Kuzul

This morning I was greeted by a hair ball, a pet puke, and an offensive odor.

Speaking of offensive, I should blog. I’ll start by singing the accolades of my favorite major league catcher.

Wait, my husband says it’s too early in the day for me to sing. Actually, he says there’s never a reason for it.

I’ll stick with typing and bad poetry.

Carlos Ruiz is my half-pint hero. He may be small but he’s really six foot six inches of heart packed into two enormous thighs.

I’ve sometimes used that same excuse myself. Like I say, “Does this ass make my pants look big?”

Now, hindsight might be 20/20—and often makes experts out of liars, but I’ve posted a few blogs vying for the attention someone else deserves that prove I’ve loved Chooch from afar (only because of those new stalker laws).

Last May, I even penned some cheesy poetry on his behalf and because my blogs aren’t worth reading the first time, let alone worthy of review, I’ll copy and paste it here (for your convenience):

Ode to Carlos

The guy behind home plate

Hails from another place

Van Halen praised it in a song

Our hero’s home’s in Panama

I’m gonna have that tattooed on my behind.

Trust me, there’s plenty of room.

Honey, does this tattoo make my pants look ass?

When it comes to another player I adore, I’ve often referred to what he does best as The Placido Effect. That’s what happens to me when Polanco wears pinstripes. That guy makes me so breathless I get a side-ache.

Besides his bald head looks like a bowling ball. And I have a thing for bowlers. There’s just something about running my fingers over those smooth ceramic balls that makes me sweat.

I guess that’s why they have those little blowers.

Hold on, my son has a question: “Why does Jayson Werth grow a beard and then shave it off?”

“Because he can,” I said.

My husband looked at him and said, “It’s the same excuse your mom uses.”

Speaking of excuses, the new guy on the block makes none. Mike Sweeney aka Sweeney Mike, cut up the Mets in game one. And when he was tagged “Chevrolet Player of the Game,” he gave credit where credit was due: “Brad Lidge came in and closed the door—as always.”

My husband said, “Sweeney’s played a lot of ball—he hasn’t seen a lot of ball.”

And what’s up with Cole Hamels? It’s like he’s being punked. He had eight no decisions coming into his eighth loss and I don’t know how many of those were due to lack of run support.

I have an underwire from Victoria’s Secret that gives me more support than that.

My husband says nothing gives me that much support.

Hey, at least my boobs make other girls’ boobs look big.

So I’m not a busty woman. Like I always say, I’m Irish—I’m not even human.

In any case, the Phils can’t win ‘em all. If they did that with three guys missing from the lineup, it’d give Ruben Amaro, Jr. a complex—if he doesn’t already have one. He’s been chastised for trading away prospects to get what he could have had in the first place—three top notch pitchers, including one who compLEEtes me.

As a result, Cliff Lee now has some tough Texas company. His mound-mate, Dustin Nippert, was hit in the head by a line drive but stood up simply rubbing his owie.

I’m not saying he’s hard-headed but the ball deflected off his skull and landed in left field. It was almost caught by the outfielder. That’d been a 1-7 putout.

I’ll bet that guy never gets brainfreeze.

Is brainfreeze one word or two? I know, I’ll consult the fictionary.

They say everything’s bigger in Texas. Thank God it didn’t hit him in the crotch. The ball would have landed in the seats. That would’ve made one hell of a souvenir. I wonder if you could get that authenticated. They’d call it an HBD. That’s hit-by…

Well, you get the point.

My husband says I have to wrap this up. He’s hungry and wants to eat at this new place.

Hold on. “Honey, I don’t know if I want to eat at a place called The Eulogy. Are you trying to tell me something?”

He said, “You’re Irish. What do you have to lose?”

He’s lucky he’s a bowler.

See you at the ballpark.

Copyright 2010 Flattish Poe all rights reserved.

Catch life one-liner at a time on Twitter.

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So, I’m watching TV waiting for these people to get eaten by sharks when a thought crosses my mind: They can’t get eaten—they’re telling the story.

But wait. I can only see them from the neck up. Perhaps someone lost a limb.

There is hope.

There is hope for a pennant too.

That same “Throw them to the sharks” mentally is what Phillies fans are notorious for, so will they sigh with content at two straight four-game sweeps at home or will they expect the team to go in for the kill?

I’m not suggesting the Phillies will have to claw and scrape their way to the top of the division but it sure is nice to attain something with the effort the team has extended lately.

Take Ryan Howard for instance. He’s my vote for hardest working first baseman in America. It’s easy to observe his greatness, especially when he’s playing opposite Jason Giambi. Ryan was sliding and diving and working so hard he looked like he was dipped in chocolate sprinkles.

Someone should lick him off.

I’m sorry, I meant clean him off.

Then there’s Placido Polanco. He’s my vote for greatest spaz at third base. And now he’s playing Chase Utley quite well at second. Polly rules the Phillie Playmate of the Week pinup in my head and excites me so that I extend to him my highest rating yet—.

Wait, my husband says I can’t say that on public access. Let’s just call the third baseman my own Steely Dan.

Jimmy Rollins is back as the renewed leadoff hitter, Shane Victorino is stealing bases so fast I had to check to see if I still had my pants, and the Jayson Werth signs are back. Whatever Greg Gross is giving out, I’m sure it’s a secret and illegal and I want some.

Now that the lineup is hitting, Ruben Amaro, Jr can turn his attention to pitchers not named Hamels or Halladay. I hate to see him scrape the bank account dry but it’s not like he hasn’t tried some insiders.

We’ve seen Antonio Bastardo, Sergio Escalona, and I even had a dream that Brett Myers was back. But they were all gone by sunup.

Then there’s Scott Mathieson: He’s had more elbow surgeries than he has elbows. At this point why wouldn’t he just have them remove those ligaments altogether. Then he could be like RA Dickey, throw the elusive knuckleball, and set the record for most wild pitches in an inning.

Or he could find a side job as a contortionist. Either way, he’s wowing people.

Andrew Carpenter is a name that comes and goes like Hugh Hefner’s wives.

And who the hell is Vance Worley? He was gone before I could pull up the 25 man roster that bore his name. Now he’s mentioned as a candidate for a trade. It’s like the bullpen’s in a game of hide and seek.

Not long ago the Phils had a guy named Dane Sardinha catching pitches from the unknown Mike Zagurski.

Did you know Zagurski is Polish for “No neck?”

I thought not.

Did you know Dane is from Hawaii and his name rhymes with Shane so he and Victorino are neighbors?

Okay, maybe not. That was judgmental of me. It’s like saying since Pamela Anderson and I both have breasts we must be equally as buoyant.

We all know there’s no comparison. She’s like her own personal life vest. Well, unless she gets deflated. Unlike a guy, there’s nothing Viagra can do for her.

Men have all the options. They virtually pull up to the pharmaceutical air compressor when it’s honky-tonk time while girls have to wear their sex appeal around like a BabyBjörn.

Okay, maybe baby Björns are just what mine look like.

Wait, I’m completely off the subject. Where were we?

I know, things that interest me the most: sweaty men in uniform not married to me.

See, if I put it that way, my husband can’t put on a fancy hat, stand in the sun for a second, and think he has a chance without Tequila. I tell him that’s why The Village People haven’t staged a comeback—like a Charlie Manuel pinup, I think it’s illegal.

Like me going for a swim at the Playboy mansion. I can pay my way into the public pool but a fake bunny tattoo doesn’t get me into Hugh’s place even with my A-cup discount.

Besides childbirth has left me a little leaky—plus my stream now pulls to the right. If Pamela and I were in the pool together I’d have to stand to her left when I have to sneeze, especially if Hugh has that blue indicator in the pool.

I’m like a peeing ventriloquist.

I’m sorry. My husband says that’s too much information.

Speaking of my beau, he’s now following my blogging progress online. He said, “Dolly Pardon has 674-some thousand followers and you have 56. There are two reasons for that and both of them are holding up her blouse.”

What’s he saying—I need a strap-on chest?

Maybe I need a BigMamma Björn.

My husband says I need more help than that. Even the sharks won’t come for me.

That’s because they know I pee in the pool.

I’m done now.

See you at the ballpark.

Copyright 2010 Flattish Poe all rights reserved.

Catch life one-liner at a time on Twitter http://twitter.com/ABabesTake

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It is quite obvious the Philadelphia Phillies are in a slump. A team riddled by injuries and inconsistency without an ignition towards change.

Despite getting an extra innings 2-0 win in St. Louis yesterday, where Cole Hamels shined, the team still showed the overwhelming stress that comes from being back-to-back National League Champions.

The Phillies have been plagued by non-existent bats that have turned consistent players like Jayson Werth searching for a way to right the ship.

The legendary preseason beard Werth was rocking during his early hot streaks has been reduced to a whimsical and mildly scary goatee in an attempt to fix his batter’s box issues.

We’ve seen things like Chase Utley using voodoo on his bat to ease his hitting struggles. Yet the hitting gods couldn’t keep him from a thumb injury that will have him sidelined till Labor Day.

When things like this happen to a team with so many expectations from the public, front offices usually try to ignite their lineups with a trade or the firing of a manager or bench coach.

The Phillies did just that last night firing hitting coach Milt Thompson. Thompson, a former Phillie and member of the 1993 NL Champions, was with the team for six seasons and was a main contributor to the team’s 2008 World Series run.

The rumors of a firing surfaced just weeks ago heading into the All-Star break. Manager Charlie Manuel vehemently supported Thomspon stating:

Many people in the Philadelphia media saw this move coming as most of the team’s struggles are coming from the batter’s box.

We all knew a firing was going to take place and getting rid of Thomspon is the easiest solution.

The real question is: are the Phillies using Milt Thompson as a scapegoat for other front office transgressions?

Right now the Phillies are sitting seven games back of the Atlanta Braves in the NL East, which is good for second place. Not exactly where you’d like to sit heading into August, especially with the strength of the NL Wild Card Race.

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Things have certainly not been going well. It might be the Year of the Pitcher somewhere, but not in Philadelphia.

I’m sorry. Perhaps that wasn’t supportive. Let’s petition to focus only the positives.

I’ll start: Jimmy Rollins is the current active leader in consecutive steals, Placido Polanco is back from the DL with his team-leading batting average, and Ryan Howard leads the league in RBI.

Jayson Werth, however, has developed an unexplained aversion for touching his bat to the ball.

Someone should tell him it won’t make you blind.

Here’s another petition: stop the Tweet-volume graphs on the game recaps. There’s nothing more irrelevant to the game. It’s no secret that the volume of twits tweeting about the Phils is directly proportional to stuff happening during the game.

It’s just as circumstantial as the level of disgust rising in my house when my husband uses the john.

It’s not rocket science.

Supposedly things are so bad people are petitioning to get Pat Burrell back.

Fat chance. He feels right at home peeking over at old teammate, Aaron Rowand, in center field in San Francisco. But Pat’s move to the Bay Area has people wondering about those rumors that he got married—to a girl.

Or maybe I just made that up.

Now the Phillies have three more chances to turn it around against the newly crowned NL Central kings fresh off their six game winning streak.

Perhaps under the lovely shiny arch the Phils will figure out why the early season hitting explosion had an expiration date. Like a Viagra pill for batters, maybe they’ll find something that makes a big, stout piece of wood more effective.

How ‘bout putting Marisa Miller on the mound?

Or just paint her on the center field wall?

Now, you usually only have to glance at stats to tell when a team stinks, but in this case it makes no sense. The Phillies’ lineup leads the division in runs, home runs, RBI, total bases, slugging percentage, intentional walks, extra base hits, and fielding percentage.

They also lead in stolen base percentage because they think like I do: If you don’t steal, you won’t get caught.

And Jayson Werth leads the team with 92 strikeouts—most of which he’s earned since the All-Star break.

That might seem like a rather dubious honor but other players who’ve appeared on the annual “Special K” list are: Babe Ruth, Mickie Mantle, Reggie Jackson, Michael Schmidt, Sammy Sosa, Jim Thome, Adam Dunn, and Ryan Howard—not long before he signed a bank breaking contract.

It’s also possible that those other guys led their league in another important hitting category that Jayson’s failed to conquer. I’d love to investigate this further but I have dishes to do, a cat box to clean, and re-runs of Hawaii Five-O on at three.

Besides we’re staying positive: The Phillies are a better second half team.

The only reason that’s a scary statement is because the current first place team, Atlanta, leads the division in only one stat: on-base percentage. They’re like the Rudolph Valentinos of the NL East. They could sweet talk a girl out of her pants with a timely hit, a little hustle, and enduring patience.

Matter of fact, for their next stadium giveaway they’re handing out EPTs.

Even without extraordinary stats, they’re contenders. And trading off the slacking Yunel Escobar for the slugging Alex Gonzalez is a sure indication that they know this. As long as Brian McCann is the McMan, Chipper Jones continues to take his retirement advice from Brett Favre, and the Mets find the formula to forego flunking late in the season, it’s going to be a tough semester.

So while the Phillies search for the MLB equivalent of the Bunsen burner, I looked for the magic stat that could determine who the next division champ would be. As much as I tried to sway my decision to Philadelphia, the only conclusion I’ve come to is this: The devil wears Prado.

Martin Prado is on course to having a career year. He leads Atlanta in endurance and studliness, and was one of five Braves who made Charlie Manuel’s All-Star roster even though the skipper couldn’t say his name.

Hey, five team members on one All-Star roster? Doesn’t that sound like the 2009 Phillies?

I hate to say it, but if I’ve struck stat gold, Phillies fans might have to settle for good baseball, sexy facial hair, and appealing camera angles this year. Diehards should be asking themselves if they can survive a season unadorned by pennants or trophies or even postseason TV.

Hey, if it’s any consolation, I heard Kim Kardashian has decided to just appear naked in her next season on E!. And Survivor is having a reunion—only breasts and penises are scheduled to compete.

Or maybe I just made that up.

Stay positive.

See you at the ballpark.

Copyright 2010 Flattish Poe all rights reserved.

Catch life one-liner at a time on Twitter http://twitter.com/ABabesTake

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Philadelphia, PA—The injury woes for the Phillies grew today as it was announced that second baseman Chase Utley and third baseman Placido Polanco were both added to the 15-day disabled list.

Utley had an MRI on a strained right thumb ligament and may miss up to three weeks with the injury. Utley bruised the thumb in last nights 7-3 loss to the Reds.

Ploanco, who was innactive for two games in the recent Toronto series, was placed on the retroactive disabled list with inflammation in his left elbow. He received a cortisone shot in the elbow this afternoon with the hope that he would return to the lineup for tonight’s game. The bruised elbow did not respond well to the shot and the decision to move to the disabled list was made.

The Phillies have called up infielders Brian Bocock and recently assigned Greg Dobbs from Triple-A Lehigh Vallley.

Dobbs was hitting .152 in 42 games with the Phillies this season and was sent to Lehigh Valley just two weeks ago.

Neither is expected to start as the team will most likely go with bench players Wilson Valdez and Juan Castro to start in the meantime.

Complete Phillies Coverage On Eternal Mulligan

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(6/24/10)

Philadelphia, PA – The Philadelphia Phillies took advantage of a shoddy defense and a strong outing from Joe Blanton to dismantle the Cleveland Indians 12-3 and sweep their three-game set at Citizens Bank Park.

Joe Blanton (3-5) went 7 2/3 innings, allowing three runs on six hits and striking out eight. Blanton was given plenty of run support as the Philles went 15-37 from the plate.

After a slow first inning for the Phillies the team put up big numbers in the second scoring five runs on four hits, all of them singles.

Placido Polanco went 4-for-5 with two RBI and Chase Utley went  a perfect 3-for-3 from the plate with two runs scored to lead the Phillies attack.

After a rough first inning Indians closer Fausto Carmona (6-6) rebounded setting the Phillies down in order in the third and fourth before both teams added on runs in the fifth.

Cleveland’s first runs came on a one-out two run home run by ex Phillies prospect Jason Donald. Donald’s shot was his second of the season and his first against the Phillies since he was dealt in the trade that brought Cliff Lee to Philadelphia at last season’s trade deadline.

The Phillies added two more runs in the bottom of the fifth on a Ryan Howard fielder’s choice that scored Placido Polanco and a Jayson Werth single that plated Chase Utley.

After the Werth single Indians manager Manny Acta sent Carmona to the showers. Carmona allowed seven runs on nine hits without recording a strikeout.

No matter the pitcher the Phillies were hitting as they batted around on newly inserted Indian Hector Ambriz and charged him with four runs in the sixth inning including a Dane Sardinha lead off home run.

The four run sixth inning made the score 12-2.

A late unsuccessful Indian rally came in the eighth innings when Jason Donald led off the inning with a double and one out later Trevor Crowe launched a double to the left field corner that scored Donald from second.

Nelson Figueroa, whom was called up from Triple-A Lehigh Valley earlier in the pitched 1 1/3 innings of hit-less ball to close out the game for the Phillies.

The Phillies will be back in action on Friday as they open a three-game set with the Toronto Blue Jays at Citizens Bank Park. The series will be played with AL rules due to the fact the series was moved from Toronto because of the G-20 summit. The Phillies will play as the visitors and bat first.

Box Score


Game Notes: Ryan Howard blew his seven game hitting streak by going 0-3… This is the Phillies’ first home sweep this season and their first interleague sweep since 2007.

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Albert Pujols. Joe Mauer. Nomar Garciaparra. You probably think of them as tough outs. Grinders. And you don’t think of them as whiffers.

Same with the entire Yankee, Red Sox, and Ray lineups. The American League East certainly seems to work the count, and pitchers don’t exactly rack up strikeouts against them.

Yet, when it comes to striking out, these guys deserve nothing more than honorable mentions.

From T-ball to Little League and Single A to The Show, striking out is a hitter’s worst nightmare. Okay, T-ballers don’t fan much—one hopes—but at every other level, striking out remains the pits of batting.

Head hung in shame, muttering to himself, the whiffer mopes back to a dugout indifferent to his return. No fist knocks or masculine slaps on the rear. Other players keep their eyes fixed on the field.

Strikeouts are largely, justifiably treated with such disdain, for they produce nothing. Every 12-year-old travel leaguer knows that when the ball is put in play, good things can happen.

Aside from occasionally wearing down a pitcher on a 15-pitch punchout, a hitter who fans has exchanged his out for absolutely nothing. And according to Billy Beane, this game of baseball is governed by outs.

Consequently, not striking out is nearly as valuable as any other tangible contribution a player can make.

The average strikeout rate, even among strong Major-League hitters is in the neighborhood of 20 percent. One out of every five plate appearances, hitters like Matt Holliday and Ryan Braun return to the dugout cursing at themselves.

Adam Dunn and Mark Bellhorn curse themselves a lot.

As the game has progressed through the years, hitters have largely struck out more—or pitchers have done them in more depending on your perspective.

Boston’s Tris Speaker is probably the all-time greatest hitter with the lowest strikeout rate. Speaker hit a career .345/.428/.500 with an incredible 2.8 K%.

Nearly as impressive were old-time ballplayers like Ty Cobb, Ross Barnes, Cal McVey, Joe Jackson, and Willie Keeler, but these guys played about a century ago.

Who’s been good recently? Who has been the best recently?

Guys like Mauer (.327 AVG / 11.5 K%), Pujols (.332 AVG / 11.2 K%), and Garciaparra (.313 AVG / 9.9 K%) are good, but really these guys don’t come close to the best of the past 25 years.

Here are the top 10 most difficult hitters to punch out.

Begin Slideshow

There are certain players in baseball who have been fantasy studs over the first month and a half of the season that would help any team. At the same time, there are players who have overperformed and are bound to come back to life.

In this list, I will point to five players who have been fantasy stars so far and helped your team win that are not going to be able to hold up this level of production throughout the season. I will also list five players who’s skills at the plate or on the mound does not transition well to the fantasy game. They may be decent fantasy players, but they are better assets to their actual team than your fantasy roster.

Basically, I am listing five players who have been great in fantasy that I would not want on my favorite team. And in contrast, I am listing five players who I would love to have on my favorite team but I would not be upset if they didn’t wind up on my fantasy team.

Enjoy!

Begin Slideshow

After the Philadelphia Phillies fell just short of repeating as World Series Champions, GM Ruben Amaro spent the offseason actively reshaping the club. 

Of course, the biggest news involved the tandem trades of Cy Young hurlers Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee. Beyond that, Amaro used the free agent talent pool to land a new regular third baseman and essentially perform a makeover on both his bullpen and bench. 

The Phillies GM wasted little time when he inked Placido Polanco to replace Pedro Feliz at the hot corner. The deal came with some fan fare as it brought back a player who had been traded away when the team made a commitment to build around Chase Utley at second base.

Polanco remained in Phillies fans’ consciousness during his five seasons in Detroit by hitting .311 and winning a pair of Gold Gloves at second base. This time around, Amaro decided that they could make room for baseball’s best second sacker in Utley and Polanco by sliding the free agent over to third.

The move appears to be a winner. Polanco has quickly settled into his new position and looks right at home. He has also generated the additional offensive production Amaro was seeking—hitting .274 with 4 HR and 16 RBI after 28 games. 

The other signings were not front page worthy news, but overall appear to have been astute decisions. And, with the wide array of injuries the Phillies have experienced thus far in 2010, the improved depth is making a positive  impact. 

Before pulling up lame with a strained hamstring last evening, Juan Castro has had ample opportunity to show why Amaro wanted him. He is a clear improvement at the plate and in the field over Eric Bruntlett. 

Castro has filled in nicely for the injured Jimmy Rollins— displaying some flashy leather work and surprising pop in his bat. Amaro even had the foresight to stockpile talent by signing Wilson Valdez, who has proven to be a capable backup as well. 

Ross Gload is one of the better left-handed pinch hitters in baseball. And, Brian Schneider is one of the league’s top backup backstops. 

From a financial perspective, the biggest free agent acquisition in the pitching department was right handed reliever Danys Baez. Thus far, the former closer has displayed closer stuff with journeyman command. 

The most impactful bullpen addition, though, appears to be veteran Jose Contreras. After several mediocre years as a starter, the Colorado Rockies moved him into a relief role late last season. 

Apparently Contreras caught the Phillies attention enough for them to take a shot on him—and it appears they nailed it. The big righty still throws gas and has a truly nasty splitter. In 14.2 innings of work, Contreras has a 1.04 ERA with 14 K’s and zero walks.

The performance of Brad Lidge since returning to the big club has been encouraging. Should he falter; however, Contreras and his high 90s splitter appear to be a great backup plan. 

During the winter, news of signing players such as Castro, Gload, Schneider, Valdez and Contreras didn’t exactly light up the sports radio airwaves or blogoshere.

But, a month into the season, it sure looks like kudos are in order for Ruben Amaro. Oh, yeah, and although it wasn’t via free agency—the acquisition of Roy Halladay looks pretty special, too. 

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