Kuzul

Over the weekend I was laying by the pool, taking in some rays and listening to my iPod shuffle, when, after a steady stream of calming, relaxing music, the Colin Cowherd Podcast popped up out of nowhere. So much for relaxing, huh?

I’m sure most of you are familiar with Cowherd’s work, but for those who aren’t, Cowherd definitely knows how to get a debate going. He’s equal parts stubborn and contrarian, but never ends a rant without making you think about something differently than you might have previously.

Even if you want to strangle him sometimes.

The particular debate Colin had on this day was whether or not it’s acceptable for adults to wear team jerseys, and at what age the act goes from “upbeat fan supporting the team,” to “weird old guy who needs to get a life.”

While a consensus was never officially agreed upon, it got me thinking: How have the rules of being a sports fan changed over time, and what are they in 2010?

Here’s my take on 10 of them.

 
1. Jerseys: Let’s start with jerseys, because it was Cowherd’s rant that planted the seeds for this article. I also think this is one of the most complex aspects of Fandom, with more caveats and loopholes than Lindsay Lohan’s parole agreement.

First off, let me say that I never wear anything but basketball jerseys these days (more on this coming). Just one guy’s personal opinion, but once I discovered girls right around the start of high school, I decided that once and for all, they had to stay in my closet. I figured it’d be kind of hard to lose my virginity while wearing a John Valentin Red Sox jersey. Call me crazy.

But my personal feelings aside, as an adult there is a time and a place to wear a jersey and support your favorite team, and it’s called game day. Wear your jersey to the game, to the bar to watch the game, or around the house if it brings you good luck.

I’m cool with that, but really only that. If you’re wearing your Reggie Bush jersey out to the bar on a Friday night, well I’m sorry, but really, you’re asking to go home by yourself.

Now, as I mentioned, there are a few caveats to jersey wearing. Here are a couple I came up with.

A. As I said, jerseys aren’t really acceptable on non-game days, but one exception I’ll make is for live fantasy drafts. A little weird, sure, but come on, you’re with a bunch of dudes, busting balls, and eating pizza. What are you supposed to wear? A polo and khakis?

Also, nothing quite says “I’m taking home the top prize,” like wearing that Bam Morris jersey you got on your 11th birthday. Nothing.

B. As Cowherd mentioned on his podcast, I think it’s acceptable to wear jerseys on a college campus, as long as you actually go to school there. You’re poor, it might be the most expensive thing in your closet, and if times get tough you may have to put it on eBay for beer money.

So enjoy it while you can. Besides, there’s nothing worse than the kid in your dorm who is indifferent to the team. Honestly, why even go to Syracuse if you don’t like basketball?

C. I mentioned basketball jersey’s are different than football, baseball and hockey jersey’s and here’s why: There’s no better alternative on a nice summer day than wearing a basketball jersey to the beach.

Stylish, without trying too hard. Just please make sure the jersey is up to date. A Tracy McGrady purple Raptors jersey isn’t cool. Believe me.

D. Those t-shirt, jersey thingies that are popular items at ballparks (the one’s with the team’s logo on the front, and a guy’s name and number on the back) are OK.

At first I wasn’t much of a fan, but they’ve grown on me, especially after my buddy Chris bought me an Alexander Ovechkin t-shirt/jersey thingy in Washington, and I’ve gotten a bunch of compliments. Thanks CP.

To me, the t-shirt/jersey is a lot like a mullet: Professional in appearance in the front, much more easy going in the back.

2. Autographs: My stance on autographs is simple: Unless you’re getting one for your kid, there’s never an excuse for anyone who has hit puberty to wait in line for an autograph. Period.

Simply put, if  your voice has changed and you’ve got hair under your arm pits, find something better to do with your time and energy. Even if it is spending six hours a day playing Madden.

After careful observation, I’ve come to the conclusion that adults who ask for autographs are one of two things.

A. Pathetic, in which case, I’m sorry that I had to be the one to break it to you, but you are. On a positive note, I’m sure you’ll find solace from your friends in the World of Warcraft chatroom later tonight.

B. A scumbag, since you’re only getting the autograph so you can put it on eBay later tonight and flip it for a very minimal profit.

Really, this is what your life has come down to? Waiting outside a San Francisco Giants spring training game to get Pablo Sandoval to sign a picture so you can sell it for $12 plus shipping?

Get a life dude. Or better yet, a real job.

3. Face Painting: Listen, I went to UConn. I went to a lot of huge basketball games. Nobody loves the Huskies more than me. Nobody.

But never once did I ever, even for 1/10 of one second, consider painting my face. I pray to God you haven’t either.

You don’t really want to end up like this guy? Do you?

(If you’re enjoying this article, be sure to follow Aaron on Twitter @Aaron_Torres)

4. The Wave: If you’re at a beach volleyball match, I get the wave. If you’re at the Little League World Series, I get the wave. If you’re at a WNBA game, I get the wave (since it’s probably the only thing keeping you from jumping off the second level balcony).

But at any real sporting event, there are very few cases when I’m OK with the wave. Mainly, if it’s late in the game, and your team has a comfortable (some would say insurmountable) lead. Then go nuts, and get the victory celebration going a little early.

If that’s not the case, sit down in your seat and watch the game.

The wave has become especially concerning at some recent Red Sox games I’ve been to. Because for some reason, it’s all of a sudden cool and totally acceptable to break out the wave right around the seventh inning, regardless of score or situation. And I really don’t get it.

Look, family of four from Manchester, N.H., I’m glad you made it down for the game. I really am. But we’re playing the Yankees. It’s a 2-1 game in the 8th inning. Jonathan Papelbon has been more erratic than Ronnie from Jersey Shore lately. And we’re in the middle of a playoff race.

How about you sit down so I can actually see what’s going on? Is that too much to ask?

I don’t know if it’s just Red Sox games, but the wave seems to be taking over sporting events for no rhyme or reason, and I don’t like it.

5. The YMCA: The flamboyant cousin of the Wave. Or is the Wave the flamboyant cousin of the YMCA?

I don’t know, but either way, don’t expect me to do it any time soon.

6. Signage: I’m all for signage, just as long as it’s original, creative or funny. My personal favorite is still from college, when at a UConn basketball game, a friend of a friend held up a picture of Denham Brown dunking a basketball, with the caption, “If it’s Brown, flush it down!”

Now that, my friends, is a funny sign.

I’m also OK with signage if it’ll genuinely rattle the intended target. This usually works best at basketball games, and usually involves childhood nicknames, baby mama’s (in many cases plural) or some not nice words about a guy’s mom.

Hey, anything to give your team the edge, right?

My only beef with signs is if they’re just not creative.

Like if you go to a tennis tournament, please spare yourself the embarrassment of the, “Maria Sharapova: Will You Marry Me,” sign.

Dude, I’m sorry, but poor Maria has been proposed to at every tour stop she’s taken in the past six years. To the best of my knowledge she hasn’t once said yes. And I doubt your pimply face and C+ average really offers her anything more than she’s already got. Unless she’s really into dudes who play XBox on Friday night’s and own four foot bongs.

If that’s the case then go for it. Otherwise, leave the sign at home. Please, you’re only embarrassing yourself.

7. Gambling: Look, we all love to gamble. And thanks to the Internet, it’s not a shady, back-water business, with a bunch of guys wearing top hats, smoking cigars, and betting on the “ponies,” anymore.

And thank goodness, because I really don’t look good in a top hat.

But unless we’re in a bet together, I really don’t want to hear about your bad luck.

I know that you the Clippers +14, they were up heading into the fourth quarter, and got outscored 42-4 down the stretch. And I’m sorry for you. But I just don’t really care.

Besides, why did you bet on the Clippers in the first place?

(Because of length, this is just PART of Aaron’s 10 Rules For Being A Sports Fan. To read the rest, please click here, or visit him at www.aarontorres-sports.com.

Also, for Aaron’s take on all things sports, be sure to add him on Twitter @Aaron_Torres, Facebook.com/AaronTorresSports or by downloading his APP for FREE for your iPhone or Android!!)

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