Kuzul

Phillies’ skipper Charlie Manuel has played things pretty much straight up over the past two postseasons and has two NL Pennants and a World Series ring to show for it. With his team finding itself down two games to one and the next two contests in AT&T Park, the time is right to veer from previous course. 

San Franciso Giants manager Bruce Bochy adjusted his lineup for Game 3 and it paid large dividends. 

Moving certified Phillies killer Cody Ross up to the five hole put him in position to drive in the games first, and ultimate winning run. The line single to left plated non prototypical leadoff hitter Edgar Renteria, who had started the rally.  

And, former Phil Aaron Rowand got his first start of the postseason in place of Andres Torres, who has provided nothing offensively other than a breeze from his empty whiffs. Rowand, of course, responded with a double and later scored to extend the Giants lead to 3-0. 

Any notion that Jimmy Rollins might have kick started the Phillies offense with his bases loaded double on Sunday night was quickly dismissed with another moribund postseason showing. 

Yes, Matt Cain is pretty good, but the Phillies have owned him prior to his two-hit, no run work over seven innings yesterday. He was 0-3 with a 6.23 ERA against the Phillies coming into the game. 

Cain, Javier Lopez, and the anti-Beach Boy Brian Wilson combined to shutout the Phillies on three hits. They seemingly alternated between striking out Phillies hitters and getting them to hit routine ground balls to second baseman Freddy Sanchez.  

The time has come for Manuel to change things up to perhaps trigger a spark or avoid digging a bigger hole. Here are four suggestions for tonight’s game that could make a difference. 

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The ALCS has not been good for the New York Yankees thus far, but blaming the pitching is just a mask for the real issue.

The issue is not hitting, which means runs don’t score. With zero or two as a team’s score, it forces the pitching into having to be almost perfect to get a win.

For example look back at CC Sabathia’s start in Game 1 of the ALCS. Sabathia, who is an ace in all terms is human at times and that CC was on the mound against the Rangers that night.

Sabathia posted his shortest outing of the season, leaving the game after four innings, giving up six hits, five earned runs, one a home-run, while walking four and striking out three. To say he imploded would be correct, but guess who won that game?

The Yankees did in one inning, being down 5-1 entering the top of the eighth the bats scored the five runs needed to take the lead. Then it was over because Mariano Rivera in the ninth is a postseason God.

So, the reason behind the Yankees losing ALCS Game 4 is not AJ Burnett’s fault, as he pitched much better than Sabathia.

In the sixth inning Burnett threw one bad pitch, which turned into a Bengie Molina home-run. Molina scored the two Rangers on base and turned the Yankees 3-2 lead into a 3-5 New York deficient and an eventual Yankee loss.

Whatever is not happening on the mound is also not happening at the plate and that is the Yankees or any other team’s recipe for disaster. This holds even truer in the tough postseason.

Philadelphia Phillies seem to be following in the Yankees footsteps in the NLCS, as the Giants 3-0 shut out the Phillies. A post-game quote from Phillies Shane Victorino sums up my point:

“If you don’t hit, it doesn’t matter how good the pitching is,” Shane Victorino said. “So you can’t blame our pitching right now. We need to find a way. Cole gave up three runs today and we scored nothing.”

It is crazy that the two best teams can’t seem to hit the ball and it is a shame for baseball. A rematch of a Yankees-Phillies World Series make for an awesome series, ratings would be through the roof.

Without question, MLB will see it’s worst ratings if the Giants-Rangers both make it into the championship ever! No one in the northeast (huge sports media market) will even care to watch, which only hurts the game itself.

A rematch is still possible but surely cutting it too close.

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We panicked every year that they wouldn’t win the division, but they did. We panicked during their July slump, but they overcame this by having a hot August and September.

Who were they?

The Philadelphia Phillies.

The panics have already started again in Philadelphia after a 4-3 loss to the San Fransisco Giants in Game 1 of the NLCS.

For some reason, this loss has made fans start to doubt the Phillies, and even forget about Roy Halladay‘s no-hitter.

Let me be the first to tell you not to panic.

If you watched closely to Halladay’s outing last night, it really wasn’t that bad. Although he gave up four runs, he pitched well.

He kept his velocity throughout, and racked up seven strikeouts.

Those two solo shots were just two out of his 105 pitches that he left hanging, something Halladay never does.

Don’t expect Roy to stop the engine in the playoffs.

In Games 2 and 3 we have Roy Oswalt and Cole Hamels.

Two experienced playoff starters, and Hamels is a NLCS and World Series MVP.

On to the Phillies offense, there’s no need to panic there either. Does anyone realize we scored three runs and hit two homers off of Tim Lincecum?

Chase Utley and Jayson Werth combine for 22 postseason home runs.

Carlos Ruiz has been our most clutch and consistent hitter. His double off of Lincecum last night proved it.

Ryan Howard and Shane Victorino have good postseason pasts.

The only player to panic about is Jimmy Rollins, and I think he will come around.

This 2010 Phillies team is probably the best team the franchise has ever had.

Our pitching staff is loaded, and we are the most experienced postseason team along side with the New York Yankees.

The Phillies have won and lost a World Series, so they know what it’s like to be on both ends of the stick.

Why are we doubting experience?

We’ve seen what this team can do when they are down in the count. They have overcome many obstacles in years past, so why can’t they overcome this one?

I’m not sure if it’s Philadelphia fans in general, but the panicking needs to come to an end.

Don’t ever doubt the Phightin’ Phils.

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We’ve already seen some awesome pitching from the Philadelphia Phillies in the 2010 MLB playoffs. But will the Phils be able to display some equally clutch hitting as the postseason continues? Let’s hope.

In the mean time, let’s look back at the 10 biggest hits in Phillies’ postseason history.

Keep in mind that the following rankings are not just based on the timeliness of the hit itself, but also on the relative magnitude of the game in which the performance came (basically, World Series hits count for extra).

Enjoy this trip through Phillies’ history!

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With the Phillies’ postseason sweep of the Reds, I thought it was time to pay homage. I’ll start:

When it comes to Phillies pitching, there’s definitely something in the H20.

Mike Sweeney is so generous with the hugs, I applied for a job as bat-boy.

The Phils successfully steal so many bases, they gave away EPTs at the last game.

Wilson Valdez is such a great backup, I’m tempted to call him when my husband’s out of town.

A close examination of Chase Utley proves he definitely deserves the nickname “Chase Buttley.”

And on a scale of 1 to 10, Jayson Werth should just take his pants off.

Speaking of compliments, here’s some comments from the wonderful people who have endured my blogs and can write in complete sentences:

“Lots of mental pictures there, some I may not be able to shake.”

“You are by far one of the most self-deprecating columnists that I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading.”

Another said, “I haven’t seen so much sex intertwined with baseball since Meat Loaf’s, Paradise by the Dashboard Lights.”

And a fan recently told me, “You have the first R-rated Phillies blog ever!”

I feel so special. Just this morning my husband paid me another. He said, “No one’s ever stretched cleaning products like you.”

It’s true. My dust bunnies are so thick my cat caught one and knitted a sweater.

To save space I put my vacuum cleaner in storage.

My Swiffer dry rotted.

And my windows are so dirty people think I had them tinted.

Hey, it saves opening and closing those bothersome blinds.

That twisting action will give you carpel tunnel.

My husband and I learned that complimenting each other can bring a couple closer.

Watch. “Hey honey, I love how you grow hair on every part of your body.”

He says, “Yeah, but you do that better than me.”

See? We’re really getting the hang of this.

Let me try again. “Honey, if you drank more beer, I could stop stuffing my bra.”

He says, “If it weren’t for childbirth, you’d have no stretch marks to prove you have boobs.”

I know what you’re thinking—I’m spoiled.

Actually paying each other compliments was something we learned to do at a couples retreat. It wasn’t exactly what I expected to do there. I mean, it’s a bunch of couples connecting with other couples to improve their love lives.

Wait. My husband has something to say. “You’re thinking of swingers.”

“What are those?”

Hold on—he’s gotta whisper something.

Oh my gosh! I didn’t know that! Why wasn’t I informed?! I just thought of the next promotion at Citizens Bank Park—Swingers night.

Now that’s a way to connect with those with similar interests.

Gives new meaning to the term, “Rotation.”

Where was I? I’m so sorry. I have no idea how a post proclaiming my love for Jayson Werth ended up being about my marriage.

Trust me, there’s absolutely no segue there.

Now, I know I failed to coax Cliff Lee back but I think I’ll be effective running a campaign to keep Jayson here.

Hold on. My husband says, “Remember what happened when you were the Girl Scout Ambassador to the French Foreign Legion.”

That wasn’t my fault! I’m from Iowa. The only Frenchman I saw up to that point was Pepe Le Pew. And I thought the vapor that rose from his tail was musk.

Hey, maybe I could speak with a sexy French accent to tempt Jayson to stay:

“Hi, my name’th Flattith. I have a thong. It’th called, ‘There’th Thomething Up My Ath’.”

My husband says, “That’s not an accent, it’s a speech impediment.”

“I thought they were the same thing.”

He says, “You also thought ‘the clap’ was just another way to ‘high-five’.”

“No, I thought they were both signs that you’d had a good time.”

He says, “They are.”

Well, back to the drawing board.

They rejected my application for Phillies Phantasy Camp. Apparently “Tattooing Jayson Werth’s face on my ass,” isn’t an acceptable camp expectation.

Some people are so uptight I wonder how they fart.

I guess I’ll just accept that he’s leaving and find something else to dream about in the off season. I could always resort to Fantasy Baseball. Maybe I’ll join and share mine.

I heard they’ve even expanded to Pro Fantasy Rodeo. I could write about my night with that bull rider in Allerton, Iowa. Wait, he broke his collar bone. I told him to take two Viagra and call me in the morning.

Maybe I’ll write my memoir. I’ll call it something like: “Ode to the Phillieth from an Ath in the Making.”

Remember, capitalize first, last, and all important words.

My husband says the memoir will never sell. He thinks I need a good, strong shtick. The problem is small breasts just aren’t as marketable as they were before Kate Hudson got a boob job.

Hey, Hanes has a new t-shirt—they claim it lays flat no matter what.

I have a chest like that. I could be their poster girl.

Where’s my agent?

A better question is, “What’s an agent?”

My husband says, “It’s used for cleaning. That’s why you’re not familiar with it.”

“Hey, that wasn’t a compliment.”

He says he’s sorry. Now he’s trying to make it up to me. He says he’ll race me in a breast self-exam.

That’s no fun. He knows I’ll win.

Even if I give him a head start.

Well, I think I’ve caused enough carnage for one blog. Who knows? Maybe someone will leave me a really special comment.

My husband says, “Not possible. No one else knows you can eat hot dogs with your feet.”

Whoops, I guess they do now.

Now that’s a picture for Phanavision.

Hey, maybe that will entice Jayson to stay.

My husband says, “Right. Drop him a line that says, ‘Hi, my name’th Flattith. I eat hot dogth with my toeth and I’m flat like a Haneth t-thirt.’”

Hey, you never know—maybe he likes Daffy Duck.

It’th worth a try.

Thee you at the ballpark.

Copyright 2010 Flattish Poe all rights reserved.

Catch life one-liner at a time on Twitter.

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Here we are once again. There is really nothing quite like October baseball. We spent all summer weeding out the undeserving teams and went from 30 to what will soon be four. 

With the National League series all set and ready to roll, the Giants and Phillies pose some interesting matchups.

The dominance established by the three Philly starters against the Reds could force Bruce Bochy to become more aggressive in trying to push any runs across.

Philly certainly looks like the class of the NL this year. I have scoured the National League and found only two teams that could matchup against the Phillies: the Rockies and the Cardinals. Luckily for the Phillies, neither made the Playoffs. 

The Giants did, however, and after dispatching the Braves in four games with some help from the umpiring crew and Brooks Conrad, they stare at the best team they’ve played all year.

Oh yeah, and the Phillies are also playing their best ball of the year. Poor Giants.

And with that, let’s dive in to the five bold predictions…

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After two exhilarating games the Philadelphia Phillies have more than shown exactly why they are not only the number one team in the National League, but  why there are the NLDS’ top “student’.

Being down four to nothing, and dealing with a Reds team that’s not only pulled out all the stops, but also debuted their “secret weapon” only to have him (Chapman) retired faster than his own 100+ MPH fastball.

The Reds seemingly crumbled under the pressure of a Phillies team that is as methodical as it gets when it comes down to getting back into a game.

They chased away the best defensive team in the National League, they blew away the blow away pitcher  Chapman, and took a crucial two games to none lead, as the series heads back to Cincinnati for a game three showdown on Sunday night.

Let’s take a look at the Phillies NLDS Game 2 report card, and how this game translates into a final grade of B+.

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When it comes to describing the emotions of a middle-aged woman who witnessed Roy Halladay’s once-in-a-lifetime postseason feat, I simply don’t have the words.

My husband says, “Add that to the other things you don’t have: boobs and couth.”

That might be true, but he wasn’t disappointed the day I proved I didn’t have man-parts either.

Take that Lady Gaga. She thought she was the only person required to prove she’s all woman. Fortunately she confirmed that before she was photographed wearing her meat suit.

Did you see where she placed her t-boner?

Where was I?

Oh yeah, the surreal world of Roy Halladay.

Nary a week has passed since my sweaty thighs slid off my season-ticket seat in my favorite steamy ballpark. Now on a cold, rainy night, with the tiny cast of William Penn looking on from atop the highest building in a city that’s delivered four straight division wins, Roy Halladay was haunted by the Ghosts of Torontos past and stayed the course on his career vision.

Two things were obvious: (1) he’s a man on a World Series mission and (2) I used the word “nary” and you didn’t even suspect that I’m British.

My husband says, “Nor did they suspect you’re funny.”

In any case, you might have noticed that the TBS commentators were not seasoned Phillies’ fans, especially when Brian Anderson referred to the rally towels as “white hankies.”

Like 46,411 fans suspected there’d be no toilet paper on hand.

I think at one point Brian even called the Phillies’ second baseman, Chase Ugly.

They obviously haven’t examined Chase’s backside through binoculars like me—from row three.

But TBS is what I was stuck with on that chilly Monday. As I sat cozy in the Jayson Werth blanket I received for the Mother’s Day giveaway in 2009, my son stood at my feet and asked to join me. I said, “Nothing comes between me and Jayson Werth.”

Literally. I was stripped clean underneath.

Okay, so clean underneath is an oxymoron. But my mind refuses to accept that the Phillies Phantasy Camp is not the Make-a-Wish Foundation for middle-aged women.

And a fantasy without Phillies is like a marriage without beer.

Early in the evening it was evident Roy brought his A-game while Edinson Volquez found a bargain basement deal on the jitters. After Shane Victorino’s second hit in as many innings, Volquez mouthed his frustration with the Spanish word that means, “I love you long time.”

Okay, maybe he threw the f-bomb.

Hey, is that Australian for beer?

Wait. I got that wrong. I think Foster’s is Australian for “I love you long time.” And if that’s the case, then by the transitive property that makes beer Australian for love.

I think beer actually means love in any language.

My husband says, “Beer is Australian for ‘I love you long time,’ especially when you fool a girl into proving she doesn’t have man-parts.”

Now that’s what I call “too much information.”

With Carlos Ruiz crouched down to catch, Men of a Certain Age all over the diamond, and me—the self-proclaimed winner of the best Phillies Phantasy, I feel honored to have been distracted from the softness of my Jayson Werth wrap by the phenomenon that helped win Game 1.

In the end, many things were evident:

I’d do Roy Halladay.

This morning the statue of William Penn was draped in a No. 34 jersey but was mysteriously missing his pants.

Sometime last night Roy Halladay was kissed by a teammate.

I swiped the tears of joy from my face with my “white hankie.”

And my husband wishes I was more like the cat—with an obsession for tending to a certain body part.

Now I’d love to read the Philadelphia Inquirer coverage of Roy’s gem but someone stole this morning’s edition. That’s okay. I imagine the paper will have one of those not-so-glamorous pitcher photos that show Roy with a contorted look on his face and his jersey swollen in the most embarrassing spots.

A lot like me on my honeymoon.

Although Roy’s postseason photo op was 11 years in the making, I’ll be honest—I wouldn’t spend more than a decade of my life preparing to eliminate the possibility of scoring altogether.

That’s what marriage is for.

But in that time, he developed the focus of a warrior. The Reds tried everything to throw him off: stepping out of the box, drawing pitches, coming at him early, and I think I saw one guy wink. But Doc operated like a pitching machine.

I heard Dusty Baker wants him checked for bionic parts.

So we celebrate one Roy and anticipate the game two start of the other, hoping they perform like clones. But like those twins in college, I bet I could find a way to tell them apart.

Did you know when the Braves clinched the National League wild card spot, REO Speedwagon played the postgame show at Turner Field? Why didn’t Citizens Bank Park ever book them? I’ll have to do something about this and flashing someone at a high level is not out of the question. I just hope they have their binoculars handy.

I wonder if they make actual boob-enhancing glasses.

My husband says, “Yeah, it’s called beer.”

Well, he would know.

See you at the ballpark.

Copyright 2010 Flattish Poe all rights reserved.
Catch life one-liner at a time on Twitter.

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Speed kills.

Ask the Yankees circa 2004 when a stolen base by Dave Roberts in the bottom of the ninth kept the Red Sox—down 3-0 in the American League Championship Series and 4-3 in Game 4—alive and propelled them forward to the greatest comeback in baseball history.

Or maybe you could just look at the 1982 World Series between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Milwaukee Brewers.

That season the Brewers lead all teams with 216 home runs, 30 more than next closest team. Last in the league that season were the Brewers’ World Series opponents, who hit just 67 home runs, 149 fewer home runs than the Brewers!

However, the Cardinals did steal 200 bases that season, second in the league to the Rickey Henderson-led Oakland Athletics and 35 more than the team with the third-most stolen bases.

In the seven game World Series between the two teams, the Cardinals stole seven bases compared to the Brewers one on their way to a World Series title.

With the importance of speed writ large in the history of Major League Baseball’s playoffs, let’s take a look at the 10 fastest players in this year’s postseason.

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After Minnesota‘s blundering 10-1 loss to the Tigers and the New York Yankees’ 10-8  loss to the Boston Red Sox, the Philadelphia Phillies sit alone with the MLB‘s  best record.

With a 93-61 record, they are a half-game above the Minnesota Twins and a full game ahead of the Yankees.

Thanks to a 11-game win streak, the Phillies‘ magic number is now down to two with the Atlanta Braves losing to the Nationals, 8-3.

The Phillies are now an amazing 19-3 in September, as scorching as today’s Philadelphia sun. Shane Victorino started off today with a leadoff home run and a second-inning RBI, to give Philadelphia to a 2-0 lead.

From there, the Phillies never looked back, led by Joe Blanton‘s seven innings of two-run ball.

The Mets tied the game up in the top of the fourth inning, but the Phils responded in the bottom of the inning, which has become common for the surging NL champs.

From there, the Phillies pitching didn’t allow any more scoring. The streaking Ryan Madsen and Brad Lidge wrapped the game up in the eighth and ninth inning.

The Phillies look poised to roll into October with unwavering skill and grace

According to Phillies Nation.com, the Phillies’ most wins in a month is 22 in September 1915. A year which eerily resembles 2010. In 1977, the last year the Phillies ended with the best record in the NL, they went 22-7.

This year, they hold the best September record at 19-3 with eight games to play, and have a great chance to break that record if they just split their final eight games.

The 2010 Phillies are putting their bid in as the best version of the team to step foot in America’s birthplace.

They currently have two more games against the Mets this weekend and three games next week against the Nats before finishing with three against the Braves.

For more writing from Vincent Heck visit: www.vincentheckwriting.com

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