bruins.

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David Ortiz Goes Looking for Hugs from Yankees Fans

Boston Red Sox slugger David Ortiz is no stranger to the New York Yankees. He’s a career .305 hitter against the Pinstripers, and he has also torched them for 31 career home runs.

Plus we all know what Ortiz did to the Yanks in the 2004 ALCS.

This is why the legions of Yankees faithful are not exactly big fans of Big Papi. He gets mercilessly booed every time he steps into the batter’s box at Yankee Stadium, and that’s not likely to cease any time soon. With the Red Sox in town for a three-game series, that means Papi is in for a long weekend.

Then again, maybe not. In a new video from Major League Baseball, Big Papi took to the streets of New York in an attempt to show some love to his haters. With a bit of luck, he’d get some back too.

That was the mission, but what about the method?

Why, by going out and hugging every single New Yorker he came across, of course.

Papi’s quest for hugs got off to a bit of a slow start, but they soon started coming fast and furious. At least that’s how the editor fixed it, anyway.

Either way, there you have it, New York: video evidence that Ortiz can no longer be booed in Yankee Stadium.

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The Boston Red Sox ownership group held a coffee klatsch at Fenway the other night. Or, was it early morning? A koffee klatsch is a casual chance to sip coffee over conversation with friends.

In a rain-delayed extra inning horror story at friendly Fenway that ended at 2:45 in the morning with the Sox losing, fans went home later than the pickpockets and muggers.

The silver lining in the tarp on the infield was Red Sox owners, John Henry, Larry Lucchino and Tom Werner.

In a gesture right out of a Damon Runyon sports saga, the trio of owners got behind the counter and served up hot coffee to the die-hard fans that shivered during the chilly rain delay.

In all my years of cynically watching the Red Sox, this gesture struck me as the most good-natured, however calculating, that I have seen.

Why do I keep thinking Mr. Steinbrenner might have gone behind the counter, but gouging the fans for that extra cup? Oh, I am being unfair as usual.

Boston has not always had beloved sports owners in the city, though Tom Yawkey came about as close as possible.

Most sports owners are invisible carpetbaggers who sweep into town, rake in the money and sell for a big profit.

The New England Patriots found local owners who have been highly visible and fan friendly. The Celtics owners include one man, Steve Pagliuca, who ran for U.S. Senate in Massachusetts, and the ever-present gentleman at games in the front row is the genial part-owner, Wyc Grousbeck.

Having the common touch is an uncommon virtue, especially when your income is far beyond those of the players who are usually overpaid.

The same Red Sox owners recently showed up in a local coffee chain commercial, hawking the official Red Sox caffeine brand for charity.

When your team’s owner seems like an Average Joe, the cup of joe becomes a brew to savor. These are smart businessmen, but their actions still have something endearing about it.

Let’s hope these nice owners don’t end up selling apples on Yawkey Way to pay for millionaire players who never hit home runs.

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Major League Baseball is going to add one wild card to each league next season, which will give teams a better chance of making the playoffs.

Bud Selig, whom sports and political expert George Will has called “baseball’s greatest commissioner,” is right on target, but he does not go far enough.

The only teams that should not make the playoffs are the last place teams in each league and the team with the worst record among the teams that finish next to last.

The fans’ excitement would be almost indescribable. At the beginning of each season they would know that no matter how good or bad their team is, the chance of catching lightning in bottle after the regular season could lead to the World Series.

How would it work?

Teams would play 154 games during the season. This would please traditionalists, who might be slightly upset with the new playoff format.

Barry Bonds’ single-season home run record would never be broken, even if a player had the temerity to use performance enhancing substances.

Based on the 2010 American League standings, the Baltimore Orioles, Kansas City Royals, Seattle Mariners and Cleveland Indians would be eliminated from the playoffs.

This leaves 10 playoff teams. The first round would be a best of three series. The higher-finishing team would play the first and third games at home. The three division winners and the second place team with the best record would draw a bye.

The New York Yankees had the best record among second place finishers.

The third-place Boston Red Sox would play the fourth-place Toronto Blue Jays , the second-place Chicago White Sox would play the Detroit Tigers and the second-place Oakland A’s would play the third-place Anaheim Angels.

Let’s say the Red Sox, White Sox and A’s win their first playoff round.

Tampa Bay had the league’s best record. They draw the remaining bye. Hey, rest is good. Great teams don’t get rusty. Money is more important than excellence.

There would be a great incentive to finish with the league’s best record, so the players could have a brief vacation before getting back to baseball.

Anyway, the Yankees play the first-round winning team with the best record, which was Boston, the Minnesota Twins play the A’s and the Texas Rangers play the White Sox.

These are best-of-five series.

The Red Sox, A’s and Rangers win their second-round series to advance to the third round.

Tampa plays the A’s and the Red Sox play the Rangers in a best-of-seven series.

The winners play each other in a best-of-seven series. The winner gets a chance to win the World Series.

One issue which would cause great controversy would be playing the World Series in either Los Angeles, Arizona or Florida, for obvious reasons. However, since the World Series wouldn’t start until the middle of November, it might be a good idea.

The above are merely suggestions, but they are excellent suggestions that expand Mr. Selig’s creative idea to make the game even better.

What do you think?

Reference:

George Will

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HUMOR—The Colorado Rockies announced today that they will be retaining the services of shortstop Troy Tulowitzki until the year 2161. The former Cal State Long Beach Dirtbag will never be allowed to even consider playing for another team unless the interested parties can agree on a fair settlement. The Rockies have hinted that the value for Tulowitzki would be somewhere in the Hope Diamond range.

When asked how he felt about management coming forward with such a generous offer, Tulowitzki could not be heard over the sound of the “Tulo” chanting flash mob that took over the 16th Street Mall in downtown Denver.

The Colorado Rockies, once a team that only five or so people cared about are now beating everyone, and I mean everyone. Colorado fans have multiplied and at least 3/4 of them now know where Colorado is.

Additionally, there has been talk that if he chooses to retire in 2161, Denver Bronco John Elway and he will join forces to build a sports complex for kids who were all named John or Troy from 1980-2050. The complex will teach basic football and baseball skills and offer after school programs in car salesmanship for youth ages 10-15.  All student athletes who participate will be given a number, either two or seven and must be a Colorado resident.

In 12 games played in this young 2011 season, Tulowitzki has seven home runs and is batting .364 with 12 RBI. If he stays on course, he will have 172 homers, 3,212 RBI and a batting average of around .2000 by July.

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The Beard.

We know it’s power—power to intimidate and power to inspire.  The Beard was a big part of the 2010 San Francisco Giants and their World Series victory.  It spawned a whole new fashion statement for Giants players and fans alike.

But how long will it grow?

Brian Wilson told the world that he decided to grow out the beard during the regular season in 2010 and not shave it until the Giants were eliminated from contention or from the postseason.

But the Giants weren’t eliminated.

Now it’s a new season, and it’s pretty clear that Wilson was dead serious about what he said last year, because that thing is longer than ever.  Wilson looks like he belongs on the cover of the movie “300,” next to Leonidas with the jet-black beard.  In fact, looking at pictures of Wilson pre-beard, I don’t even recognize the guy.

Aubrey Huff, another Giant with an eccentric addition to his person—the “rally thong”—shed that after the Giants won it all last year.  But Wilson is following a long line of baseball superstition-sensitivity.

Perhaps the bigger question is, will the Giants closer continue to grow it if they repeat as World Series champions?  Technically, if he’s going to stick to his guns, he’d have to keep growing it, and it could become the facial version of Manny Ramirez‘s dreadlocks.

There really are a lot of questions about the Beard:

At some point, won’t it start to get in the way of Wilson’s delivery?  Well, I guess if Manny Ramirez could run around the bases with his hair flying around the way it did, Wilson’s task looks like a piece of cake.

What brand of hair dye does Wilson use on it?  (Hair dye manufacturers: jackpot—time for a Brian Wilson commercial with your product)

Does Wilson’s neck get sore with the beard becoming heavier and heavier?

Well, whatever happens, it’ll be fun to watch.  As if we didn’t have enough reasons to want the Giants to go all the way and repeat as champions this year, add one more to the list: the continued reign of the Beard.

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Last night’s game was the last straw for the New York Yankees!

Brett Gardner and Derek Jeter have proven finally and forever that they should not be at the top of the order for the Yankees.

Gardner struck out three times in the game against the Baltimore Orioles, stranding runners in critical situations and proving that he is just not ready to hit leadoff on a major league roster.

Garnder finished the game with a batting average of .150 and an on-base percentage of .227. No major league team should have a player with those kinds of numbers at the top of the order.

Derek Jeter is no better hitting second. 

Jeter finished the night 1-for-5 with a .233 BA and a .306 OBP.  This old man has now proven he can no longer play at the major league level.

There are several solutions to these problems. If manager Joe Girardi insists on keeping these two worthless players in the lineup, he has to drop them to the bottom of the order.

So who will replace them at the top?

Obviously Curtis Granderson should lead off and Nick Swisher should hit in the two hole.

Wait a minute. Let’s look at Grandy and Swishy’s numbers.

Granderson was 2-for-4 last night but is still only hitting .194 with an OBP of just .275.  Maybe he is not the perfect leadoff hitter either.

Swisher drove in the winning run with a sacrifice fly in the 10th inning. But he ended the night hitting only .211 for the season with an OBP of .298.

So maybe Granderson and Swisher aren’t the perfect match for the top spots in the order.

Who else is there?

I know! Alex Rodriguez is hitting .412 with an OBP of .512. So obviously he should be leading off.

And Robinson Cano is hitting .328 with an OBP of .340, so he should hit second behind ARod.

Move Gardner and Jeter to the bottom of the order if they stay in the lineup.

Hit Russell Martin third. After all, he has a .289 average right now, 64 points higher than Mark Teixeira.

Hit Jorge Posada cleanup. He is only hitting .189, but of his seven hits, five have been home runs. His power makes him the perfect cleanup guy.

Granderson is not suited for leadoff as we have seen. But he would be perfect taking Cano’s place in the five hole since he has so much power from the left side.

Even though he hasn’t shown much lately but sac flies followed by cream pies, let Swisher hit sixth.

Teixeira is terrible, but he might be able to fill the seven hole followed by Jeter and Gardner.

I would only give this new lineup through the weekend to succeed.

If there are not major improvements by Sunday, I would make the following additional changes.

ARod moves to shortstop and Jeter is benched.

Eric Chavez takes over at third base permanently because he is hitting .444 and will then bat cleanup.

Gardner is given his outright release from baseball and Andruw Jones is installed as the left fielder with a five-year extension on his contract. He is hitting .400 and still has enough speed that he could be the leadoff hitter if ARod does not work out there.

Phil Hughes can obviously not pitch. But he still has a good enough arm to be the next Rick Ankiel. So put him in center field and trade Granderson.

After all, Yankee fans are too devoted and too worthy of a good product to put up with a team that is only 7-4 after 11 games and is in first place by only one game.

Changes have to be made.

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