Kuzul

I’ll be honest. I don’t watch postseason trades. I find them as futile as foreplay after forty or light beer chasers. But when I read that the phenomenal uniform philler-outer, Jayson Werth, had been signed by a division rival, I burned my bra in defiance.

Then I just had to buy a new one. That’s when I made an important discovery:

Not everything expands when it’s cold.

In this era of disclaimers, stipulations, and legal litigation, let me make one thing vividly clear:

I’d still do Jayson Werth.

But some people thought I’d take the news hard.

Hard? Hell, at least he didn’t run up the phone bill and stick my toothbrush someplace dreary when he left. Besides, who can blame him? Like my husband said, “It’s just a man taking care of his family.”

Considering a few years ago he questioned whether he’d ever play ball again, I take my hat off to him.

Okay, maybe a few other pieces of clothing too.

And the Nationals: Was it an accident that a team hoping to fill its stands with fans nabbed one of the sexiest players in baseball? I think not.

Was it a quirk that those new stalker laws went into effect shortly after I became a Phillies fan?

Nothing’s a coincidence.

Think of t-shirt sales alone. Nat fans are already stuffing their bras to embellish Jayson’s 28 on their chests (or like me, the 28 around my chest.)

Hey, aren’t there plans for a high-speed train from Philadelphia to DC?

Like my friend, Dave, said, “Jayson Werth is getting paid in Trident Layers.” I told him, “I’m one of them.”

So last week’s headline read: “Phils Have Hole to Fill as Werth Signs With Nats.”

Yeah, so did I.

This week’s is, “Hole Wasn’t as Big as We Thought.”

Heard that before.

There’s one major reason the Phillies signed Cliff Lee: So my husband wouldn’t have to hear me whine.

Cross that one off my bucket list, and my Christmas list, my delusional fantasy baseball list, my most wanted list, my Amazon wish list, and my own personal to “do” list.

Tell the truth: How many of you tried to redeem American Express points for him?

And why are we so obsessed with the one who compLEEtes me?

The behind-the-back catch.

A man that can do it with a hand tied behind his back is an odds-on favorite for the feline fans.

Whoops, did I just say feline?

I’m sorry. I was dreaming of Cliff Lee reaching every part of my body with his tongue.

From his mound.

I have no idea what that means.

So, while fans ponder which slot in the rotation he’ll master or if the 9-5 odds of the Phils winning the World Series will waiver, I wonder about the important stuff:

What month will he get in the new Phillies calendar?

And he’s getting Ruben Amaro Jr’s old number: 33.

Hey, that’s my lucky number. Hold on, I think that’s my IQ.

Wait, what’s an IQ?

Actually I don’t care what number he gets just so it’s ironed on his uniform in Braille.

Then it won’t be a violation to fondle him.

I really need to start that petition for women umpires.

Or cheerleaders.

Or just a block of seats for middle-aged perverts.

By Jayson leaving Philly for more and Cliff coming back for less, I don’t think Ruben has to worry about dissent in the stands.

And look on the bright side—I can still flash Jayson 18 times next season.

Hey, don’t scowl at me—I have a permit for that. I petitioned the court and called it “freedom of expression.” And they bought it because they agreed—there aren’t many ways I can prove I’m a girl.

And since I have a licentious license I told my husband for this year’s Christmas card we should flash the camera, then use the caption “Merry Titsmas.”

He answered with a new concept in grammar: The exclamation fart.

That means he doesn’t like it.

Or my casserole was a little rich.

So, with 2010 drawing to close, I’d like to serve up my graciousness for three things:

Cliff Lee is back.

If I miss Jayson, he’s only 150 miles away.

And my husband can still make me fart when he makes me laugh.

Let me proclaim my joy another way:

Oh Christmas Lee, oh Christmas Lee

How lovely are your britches.

In the meantime, while I wait to see if the Phillies sign another great butt, I’ll iron my pinstriped thong and wear it close to the part of me my husband truly cherishes.

Like he says, “At least it’ll keep something else from crawling up there.”

Happy Halladay everyone.

See you at the ballpark.

PS. Happy birthday, Dad.

Copyright 2010 Flattish Poe all rights reserved

Catch life one-liner at a time on Twitter.

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Philadelphia Phillies fans were devastated when they heard the news, especially the fact that it was so sudden.

It can also be said that it was shocking to see our everyday right fielder, Jayson Werth, sign to a team within our own division.

Well, like normal, Philadelphia fans panicked immediately, just like every time when something like this happens.

It’s hard to admit, but as a Phillies fan myself, it’s true.

But let me be the first to tell you that there isn’t too much to worry about.

Yeah, we lost our right fielder, but that’s why we have young prospects to take his place.

Not only that, but it will also make every other player know that they lost something valuable and they must step up their game in place of it. 

Without further ado, the 10 ways the Phillies can make up for the loss of Werth.

Begin Slideshow

The Philadelphia Phillies have been one of the most successful baseball teams in the MLB the past three seasons. Recently, as most of you have heard, the Phillies lost their all-star left fielder, Jayson Werth, to the Washington Nationals for a ridiculous amount of money, but also gained the most coveted free agent in the 2010 class, Cliff Lee. Also, they are looking to shop Raul Ibanez, which would mean they would not have a stable outfield. However, this is no reason why the Phillies should not still be an elite team.

1)    Starting Pitching

Pitching wins championships, and the Phillies have plenty of it. Their Big Three, Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt, all return next season. Now the Phantastic Phour after the HUGE signing of Cliff Lee, the Phillies can almost not even dress any relievers.

Halladay is coming off a career season, winning 21 games and striking out 219 batters, both career highs. He also added another Cy Young Award to his collection, a perfect game and a no-hitter in the postseason. Cole Hamels had a great season to bounce back from a terrible 2009 campaign. He posted a 3.06 ERA after an abysmal 4.32 ERA in 2009. After the Phillies acquired Oswalt, he was un-hittable. His record did not show it at 13-13, but he had a 2.76 ERA, and after losing his first game as a Phillie he won seven straight.

Oh, not to mention, they now have Cliff Lee. Lee is coming off another spectacular postseason. He played in his second World Series, one with the Phillies and one with the Texas Rangers. Last season he posted a very good 3.19 ERA, but for the first half of the season he played on a terrible Seattle Mariners team. He was 12-9, and was injury-plagued in the begging of the season.

This prized free agent signing gives the Phillies the most feared starting rotation in the MLB, if they didn’t have it already. Also, Joe Blanton (who they are also looking to shop) and Kyle Kendrick are pretty good options for fifth starters, winning a combined 20 games in 2010.

2)    Charlie Manuel

As much as I hate Charlie’s in-game strategy, the players love him. He can get any player to play hard. He’s led the team to four straight division titles, back-to-back National League crowns in 2008 and 2009, and another three straight NLCS berths from 2008-2010. The players will always listen to him, and respect him.

For example, Jimmy Rollins did not run a ball out to first base on a ground ball last year. Charlie immediately pulled him from the game, and benched him the next game. He sent a message to the team, to make sure this did not happen again. The Phillies will continue to win under Charlie Manuel. One thing he needs to work on if his public speaking ability in post-game press conferences, but that’s irrelevant at this time.

3)    Howard, Utley, and Rollins

Despite losing Werth, the Phillies return their core players Ryan Howard, Chase Utley, and Jimmy Rollins. All had injury problems last season, so they’re bound for bounce-back seasons.

Jimmy has not been the same after his 2007 MVP season. His stats and games played have taken a very noticeable drop since the 2007 season. Howard, despite being on the DL twice last season, still hit for 31 HRs and 108 RBIs. Utley has been debatably the best second basemen in the league, but also had an injury-plagued season.

All these players will pick up the team, and fill Werth’s RBIs and HRs. In the postseason, the Phillies looked like a Little League team at the plate. Especially Ryan Howard looking at strike three to end the season. That is just inexcusable, and the Phillies will have to be better from the plate this season.

4)    Fielding

The Phillies are one of the best-fielding teams in the Majors. As a team they only had 83 errors, which was sixth-best in the league. They also were sixth in fielding percentage, and eighth in total assists. Yes, they lose Werth’s big arm in right field, but Carlos “Chooch” Ruiz is one of the better-fielding catchers in the game, and Shane Victorino just won his second Gold Glove in two years.

To wrap things up I will admit the Phillies are losing a big part of their team in Werth, but they will continue to have success like in recent years. A point I did not address in the article is their bullpen. Brad Lidge has to be the Brad Lidge of 2008 for them to be a World Series team again. Without Werth it will be a struggle, but the veteran Phillies will survive and still have great success. 

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Cliff Lee is a happy man.

Forget the fact he swindled himself out of more than $30 million to sign with the Philadelphia Phillies. Okay, maybe not swindled, because Lee voluntarily left that money on the table.

He knew what he was doing. He knew he’d be the most at peace in Philadelphia. His trial run there in 2009 — despite the fact the Phillies failed to sign him that time around — was nothing short of magical.

So, it is with shallower pockets but a lighter heart that Lee comes to Philadelphia, providing an already intimidating gang of starters with an additional bully.

Watch out, National League East: Lee’s signing may have been the ultimate kill shot. Sorry, Atlanta Braves: the division was previously a table for two, and you’ve just been asked to leave.

Not only are the Phillies unanimous favorites to win the East, odds makers in Vegas have been influenced by the Lee deal, adjusting Philadelphia’s chances of winning it all from 5-1 to 5-2 overnight — the best in baseball ahead of the Yankees.

The quartet of Lee, Cole Hamels, Roy Halladay, and Roy Oswalt is unrivaled in baseball: Thirteen All-Star appearances. A combined record of 481-275 and an aggregate ERA of 3.47. Two World Series titles. One perfect game. One no-hitter.

All that and at an average age of 30 — not exactly youthful in baseball years, but not yet geriatric.

The Phillies should be dominant on the mound, just as they should be proficient at the plate — even sans Jayson Werth. Though, it appears, they won’t have to score very much.

On paper, Philadelphia has the look of a 100-win team — easy. By locking up Lee, the Phillies have made the unrealistic prospect of winning four out of every five games somewhat realistic. Based on preseason projections and expectations alone, their backs will be fitted for targets before a pitch is even thrown.

Maybe that’s why the Phillies will disappoint in 2011.

Suppose they win 106 games during the regular season, breeze through the NLDS and NLCS, but come one run short of a world title. Is that, then, considered a disappointment? Some would say yes.

What if Halladay doesn’t even sniff either a perfect game or a no-hitter in 2011, and both Hamels and Oswalt, who has the best career ERA (3.18) of the four, perform like your average third and fourth starters? Does that constitute an underachieving staff?

And assume Lee finishes a hair below his numbers from a season ago (12-9, 3.18), or even those from his first go-around in Philly (3.39 in 12 starts). Will the Phillies’ shrewdness and $120 million sneak attack against the Yankees and Rangers be for naught?

No, but the goals that were set the moment Lee signed on the dotted line say otherwise.

The Phillies now have upwards of $170 million dedicated to the 2011 payroll, including more than $60 million tied up in the Big Four of Lee, Halladay, Hamels, and Oswalt. Even if starter Joe Blanton, as rumors suggest, is dealt to create space, they would still leapfrog the Red Sox for the second-highest payroll in the majors.

With that sort of cash flying around, isn’t it only reasonable to expect big, big things from Philadelphia this season, much like we do annually from the Yankees, who hand out the game’s most exorbitant paychecks?

Again, most people would say yes.

And what of the offense? There’s a good chance the lineup won’t operate on auto-pilot as often as it did with Werth, who at times was like Robin to Ryan Howard’s Batman, leading the team in games played, runs, walks, doubles, and on-base percentage, and finishing second in home runs, RBI, and hits.

Already under the microscope, much like the pitching staff, how much pressure will be applied to the Phillies’ hitters if they fail to perform consistently? After all, you can’t hold down the opposition’s offense every night.

Philadelphia has the ingredients available for a dream season. But if things don’t go exactly according to plan, which will likely be nothing less than a World Series title, the 2011 campaign may be a recipe for disaster.

How will Lee feel then?

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Cliff Lee agreed with the Philadelphia Phillies Monday night, leaving many people across the country to wake up to a piece of surprising news. Since when did the Yankees not get who they wanted? And when were the Phillies ever in the conversation?

The contract is said to be a five-year deal worth $120 million, $30 million less than he could have gotten from the Yankees. In all likelihood, Lee wanted to go back to a place where he felt like he’d be at home again. 

He wanted to rekindle the magic of his 2009 World Series run.

Lots of people are going to jump to hasty conclusions and claim that Lee makes the Phillies immediate World Series favorites this year and that it won’t even be close. 

While Lee gives the Phillies an incredible rotation, don’t be so quick to anoint them champions without even playing a game. 

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Late last night, it was reported that the New York Yankees were out of the running to sign free agent pitcher Cliff Lee and that the Philadelphia Phillies were making a late push.

As I fell asleep last night, I couldn’t help but wonder about the timing of those two reports. The Yankees were out and the Phillies were suddenly in it? It could only mean one thing:

Cliff Lee was going to leave millions on the table to add his name to a rotation that already includes Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt to form the best rotation in baseball.

And so he did. He turned down an offer which, at one time, was reported at $161 million from the Yankees.

He left as much as $40 million on the table to return to the team which traded him away to the Seattle Mariners just a season ago.

Not only that. But he left two whole years on the table.

The Yankees began with a six-year offer, which they later added a $16 million player option which would have brought the deal to around $148 million, according to an unnamed source (as usual).

So instead of seven-years, $161 million, Lee chose the Phillies’ five-year, $120 million offer which came like a bolt from the blue.

Lee’s agreement with the Phillies is the third-richest contract for a pitcher in baseball, behind the Yankees’ CC Sabathia ( $161 million) and the San Francisco Giants‘ Barry Zito ($126 million).

In July 2009, the Phillies acquired Lee from the Cleveland Indians and he carried them on his back into the World Series, posting a 4-0 record and a 1.56 ERA in the playoffs.

Lee came to love Philadelphia during his time there and when the Phillies traded Lee to the Seattle Mariners last December, after acquiring Roy Halladay from the Toronto Blue Jays, Lee and his wife, Kristen were “heartbroken.”

So how did Lee repay the Phillies’ kindness?

He took a $40 million pay cut and came crawling back.

Trading Lee to Seattle enabled the Phillies to complete their trade for Halladay. Did Lee sacrifice himself to ensure the Phillies obtained Halladay, knowing he’d return once he hit free agency?

Sure, he didn’t know he’d then be traded again, this time to the Texas Rangers, but he knew he’d hit free agency at the end of the season, so whether he was traded or not before that didn’t matter.

Lee could have accepted the Yankees’ offer, like everyone expected from the beginning, and salvaged their starting rotation. He would have slid in right behind fellow lefty CC Sabathia and given the Yankees a tremendous one-two punch.

Or he could have gone back to the Texas Rangers, the second team in two seasons that Lee came to halfway through the season to lead into October. Rangers fans had held out hope for weeks that Lee might return, and were bolstered by the Rangers’ ability to hang in with the Yankees’ offers all offseason.

So after all the wondering; after all the theorizing and praying from Yankees and Rangers fans alike, the Phillies swoop in like a thief in the night with their low-ball offer and steal Lee away.

The Phillies’ GM Rubin Amaro Jr. threw the club’s handbook out the window in order to sign Lee. Previously, the Phillies never went beyond three years with any pitcher. After trading for Halladay, the Phillies signed him to a three-year, $60 million contract.

That wasn’t going to get it done with Lee, so the Phillies pulled out all the stops.

We’ll never know, and it’s probably sour grapes on my part, but was an eventual return to Philadelphia once Lee hit free agency discussed before the Phillies shipped Lee to Seattle?

Outfielder Jayson Werth, one of the fan-favorites on the Phillies, became a free agent this season, and most people expected the Phillies to make a push to resign him. They made him an offer which was considered enough to bring Werth back, but instead he bolted for Washington DC and signed a seven-year, $125 million contract with the Nationals.

Given the reports surrounding another free agent outfielder, Carl Crawford and the type of contract he was looking for, and given Werth’s agent is Scott Boras, the Phillies had to know that a contract of anything less than six-years and $100 million wasn’t going to be enough for Werth.

But they offered less than that.

Did they know Werth wouldn’t take it? Maybe.

But by making an offer they knew Boras and Werth would decline, no one could say they didn’t try to resign him and they could then direct that money towards another free agent, say, Cliff Lee.

A contract of five-years, $120 million for Werth would have raised some eyebrows, but it would have looked realistic in the face of Crawford’s seven-year, $142 million deal with the Boston Red Sox.

Instead, that $120 million sat in their back pocket until the doomsday clock reached five minutes to midnight and they swooped in to sign Cliff Lee and leave the Yankees and Rangers out in the cold.

Some said seven years on a pitcher of Cliff Lee’s age (32) was too long. Well, the Phillies got him for just five years. Some said spending $140-150 million on Lee was too much. Well, the Phillies got him for the basement price of $120 million.

Less years and less money got Lee to Philadelphia. Interesting.

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Ruben Amaro Jr., Phillies General Manager, is a man of mystery.

Citing the team’s policy against discussing negotiations with players, he often leaves much of the fan base and baseball writers alike wondering about the state of the Phillies’ off-season.

So when rumors of a third team, after the Texas Rangers and New York Yankees, were becoming involved in the battle for Cliff Lee, baseball minds immediately began to gravitate towards the ever-secretive Philadelphia Phillies.

But how involved are they?

According to Jim Salisbury of CSNphilly.com, who spoke to the Phillies General Manager at the annual Winter Meetings last week, the Phillies were trying to “shoot for the moon” with potential deals, which Salisbury interpreted to mean the Phillies were laying the groundwork with Kansas City for a potential acquisition of the Royals’ ace, Zack Greinke.

However, a recent report from ESPN’s Jerry Crasnick suggests that the Phillies and Royals haven’t talked about Greinke, making a trade unlikely.

So if not Greinke, then who?

As the Yankees and Rangers await an answer from the free agent class’ top talent, baseball writers have been speculating over news of a third interested team, one that would offer fewer guaranteed years than Lee’s known suitors, but would be a serious threat to the Yankees’ and Rangers’ chances regardless.

That is a hefty assumption, since the Yankees are rumored to have offered the left hander a seven year deal worth about $160 million.

The Rangers, who remain wary of offering the 32-year-old Lee a guaranteed seven years, offered an equally absurd amount of money.

So why would Lee seriously consider another destination?

Though Lee himself has come out to state that the incident may have been blown out of proportion, it is worth noting that his wife, Kristen Lee, had an unpleasant experience at Yankee Stadium in 2010.

While Lee took the mound on the road in New York, Kristen sat beneath a group of disrespectful Yankees fans, who would go on to throw their garbage at and spit on her. While there are going to be rowdy fans in any ballpark, it is worth noting.

The Rangers, on the other hand, do not have anything of the sort worth mentioning.

In fact, new Rangers’ President, Hall of Fame pitcher, Nolan Ryan, is in an excellent position to offer Lee a huge contract.

The Rangers, who just signed a large deal with a local TV-network, are helped by the backing of a new ownership group, headed by Chuck Greenberg, who has made his interest in Lee noticeable after flying to the lefty’s home in Arkansas twice.

While it is noted that both Cliff and his wife enjoyed their time in Philadelphia, how likely is it that the ace could rejoin the Phillies?

Well, that remains to be seen.

The Phillies are a team very reluctant to offer free agents a seven year deal. Outside of Chase Utley’s seven-year contract extension, the team has found comfort in giving its players three-year deals, a la Brad Lidge, Shane Victorino, Joe Blanton, Placido Polanco, Roy Halladay, and Carlos Ruiz. 

So while Jayson Stark of ESPN believes that the Phillies are the third team in the Lee sweepstakes, he also notes that Lee will have to take less then seven guaranteed years.  

Guaranteed is the key word.

Lee, who will be 32 on Opening Day, has faced skepticism about his health, and whether or not he’ll be able to endure a seven-year contract.

The Yankees, who are the only team known to have offered seven years, probably only did so because they are desperate for starting pitching.

The Rangers remain firm at six years, while this elusive “mystery team” is offering less guaranteed years than both.

That’s the Phillies’ motive.

The Phillies, who were unwilling to offer Jayson Werth four guaranteed years, made him a very similar contract offer—three years with a vesting option for a fourth year based on performance.

Who is to say that they can’t offer Lee the same type of deal?

Envision, for a moment, the Phillies offering Cliff Lee a guaranteed four-year deal worth $23 million a year.

A four-year, $69 million deal is not a bad haul for a 32-year-old late bloomer.

Add to that some interesting contractual language, such as vesting options over the next three years, which become club options if the left hander fails to reach the quota, for games started, number of innings pitched, etc., and the Phillies and Cliff Lee could each reach a valuable agreement—a seven-year contract totaling $161 million.

The Phillies have a lot of valuable offers to make Lee, outside of money.

They will enter the 2011 season with the greatest “top three” in baseball, and arguably the best rotation in baseball.

If he were to join fellow aces Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels, and Roy Oswalt in red-pinstripes, the Phillies would have a perfectly balanced rotation—Halladay (R) / Lee (L) / Oswalt (R) / Hamels (L) / Blanton (R).

There are no guarantees in baseball, but the Phillies are early World Series favorites, and have assembled the greatest rotation in the history of baseball.

Bringing his family back to a city that showed him great respect and endured months of devastation after he left—all of these are points of interest for the 32-year-old family man, who has now appeared in the World Series twice and has yet to walk away with a ring.

Can the Phillies land Cliff Lee?—Absolutely.

However, it is going to take a bit of compromise from both sides.

The Phillies will undoubtedly be forced to move Joe Blanton or Raul Ibanez to make room on the 2011 payroll, and Lee will have to leave a large amount of money on the table to go to a place he is familiar with.

Any way you slice it, Cliff Lee makes any rotation better, regardless of his price tag.

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The five teams in the National League East, the Phillies, Braves,  Marlins, Mets and Nationals, have all had busy off-seasons trying to improve their clubs. Some have been more successful than others. And some, like the Phillies and Mets, are moving very slowly through the free agent and trade possibilities.

Here is a countdown of the top 10 moves so far within the division and a breakdown of potential future moves for each team.

Begin Slideshow

Despite a flurry of movement at baseball’s winter meetings, free agent pitcher Cliff Lee remains unsigned.

But that doesn’t mean he hasn’t been fielding offers.

According to reports, both the New York Yankees and Texas Rangers are bidding aggressively for the ace and an agreement may soon be reached. However, with some of the contracts that are being handed out (Jayson Werth – seven years/$126 million, Carl Crawford – $142 million), the price for the 31-year-old left-hander has become astronomical.

Lee and his agents have all the leverage right now in negotiations and any number of teams may be interested in his services. Here’s a look at the teams believed to be in the hunt for Lee, and which one may have the advantage in eventually striking a deal.

Begin Slideshow

Free agent Carl Crawford signed a monster deal yesterday with the Boston Red Sox.

Crawford signed a seven-year, $142 million deal, a huge move for Boston who recently traded for first baseman Adrian Gonzalez.

With Crawford off the market, who will be the next big name free agent to sign?

Jon Heyman of SI.com is reporting that the New York Yankees have offered starter Cliff Lee a seven-year deal. The Yankees originally had a six-year deal worth roughly $140 million.

After the seven-year deals Jayson Werth and Carl Crawford received, teams do not have much of a choice but to offer Lee the same type of deal.

Lee has been on the Yankees radar since the midpoint in the regular season and they are not about to let their top priority get away from them, especially since the Red Sox locked up Carl Crawford.

Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports has reported that Lee will sign with a team by Sunday.

Also around the league, the Baltimore Orioles are working on a trade for shortstop J.J. Hardy, and the Milwaukee Brewers are trying to improve their pitching staff by signing Carl Pavano.

The two sides have yet to reach an agreement as the Brewers do not want to sign Pavano past two years.

Also in the National League, the Chicago Cubs have reportedly contacted the Tampa Bay Rays about pitcher Matt Garza, according to ESPN Chicago.

There are plenty of big moves being made and still some big names available. Expect a few signings and trades over the weekend.

Source: Jon Heyman on Twitter, ESPN Chicago, Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports

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