Kuzul

Somewhere in Pittsburgh, a cooler lays battered and bruised—possibly impaled on spikes due to a special “fatality” button-mashing.

And its killer was Sean Rodriguez, who transformed into some kind of Jack Sparrow/Rocky Marciano hybrid after being ejected from Wednesday night’s National League Wild Card Game between the Pittsburgh Pirates and Chicago Cubs.

The ejection came after a beaning in the seventh inning brought both teams onto the field for a largely innocuous screaming contest. Pirates reliever Tony Watson stung Cubs ace Jake Arrieta in the hip, Arrieta chirped back, and both dugouts emptied out of obligation.

No one was serious about the on-field confrontation resulting from the plunk—except for Sean Rodriguez.

Rodriguez apparently didn’t get the clubhouse memo about no one actually wanting to escalate postseason tiffs. So he waded in fists blazing.

The result was an ejection for Rodriguez, who stormed back to the Pittsburgh dugout to unload the rest of the punches he’d been keeping on ice for the occasion.

His target: a callow, defenseless water cooler.

Poor thing couldn’t even manage a combo breaker.

Naturally, the Interwebs had some fun with Rodriguez’s Jax routine:

Rodriguez said Cubs catcher David Ross grabbed his throat during the dust-up, inciting him to throw a punch or two. It seems he felt worse about punching the cooler than swinging on Ross.

“Ross grabbed me right by the neck,” Rodriguez said, per ESPN.com. “He was choking me and pushing me back. What would you do as a man? It may be wrong what I did afterward, but I was pretty heated.”

Oh, Sean. Of all pirates, you are the most pirate-y.   

Dan is on Twitter. The last time he did this, he didn’t get his room deposit back.

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During the Chicago Cubs-Pittsburgh Pirates NL Wild Card Game on Wednesday night, Chi-Town rookie Kyle Schwarber crushed a home run literally out of PNC Park.

It was his third RBI of the game and left Pirates pitcher Gerrit Cole visibly frustrated. 

The blast made some Cubs history. Schwarber became the youngest player to homer in the postseason for Chicago in 83 years:

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With the Pittsburgh Pirates hosting the Chicago Cubs in the NL Wild Card Game, Pittsburgh saw an opportunity. Capitalizing on home-field advantage is key to a successful playoff run, so why not give the players a little (legal) help?

We’re not talking instructing fans to cheer or yell “charge.” We’re talking full-fledged instructions.

During the Wednesday night game, Yahoo Sports MLB columnist Jeff Passan pointed out that fans were chanting the name of Cubs pitcher Jake Arrieta in a rather irritating manner. 

KTGR radio host Brandon Kiley shared an interesting image in response:

The plan is for fans to be united in a more complex strategy than merely making noise. Clever, Pittsburgh. At worst, it’s much more respectable than when the Georgia Bulldogs had to teach “fans” how to properly cheer on their team:

[Twitter]

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If you live in the Atlanta metropolitan area and hear a loud, prolonged steak-fart coming over your radio Wednesday, don’t be alarmed.

That’s just Mike Bell explaining his tweets.

Bell, a sports-radio personality for CBS-affiliated 92.9 The Game in Atlanta, worked himself into a nice, meaty lather Tuesday night after watching MLB analyst Jessica Mendoza participate in the ESPN’s AL Wild Card Game broadcast.

A two-time softball Olympic medalist, Mendoza has filled in capably for Curt Schilling over the last month as the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball analyst served his suspension for controversial social media posts made in late August.

Mendoza’s done well with the opportunity—so well that ESPN brought her on to work Tuesday night’s AL Wild Card showdown between the New York Yankees and Houston Astros, making her the first woman ever to do analysis for a nationally televised MLB postseason game.

Predictably, however, Mendoza’s milestone was received with push-back, and a boorish cross-section of America’s downtrodden male population lifted its knuckles from the dirt to shake a fist at the sound of a female voice speaking during a baseball game. 

More surprisingly (or not), one among their number was Bell—ostensibly a media professional employed in 2015.

Seeing Mendoza on the broadcast, Bell rifled off a tweet straight out of 2004. He called Mendoza “Tits McGhee” and wondered aloud what a female Olympian would ever know about the male version of her sport:

Bell has since deleted the tweet, but Twitter is forever, and Boiled Sports (h/t Big League Stew’s Mike Oz) grabbed a screenshot of the message.

If you’re still in the mood for more strong, Manwich-flavored #takes, Bell still has a bunch of other tweets about Mendoza from Tuesday on his feed for your perusal. There’s even a “Curt Schilling is worse than a woman!” joke!

Ah, beautiful stuff. Like cootie-phobic cave paintings drawn with Crisco.

For what it’s worth, Bell has since tweeted an apology about his wording. He didn’t “@” Mendoza, but he wants his followers to know he’s sorry for calling her that name.

Yea. Trending for your remarks about women overstepping in the workplace isn’t really a good thing. But hey—it’s hard out there for males in sports media!

Got to take the press you can get, right?

Dan is on Twitter. He keeps his Twitter fingers unloaded and locked in a safe.

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Think about what an obituary is.

It’s the collaborative effort of a newspaper writer and a deceased’s loved one to tell the abridged story of a person’s life.

It has to be dignified. You have to paint a picture and do the person justice. But it’s still Cliff Notes of elegies, meaning there’s not a lot of room in obituaries for stuff like, “He loved every ingredient on Supreme pizzas but the olives.”

Which is why a section in a New York Yankees fan’s obituary is so very moving: After presumably narrowing down the list of things they believed were important to the deceased, the fan’s family knew they couldn’t talk about her love for the New York Yankees without mentioning her intense distaste for Alex Rodriguez.

The obituary appeared in the Star-Ledger (h/t BlackSportsOnline.com’s Glenn Erby) on September 30. 

The deceased was Helen Fowler, an 85-year-old Yankees fan who loved the team all her life except for that one Rodriguez fellow:

Devoted wife, mother, and grandmother, and lifelong Yankees fan Helen [Emanuel] Fowler, 85, passed away on Sept. 29, 2015, at the Chelsea in Fanwood, N.J. Born and raised in New Rochelle, N.Y., she was a resident of Cranford, N.J., for 53 years. …

… Fowler was a former member of the Cranford First Aid Squad and a lifelong Yankees fan, with the exception of Alex Rodriguez. 

That is awesome. Not because Alex Rodriguez necessarily deserves your hate. That’s a personal thing everyone has to decide on their own.

What I love is Helen’s dedication to the sentiment. She saw so much baseball, probably had so many opinions on the game—and the one that stood out to those she knew best was her towering, undying dislike of A-Rod.

I can’t even begin to fathom the amount of high-quality trash Helen must’ve talked about Rodriguez. Obviously, it was not an insignificant part of who she was. And as a confirmed member of the International Player Haters Union, I appreciate that kind of commitment to letting people know when you think something is trash.

Rest easy, Helen. You’re a monument to New York sports. 

Dan is on Twitter. He realizes now he has to step his sports hating up.

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Daniel Castro hit a third-inning home run for the Atlanta Braves Friday night worth $1 million.

Or at least you’d think it was, based on the reaction of the fan who caught it.

The guy picked it up, danced, yelled, ignored high-fives, ran in place—it was human excitement at its purest.

Unfortunately, the ball is not worth $1 million, being that the Braves are literally 30 games back of the NL wild card.

But hey, don’t tell that to this guy.

[MLB, h/t For the Win]

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You remember Steve Bartman, right?

Of course you do. He’s the most notorious fan in all of sports:

After Bartman was made out to be some sort of villain in 2003, he may have a chance at redemption with the playoff-bound Chicago Cubs. A fellow fan started a GoFundMe account with a goal of $5,000 in the hopes of sending Bartman to the National League Wild Card Game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

Here’s what the page says:

Lifelong Cubs fan wants to make amends for 2003, [let’s] make it happen. First, we need to find him to get him to the big game. If anyone knows where he is at, tell him we are looking for him. The money would pay for his expenses, including his ticket, hotel room, flights and a little spending money.

If he cannot be found by [the] time of the big game, all the proceeds raised will be donated to the Alzheimer’s Association.

Bartman has been lying low since the infamous play in 2003, when he deflected a potentially catchable foul ball from Cubs outfielder Moises Alou, so it’s unclear if he’ll be willing to accept the offer.

[h/t For the Win]

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Derek Jeter was out in full support of the Wolverines on Saturday.

The New York Yankees legend, who grew up in Michigan, received a personalized jersey from head coach Jim Harbaugh before the team took on BYU:

With The Captain behind them, the Wolverines will look to upset the No. 22 team in the nation.

[Twitter]

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The Curse of the Billy Goat has hovered over the Chicago Cubs for 70 years. But competitive eater Takeru Kobayashi tried to change that.

He and four others powered home an entire goat on Thursday, and brief chants of “Break the curse!” could be heard from Cubs fans.

Chicago is seated comfortably as a National League wild-card team, so we’ll have to wait and see if those goat demons have officially been exorcised.

[MLB]

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After walking a batter in the bottom of the sixth inning against the San Diego Padres on Thursday night, San Francisco Giants stud Madison Bumgarner had an epic staredown with umpire Joe West.

If you’re unfamiliar with West’s work, he’s the kind of umpire who isn’t afraid of a little airtime. He is to baseball what Joey Crawford is to the NBA.

Bumgarner clearly wasn’t amused after the call, so West removed his mask, likely hoping the pitcher would give him a reason toss him.

Instead, he got an ice-cold gaze that apparently lasted over 17 seconds, per SportsCenter (h/t CSNBayArea.com’s Alex Pavlovic):

[Twitter, h/t Deadspin]

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