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Justin Verlander should most definitely be featured in the 2013 MLB All-Star festivities, just as long as he never picks up a bat. 

Common logic aside, the Detroit Tigers ace flirted with the notion of appearing in the Chris Berman bark-fest known as the Home Run Derby with the following tweet:

Please note the pitcher—who has a 3.68 ERA with 82 strikeouts and 1.36 WHIP on the year—is now rocking a Twitter avatar of himself in the batter’s box. 

There should be just one reaction to this if Verlander is indeed serious: 

If you are wondering how successful Verlander might be with a bat in his hands, CBS Sports’ Danny Knobler has an answer to that burning question: 

He has 24 career at-bats. He has zero hits. And 14 strikeouts.

Add in the World Series, and it’s 27 at-bats with 15 strikeouts. And still zero hits.

And yet, every year, Verlander promises he’s going to get a hit. And not just one. And not just a single.

Of course, as Knobler offers, Verlander is probably making the tweet in jest. It should also be noted he has a habit of promising various hits and home runs to reporters to no avail. 

Still, you only need a small spark to ignite a roaring fire of support for an audacious campaign such as this. 

The last thing we need at the Derby is a pitcher who will show us what 10 ground balls in the infield look like. And really, we already have plenty of high-profile sluggers who have us changing the channel thanks to their inability to flip the power switch to the “on” position. 

Yes, we know you’re kidding, Mr. Verlander. But there is nothing funny about the Home Run Derby, except the fact people still seem to enjoy hearing Berman shout “back, back, back” at them all night. 

If we really wanted a Tiger who can’t seem to hit home runs, we could just vote in Victor Martinez. 

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Amid a humbling season and a torrential thunderstorm of boos raining down from Dodger Stadium fans, Matt Kemp continues to do what he can to lift the spirits of a young man who has too few days to appreciate his baseball hero. 

MLB.com (h/t Beer Mug Sports) captured the reunion of Kemp and the terminal cancer patient he met a few weeks ago at San Francisco’s AT&T Park, Joshua Jones. 

According to the video’s description, the Dodgers’ outfielder flew Jones and his family down to meet players and staff, but someone else decided to stop by. 

As if the video weren’t already filled with smile-inducing moments, Mike Trout came by to wish the young fan well and exchange pleasantries with Kemp before Monday’s game against the Angels. 

In an instant, Jones had two of the game’s great players on either side of him, giving him another remarkable day at the ballpark. 

The Dodgers chimed in with a Vine post of their own:

.@therealmattkemp welcomes a friend from San Francisco, Joshua Jones to Dodger Stadium: vine.co/v/bVLWQ6wnP6Y

— Los Angeles Dodgers (@Dodgers) May 27, 2013

Those uninitiated would do well to read Bill Plaschke’s LA Times article on Kemp and his chance meeting earlier this month with Jones—a 19-year-old cancer patient given 90 days to live. 

There was hardly a better game for Jones to watch unfold, because crosstown rivals scattered 27 hits during a raucous back and forth that would see the Dodgers ultimately win, 8-7. 

Kemp continues to be mired in a bewildering and frustrating slump as he went 0-for-5 with four strikeouts, which caused boo birds to chirp from every corner of the stadium. 

While Kemp continues to struggle in confounding style at the plate, he continues to do what he can to bring a measure of joy and wonderment to a young man who only has so many more games to enjoy. 

If you ask me, Kemp deserves a standing ovation for the rest of the season and beyond. 

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If only they awarded points for how awesomely you failed.

Had Yoenis Cespedes made this diving Matrix catch, a ripple in the fabric of space would’ve began in Keanu Reeves’ pants and reverberated throughout the world, revealing our perceived reality to be but a computer simulation perpetrated by our machine overlords.

Maybe that’s a bit grandiose, but the believer in me likes to think Neo at least felt a twinge in his apples when the Oakland A’s outfielder went into bullet-time during Monday night’s game against the San Francisco Giants, courtesy of NextImpulseSports.

I’ve seen people lay out for the ball before, but Cespedes‘ almost-catch reeked of science fiction movie physics and Trinity lobby-flips. It didn’t record an out, but hot damn did it look cool.

While Cespedes didn’t make the grab or stop the machines from harvesting our bodies like living batteries, he did found other ways to contribute, knocking in a two-run double to help the A’s wrap up a 4-1 victory over the Giants.

Now if only Cespedes can focus his energy and concentrate on the ball instead of the circus tumbling, he might prove to be “The One”—a distinction currently held by this young baseball player, who puts Cespedes‘ missed catch to shame. 

That’s what taking the red pill looks like, Cespedes. Just remember—there is no ball.

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Jose Bautista is now a card-carrying member of the cool club. 

As BuzzFeed reports, the Toronto Blue Jays outfielder posted the following image to his Instagram feed, showing off his brand-new “MLB Lifetime Pass”:

Feelings of intense jealousy are indeed normal and will surely overcome you when looking at what is essentially a free ticket to any ballpark for Bautista‘s entire life. 

As for the impetus behind Bautista garnering the best card one could possibly hold, I am at a loss. As noted on the card, it is awarded by the commissioner “in appreciation of long and meritorious service.”

So was Jamie Moyer not around the day they were handing these things out?

I will keep you updated if I get word on why Bautista was bestowed with baseball’s version of the “one ring to rule them all” from Lord of the Rings.

Many will point to Bryce Harper’s Chipotle card or the Subway version Jarvis Jones received around the NFL draft for similarity, but such comparisons would be foolish. 

BuzzFeed breaks down how rare this particular card is: “These cards have been presented to players, umpires, scouts and other friends of MLB as far back as the 1930s, and grants owners and a guest access to any Major League baseball game as long as they live.”

Their list of lucky recipients includes people like Joe DiMaggio and the people who suffered through the Iran Hostage Crisis. 

Rogers Hornsby and Thurman Munson both laid claim to the vaunted card, and Bob Gibson has one, too. 

You only need to take a look at some of the comments on his Instagram feed to get just a hint of how popular Joey Bats just became. Suddenly, the world wants to be that lucky “guest” who is squired into a random ballpark one day. 

Of course, Bautista hardly gets to use the card because he is in the middle of a successful career, one that has seen him play with the Baltimore Orioles, Tampa Bay Rays, Kansas City Royals, Pittsburgh Pirates and Blue Jays. 

In nine-plus seasons, Bautista has hit 192 home runs and driven in 525 runs. At some point, he will walk away and get to saunter into any stadium in the land and enjoy watching other people do the work. 

Hit me up on Twitter, especially if you have a spare MLB Lifetime Card: Follow @gabezal

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Because awful things never seem to truly die, two MLB franchises are digging deep into the fashion pile for “Zubazpalooza” day at the stadium. 

Big Lead reports the Oakland A’s are bringing back the audacious parachute pants for the dog days of summer, when we all stop caring about what looks good and dress for what makes the heat tolerable. 

MLB.com has a full report on the A’s bringing back pants we thought had died or gone to live in Rob Gronkowski’s closet. Images via Zubaz‘s Facebook page. 

The A’s iteration of “Zubazpalooza” will go down on Saturday, August 3 at O.co Coliseum. 

Fans that purchase a special Plaza Reserved ticket package will receive a pair of green and gold Zubaz pants at the afternoon game vs. the Texas Rangers.

The report states you can specify what size you want for your free Zubaz pants when you purchase the tickets for the game. Of course this begs the question of how you go about making sure everyone gets the proper size, something that once frazzled George Costanza. 

The A’s are not alone in their fashion endeavors. As Big Lead points out, the Chicago Cubs are throwing their very own “Zubazpalooza.” 

Sadly, those in the Chicago area will have to wait until September 23 to get their hands on their very own pair of outrageous pants. 

The club is running pretty much the same promo the A’s are with their game against the Pirates. Their statement offers: “The Chicago Cubs are pleased to announce the details of our inaugural Zubaz Night in the Budweiser Bleachers. Your Zubaz Night Special Event ticket includes a pair of official Zubaz pants in Chicago Cubs colors.”

Again, nothing worth remembering. Zubaz will live on much the same way jellies are apparently making a comeback. 

Sadly, I still see no mention of Hi-C Ecto Cooler or Squeez-Its coming back. Please remedy this quickly, world. 

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Lockers and other inanimate objects continue their impeccable record against frustrated athletes. 

The Washington Post (h/t Larry Brown Sports) reports Nationals reliever Ryan Mattheus broke his right hand after hitting his locker following a lackluster performance on Sunday. 

Fans learned of the incident following the Nationals’ loss to the San Francisco Giants at AT&T Park on Monday night. 

It seems Mattheus was none too pleased with how he performed in the 13-4 loss to the San Diego Padres, a game wherein he gave up four hits, two walks and five earned runs in only one inning of work. 

It was the kind of line that takes you from the locker room straight to the bar to ease the pain. It seemed Mattheus wasn’t interested in dulling the misery from his outing, because he had a one-round bout with a locker; one he lost. 

The effects of the broken right hand will be felt by more than just the 29-year-old pitcher who has a 4.96 ERA in a shade over 16 innings worth of work this season. 

The Washington Post report reminds us that the Nationals hardly needed a hit to the bullpen at this point of the season. The staff had five available relievers for Monday’s game and “zero available long relievers.”

This is hardly the first athlete to think it wise to place hand firmly and quickly on an immovable object. Last year, Knicks star Amar’e Stoudemire severely cut his hand after slugging a fire extinguisher casing. 

And then there was Yankees star pitcher Kevin Brown, who famously punched a wall and left with a broken left hand, via ESPN. 

This should serve as a lesson to the young athletes in the crowd. Punching a wall, locker or any other inanimate object may seem like a fantastic idea, but it clearly is not. 

As for Mattheus, the report states that he left the locker room with a bruised hand and later realized he couldn’t grip a ball. After an X-ray, staff found a fracture at the “the knuckle at the base of his ring finger.”

The pitcher will now see a specialist who will then determine how long the Nationals can expect to be without his services. 

The locker was unavailable for comment. 

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The Tucson Padres will be tough to ignore come June 8. In fact, you might want to cover your eyes from now until the end of the summer. 

CBS Sports (h/t Yahoo! Sports) came upon some terrifying news. It seems the San Diego Padres’ Class AAA affiliate will don some duds of days gone by next month. 

And you have been warned. 

Jimmy Sexton (pictured above), who Yahoo! Sports reminds us would later go on to become a sports agent, looks far too depressed for someone wearing every last color in the visible spectrum all at once. 

No matter, because there will soon be more MLB hopefuls to once again wear these fabulous nightmares. It seems the Tucson Padres will be holding a “Disco Night” at Kino Stadium on June 8, which coincides with the players being forced to wear these unfortunate jerseys. 

Both reports point to Arizona Daily Star’s Patrick Finley’s account of what transpired to doom these uniforms. You know, other than them being the worst sports jerseys in the history of such things. It all went down back in 1980 when the then-Astros affiliate Toros decided to wear them. 

One day at the start of the Tucson Toros‘ 1980 season, the team’s clubhouse manager ran into then-general manager Jack Donovan’s office.

“It’s not my fault!” he yelled. “I washed them the same way I washed every uniform, ever!”

In the warm water, the team’s new jerseys – judged by history to be among the ugliest ever, as if the Raisin Bran sun threw up in diagonal stripes – had turned an awful color.

Well, more awful colors.

And so, as if fate were the only entity with good sense, the jerseys were wiped from the face of the earth because of a laundry debacle. 

Now the Padres want to take another organization’s obvious sartorial shortcomings and make it their own, at least for one night. 

It makes sense, because if there is one team that would embrace muted brown and ugly mustard, it would be the Padres. 

Don’t worry, Tucson Padres players. You have a few weeks to be called up or sent down. 

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One great toss from the outfield stands and the Dodgers may have themselves the right-handed pitcher they need at the moment. At least, that is how the movie Rookie of the Year started.

Here is your weekly dose of things are absolutely beautiful around the majors moment, brought to you by It’s Always Sunny in Detroit who spotted the video (h/t Hot Clicks). 

There isn’t a great deal of information surrounding the video other than that is Hyun-Jin Ryu playing catch with a young fan who we assume goes by the moniker “Deuce.” With an arm like that, he can no doubt turn the double play like an All-Star. 

My initial gut reaction to the video was one of intense jealousy. While I wouldn’t change anything about my childhood, it would have been nice to head out to the ballpark and toss the ball around with a star pitcher like it was no big whoop. 

Of course, such actions may have their downsides, at least for Ryu. 

Deuce is out for your job, Ryu. 

This is just the latest show of goodwill Dodgers players have extended to their fans. The more famous and emotional moment came last week when star slugger Matt Kemp went to the stands to give a ball to a Dodger fan at AT&T Park. 

Kemp ended up giving the fan—Joshua Jones, a young man with terminal cancer—the ball, his jersey and the cleats off his feet. 

The Dodgers are mired in a lackluster season when little seems to be going right on the field. They have a 15-22 record and sit on the bottom of the NL West. 

Not that anyone is complaining, even their fans who are satisfied with men willing to give back to their supporters with the slightest of gestures. 

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At their best, sport stars allow us a respite from our daily worries and personal tumult. Dodgers outfielder Matt Kemp was just the latest to lift the spirits of one particular fan while giving the rest of us a reason to smile—or get a little misty. 

Kemp—currently mired in a lackluster season—was apparently informed by Dodgers third base coach Tim Wallach that there was a young man who wanted to meet him. 

Kemp did much more than that. 

The video below was spotted by blogger Roberto Baly of Vin Scully is My Homeboy and features Kemp giving everything from a signed ball to the shirt off his back to a fan. 

As of this writing, there isn’t a great deal known about the fan who received a treasure trove of Kemp paraphernalia after a recent Dodgers vs. Giants game at AT&T Park. 

We simply have to go with what we can find in the description and comments from the original YouTube post. Here is what the uploader had to offer: 

Matt Kemp is such a great person. He came over after the game and made one of my best friend’s night 🙂 He’s fighting a tough battle and this was such a great gift by Matt Kemp ! I’ll never forget this.

In the comments, the uploader gives a bit more information: 

Was very fortunate to have my friend take me. He was the one meeting Matt 🙂 My friends family put money together for those seats. So happy I was able to go.

The third base coach told his Dad he would see if he would come over after the game and he ends up doing all this!

A sentiment that has been echoed across the web is that Kemp hardly needed to go that far to make the fan’s night. Instead, after a Dodgers loss during a season wherein Kemp is batting .265 with a single home run, the sports star decided to make it all about the fan. 

This, however, is just the latest class act from a league of gentlemen. 

Some of you might remember the home run Todd Frazier hit for the Reds’ beloved bat boy. If not, I have absolutely no problem reminding you. 

Yahoo! Sports reported on a home run hit by Frazier back in April that was requested by Ted Kremer, a 29-year-old guest bat boy with Down syndrome. 

The team asked him back and Kramer wasted no time delivering his infectious joy. Frazier recalls, “He’s so funny, he said, ‘C’mon, hit me a home run, I love you.’ I said, ‘I love you too, I’ll hit you one.'”

The Reds slugger made good on the promise, hitting a dinger off Miami Marlins pitcher John Maine. Video footage of the moment is viewable at MLB.com. 

A similar story went down over the weekend. Yahoo! Sports reports that the Philadelphia Phillies held a Teacher Appreciation Night at Citizens Bank Park on Friday. That’s when slugger Ryan Howard met A.J., a seven-year-old boy who had nominated his braille teacher. 

The young Phillies fan with Leber congenital amaurosis (LCA) gave the star a wristband to raise awareness for his condition and then offered the following request: “I want you to hit a home run for me tonight.”

Sure enough, the star first baseman delivered, going yard into the right-field seats. 

Yahoo! Sports fills us in on the best part: “Oh my gosh! That was probably for me,” was A.J.’s reaction to the home run when interviewed on the Phillies broadcast.

I am sure there are other fine tales from the diamond I may be forgetting, and I certainly welcome you to remedy that in the comments section below. 

Every once in a while, we are reminded how truly wonderful sports and the athletes who play them can be. Forget the box scores, contracts and tiresome debates.

Sometimes, it’s just about the fans. 

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Sometimes in life you just have to toss a perfectly good pie in your face.

Brandon Moss was exhausted; everybody was. The A’s had just taken on the Angels through 19 innings, leaving the announcers weary, the fans yawning and the players ready to hit the showers.

Not so fast, because we have some pie throwing and sports-drink tossing to get to before you leave the stadium.

Finally, after six-and-a-half hours of baseball, Moss hit a walk-off home run, ending misery with a beautiful blast. When exhaustion sets in, all bets are off.

That’s why it makes perfect sense that he would think of doing only one thing when handed a celebratory pie: Throw it in his own face.

A game that demanded 16 arms throw from the mound mandated a far grander celebration than just one pie to the dome. Thankfully, the A’s provided the most epic cocktail of frivolity from the early season.

Not only does Moss get his own personal pie service, he gets one from his teammate followed by the time-honored tradition of a refreshing Gatorade bath.

It’s really the only proper way to exorcise the grind that comes from getting up 19 times in a game to head to the outfield.

Moss, according to the video, hit the 597th pitch of the night. Even I get a tad restless after a three-hour baseball game. I can’t even imagine having to play one over twice as long.

I guess you could say I would look for the nearest shaving cream pie to launch into my face, because why not?

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